Things I think loudly

One of Mr. RK's most endearing traits is that he comes up with adorable things to say. Clever and cute at the same time.

One of them is, "I didn't say it - I just thought it really loudly," which is usually preceded by an amazingly clever insult. (Although another one of his lovable traits is his ability to insult people without them knowing it.)

For better or for worse, I am in charge of an additional event every other year which involves setting up meetings between legislators and our members. You know me: I am organized. I put the "O" in OCD! I plan ahead. Has that stopped the idiots from coloring outside of the lines? Of course not.

Here is the stock email I have been sending to our local chapters since registration for the event opened:

Please help us get the word out to membership as soon as possible, as the registration deadline is Jan. 18, and legislators' calendars fill quickly.

Actual email I received today from an employee of one of said chapters:

Hello, RK! I wanted to let you know that we're doing two informational sessions in preparation for your event. The first one will be on Jan. 17, where we'll inform people and help them register.

I shit you not. I wrote back:

You will want to have people register much earlier - we'll more than likely be full by that date.

I thought very loudly:

Two informational sessions to prepare for one half-day event - which includes an informational session? Wow, you must be burning with brilliance to have to do that much prep! Seriously, it's a gathering at the state capitol. Not a rocket launch. And letting people know the day before? How exactly do you manage to tie your shoes in the morning?

This person wrote back:

Oh, we're having that event to inform people who don't know about the organization, and get them registered.

I thought loudly:

Brilliance strikes again! Rather than rally our current members, somehow you plan to attract complete strangers and sign them up for our event. That is quite clever. Why don't we just invite another advocacy group and make appointments for them to argue their cause?

Then there is the lobbyist who hasn't been a member for eight years who registered.

Loud thought: Seriously? Isn't that your fucking job, to meet with legislators? You get paid for that already, right? So you shouldn't have to sign up to have a nonprofit do it for you?

Actual email to lobbyist:

Dear so-and-so, thank you for your interest in our event. To complete your registration, we'll need you to renew your membership, which lapsed in 2007. Thanks!

Sometimes I don't know how I zip my lips. Luckily I have you all to vent to.