Real questions and answers

Once again, it's nearing event time. The one coming up is our biggest all year (2,000+ people) and it's the biggest event in my field in the state.

I'm running it. Needless to say, you'd think that would mean people would know not to ask me, say, for rides to and from cities three hours away so they can attend.

Nope.

So here are a few real questions and answers (and demands):

"I need a ride from City of E (three hours away)."
Do I look like a taxi cab? Seriously, I have to plan an event for 2,000 people, but I have time to take you and pick you up.

"Will there be ice cream again this year?"
Yes.
"How about cookies?"
Yes.
"What kind?"
Nabisco.
"How about water?"
No, I want people to get dehydrated. These are five minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

"Will you have a shirt in my size?"
What size is that?
"Depends on how the shirt fits, or if it runs large or small."
Why don't you show up early and try them ALL on.

"Will there be lunch?"
Are you fucking kidding me?

There is one guy who asks to have a table every year, and every year I tell him (nicely) no. There are more than 2,000 people, I cannot give each participant a table.

So this year he asks one of my committee volunteers.

I wanted to yell, "Hey, dipshit! The answer's still NO!" The same guy brought an unexpected guest to an RSVP-only formal luncheon. While I managed to seat the guest because someone got sick and couldn't make it, dipshit man had the balls to ask why they couldn't sit together.

It reminds me of a game my dad used to play when we were little and would nag him about things. He'd ask, "Do you want your answer loud or soft?"

I did get one very sweet e-mail from a lady asking if she could bring her dog to the event. "He's very well-behaved, has been to doggie daycare, and is very social," she wrote.

I wanted to write back, "Wish all of the people who show up that day would be as polite as your dog!"