Dear potential dates,
I don't remember dating being such a pain in the ass, or perhaps I just have selective memory.
Here is a list of conditions/dealbreakers I never thought I'd have to make. FYI:
1. DO NOT request anything involving pee. Ever. Period. I do not have any interest in anything in this area EXCEPT PEEING ON MY OWN, WITH MY DOOR CLOSED, WHEN I NEED TO. Why the hell does this keep happening?!
3. Before you request anal sex, I require you to have experience it first, on the receiving end. Pun intended. Then tell me how you feel.
4. If I say I don't want to go out again, don't ask me. Especially don't ask me five more times.
5. If you feel the urge to send flowers to my office after I say I don't want to see you again, refer to condition #4.
6. Don't ask me about how your dick stacks up to anyone else's.
7. Really. Don't. Ask.
8. I told you not to ask.
9. If you have a stash of Viagra, tell me about it. I date older guys, I get it. There's no shame. Don't spring it on me by surprise and leave me wondering if I'm going to be there for five minutes, and be like, "What?" or an hour, and have to limp home.
10. Speaking of which, if you need Viagra, FUCKING GET SOME.