Monday, December 12, 2016

Dear potential dates~

Dear potential dates,

I don't remember dating being such a pain in the ass, or perhaps I just have selective memory.
From our holiday bag project at work...we got 2,000 condoms donated...I love my job!

Here is a list of conditions/dealbreakers I never thought I'd have to make. FYI:

1. DO NOT request anything involving pee. Ever. Period. I do not have any interest in anything in this area EXCEPT PEEING ON MY OWN, WITH MY DOOR CLOSED, WHEN I NEED TO. Why the hell does this keep happening?!
2. It's not a moment of brilliance when you feel compelled to say, "I like the woman to have her orgasm first" ... out of nowhere, when we haven't even kissed. (Yes, more than one person has done this.) And...Really? How fucking generous of you! Only one? I have vibrators that can do better than that.

3. Before you request anal sex, I require you to have experience it first, on the receiving end. Pun intended. Then tell me how you feel.

4. If I say I don't want to go out again, don't ask me. Especially don't ask me five more times.

5. If you feel the urge to send flowers to my office after I say I don't want to see you again, refer to condition #4.

6. Don't ask me about how your dick stacks up to anyone else's.

7.  Really. Don't. Ask.

8. I told you not to ask.

9. If you have a stash of Viagra, tell me about it. I date older guys, I get it. There's no shame. Don't spring it on me by surprise and leave me wondering if I'm going to be there for five minutes, and be like, "What?" or an hour, and have to limp home.

10. Speaking of which, if you need Viagra, FUCKING GET SOME.

20 comments:

Elephant's Child said...

Sigh.
And hiss and spit at those who cannot understand no. Not a word which requires a degree to comprehend.

Abby said...

My how things have changed in the last 25 years.
What's that saying? Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs... or have them pee on you or something?

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I thank the Goddess every day that I'm a lesbian. If you want, I could put in a good word for you down at Headquarters and maybe they'd let you switch teams.

Riot Kitty said...

Oh GOD would you, could you?

Granny Annie said...

You have made me remember why I am happy to be out of the dating scene. No wonder you aren't posting much as you survive the battle of the sexes.

G. B. Miller said...

This could be a first for me here, as I am almost totally speechless, because I have almost nothing to say here in regards to the brilliantly funny post.

I suppose I should be thankful that both my childrens (16 & 23) didn't really date as they found someone and jumped right into steadys.

Father Nature's Corner

Lynn said...

This is why I hate dating. :)

My biggest pet peeve is that, without fail, the answer to the question, "Do you have children?" is (said with deepened voice and chuckle), "...at least none that I know about."

Big eye roll from me every time.

HBF said...

Seriously! 7 & 8, fo sho.

Lee said...

I have absolutely no desire to go on dates...nothing changes!!

Have yourself a very Merry Christmas, RK...and may 2017 treat you kindly...and you get listened to! :)

Charles Gramlich said...

I was arching my eyebrow and now it's stuck. Do you think that would be a good look to some women? Lana doesn't seem to mind, but maybe that's just cuz we're married.

A Beer For The Shower said...

"I always make sure to let the woman pee first, before I pee in her butt." - chivalrous pee guy who's also into anal

Uh... just remember it could always be worse... maybe?

CraveCute said...

This really has been the most horrible year hasn't it? Let's hope that for all of us, things start to take a better turn...

Jono said...

Sounds like the guys you are "dating" make a lot of unwarranted assumptions and are not being a credit to our gender. On the other hand this is fairly hilarious stuff. Really. You have my sympathy.

Birdie said...

Before I met and married my husband I remember all of this. Except the flowers. But yeah, men can be so fucking disgusting and perverse. Keep looking. There are good ones out there. I do think older men are where it's at. My husband is 11 years older than me and a true gentleman.

Cheryl said...

I am always amazed when I hear stories of how bizarre it is out there in the dating world. As I have been married almost forever, I am staggeringly naive, I guess. Just common sense seems to dictate that some subjects such as anal sex would wait at least until some serious preliminary rounds of "getting to know each other" had taken place. I think your list is certainly not asking for too much.

LL Cool Joe said...

Only you can get away with having a photo of yourself holding condoms. If I did it I'd look like a pervert.

Blue Grumpster said...

CLICK!

Mike_D said...


I am somewhat jealous. I wanted to bring up the whole pee thing, however.

Betty Manousos said...

hi my friend,
here's wishing you and yours all the joys of the season. merry christmas!! xoxo

Vanessa Morgan said...

Happy holidays!