Saturday, December 31, 2016

Goodbye to all that

Dear Dave,

#Fuck2016 is trending on Twitter, and I agree.

I can't believe you are in the ground.

I can't believe you are the second ex from high school who appears to have died of suicide.

I can't believe we never talked about these feelings of hopelessness. How did we hide them from each other?

Because I was there too. I wanted things to just stop hurting. I wanted to not feel like I wanted to die anymore. I just wanted the pain to go away.

Things are far from perfect, but it was worth sticking around. I'm so, so sorry you found it too painful to do so.

I wanted to lose my virginity to you. We tried, I got too nervous, it didn't work. You were patient.
You never knew about the subsequent assault, in between times we went out. 

I didn't realize how significant a role you played in my healing. You were the first guy I went out with who never pressured me, who let me do things on my terms. I went back and forth on you, I saw other people and then went back to you when I felt like it, and you were always OK with it. And when I decided I wanted to just be friends, you were OK with that too.

I wish I had known the kind of pain you were in. I wish I could have comforted you. I wish I would have thought to reach out to you and say hello, instead of having you simply occupy a fond space in my memory.

Your obituary read, simply, "At peace, in Monterey." I hope so. This song is all I can think of.


klahanie said...

My thoughtful friend, such powerful verbalisation. 2016 was well and truly fucked. Here's to less of a fucked-up 2017.

In hope and kindness,


Granny Annie said...

Lots of tears as we close 2016. I am so sorry for you loss. He knows that you loved him.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

A distressing end to a distressing year. Rest in peace indeed, Dave. You sound like a good guy.

And here's to a better 2017 for everyone, Riot Kitty! Wishing you all the best.

Charles Gramlich said...

I remember the phrase. I don't know who said it. but it's that everyone is fighting a battle none of us know about. So true.

Abby said...

Ah, Dave. May he Rest in Peace. Sorry you lost such a special friend, RK.

LL Cool Joe said...

Oh no, I'm so sorry you lost such a special friend. There aren't that many good ones around. :(

Elephant's Child said...

I am so sorry. I hope he did find the peace that had eluded him.

Betty Manousos said...

i'm so sorry for your loss.
R.I.P , dave.

Lee said...

Sorrow all around. It never knows when it's overstayed its welcome. It never knows it's not wanted...but still it hovers; and still, uninvited, it affects us all.

Let your tears flow, RK...they help cleanse the hurt; ease the pain.

May 2017 slam the door on sorrow while simultaneously greeting happiness.

Lynn said...

So sorry for your loss, my friend. I echo the other commenter above - he knows you loved him.

My friend Jaina, who I had lost touch with, committed suicide a couple of years ago. I found out a year later and am haunted by it. I hope she is at peace now, too. It's always the brightest stars, seems like.

Blue Grumpster said...

Bottoms up! Fuck 2016.

Oh hello, Gary.... never scary, always flairy....

Claire said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and sending love at the beginning of this new year.

G. B. Miller said...

I echo the sentiments above me and this is sucky way to conclude 2016. I started the year hearing about a FB friend who died by his own hand New Year's weekend, and I finish the year with a friend who is going through some unbelievable pain because someone close to them chose to do the very same thing.

Perhaps the song "Seasons In The Sun" by Terry Jacks would work as well?


CraveCute said...

RK I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. Don' be hard on yourself, we all have regrets about things we could have done... we cannot see into another-ones heart or mind as we'd like to. As you say things are far from perfect, but it is worth sticking around for and sometimes things turn around in the most interesting and wonderful way. Blessings to you in this New Year, but hold on as I think it's going to be a wild ride. ~ Diane

Snaggle Tooth said...

So many folks I've known have make the ultimate exit n we all seem to think of it sometime. But when it's a dear old friend we've lost touch n time for it is so painful. My childhood buddy from toddler times killed himself n that one really hits me hard. Then my daughter's neighbor childhood friend killed herself this year leaving an ex n 4 kids because she felt like a failure. It does really punish everyone n is a sad fact no one was able to help them out of the depression. That was her second peer suicide in the past few years. We must realize it is wrong to hurt everyone this way, n no amount of self-pity is solved if we end it there.

Anonymous said...

RK, so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how it feels to lose someone this way. I hope and pray he truly is at peace.

Cheryl said...

RK, I am so sorry for the loss of your ex. It sounds like he played a significant role in your life.

Damn suicide. Just like everyone else, it has touch me and my husband's life several times now leaving an immeasurable loss. Very sad!