Tuesday, January 22, 2013

People are strange

I mean, seriously. Is it only more noticeable when you're on an airplane, and the weirdos seem to come out of the woodwork?

Friday, I went down to California for a few days to visit my family. (No, I did not manage to bring the 65 degrees and sunny back to Oregon. It was 21 when I woke up. It was a whopping 29 when I went out to lunch a few hours later.)

On the way we had what looked to be an entire teenage girls' athletic team (read: tall - I don't know how they fit into this puddlejumper without banging their heads on the top, and loud: are they the last of their generation to refuse to have ipods and keep to themselves?)

The trip back was something else. On my right, someone who clearly thinks the height of style is Belinda Carlisle (hair and all), circa 1983. On my left, the one asshole left talking on his cell phone when the rest of us have shut them off before takeoff.

And why is it that the people who talk the loudest - and want to talk the most - are always the most boring and the most obnoxious?

This guy spends several minutes telling some poor fucker on the other end about how he went on a fishing trip before he got married ("We ate the marlin for the wedding dinner! An eight-foot marlin!") and spent the honeymoon - you guessed it - fishing.

And he spent the entire conversation talking about the kinds of fish he caught and how many.

Meanwhile, his poor (I assume) wife (who else would voluntarily travel with this moron?) is just sitting, staring into space, unfazed.

At least Belinda Carlisle tucks into a book. I hate it when people want to be chatty on planes, because 1) they're usually boring and 2) I'm usually terrified. I hate planes. I hate flying. I especially hate flying on small planes. Our plane had a whopping 40 rows and a bathroom so tiny there was no sink, just a bottle of hand sanitizer. Luckily, I have a small butt, otherwise I might not have made it through the door.

I'm trying not to contemplate the small plane during takeoff, when fishboy leans over and says, "If your car made this noise (that the plane was making), wouldn't you take it back? HAHA!"

I don't laugh. Actually, no one laughs. I pretend I didn't hear him, try to read and not focus on the fact that I think we all might die, and then he spends the next 20 minutes staring at me. When I look up, he looks away. Then he looks back again.

I look out the window, thinking he's looking at the scenery below. It's pitch black.

I should have yelled, "What the fuck is so interesting? I'm not even a marlin!" But you know, we had turbulence and I was once again thinking about not thinking about how the plane could, at any minute, fall out of the sky.

How's your week going?

20 comments:

Cheryl said...

Love the title...People are strange.
Yes, the really strange ones are always near me on a plane. I fly a lot and I pretty much can pick out who is going to sit next to me by looking around the terminal prior to boarding and pick out the weirdest a-hole in the place.

You are also right about the person that refuses to shut off their phone. They always consider that they are special and rules don't apply to them. When they are forced off the phone then they want to talk. Fishing??? OMG...I would of stuck my earphones on my ears in a heartbeat. This is what I do to convey disinterest. I don't always even turn my Ipod on, just put earplugs in.

You have my sympathies.

G. B. Miller said...

Yeah, the last time that I flew was in 1992 to visit my now very late inlaws with my then newborn son.

If I remember correctly, schtuff at the airport was seriously overpriced.

Of course, I'm old enough to remember flying on defunct airlines like Eastern and TWA.

Birdie said...

Ativan. Ativan and a set of headphones so I can block out everything. The only way to fly.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Here's a tip -- do a couple of dry heaves and puff your cheeks out a bit -- makes them think you might puke. They'll ignore you after that like their life depends on it!

Darth Weasel said...

aaagggh...we also flew out Friday to California...beautiful, sunny and 70 San Diego...and flew back Monday night.

And I met those same (kinds) of people...like the 40-something guy chatting up the lewis and Clark freshman...and her incessant "yes, I might reapply at Starbucks because I worked at Starbucks before and Starbucks might hire me because I worked at Starbucks before and freshman aren't allowed to have cars on campus so you have to borrow one from a sophomore so you promise them something. like I could promise them Starbucks..."

Yes, this bubblehead was a law major. And people wonder why this country is in trouble.

Maybe she can pair her Starbucks with a Marlin...

DWei said...

This is why I try and sleep on airplanes. Can't talk to me if I'm unconscious!

Lynn said...

The last time I flew, it was later in the evening (after many boarding delays), I was tired and just wanted to read. The plane was almost full, but miraculously, the two seats in front of me were empty. Until the very last minute when two young lovers boarded and sat there and leaned their seats all the way back. So then I had two lovers cooing in each other's faces practically in my lap. And she had a laugh like Betty Rubble. :)

Rock Chef said...

Times like that you need one of those electric zappers. No jury would convict... :-)

Granny Annie said...

I was visiting my home-away-from-home (Walmart) the other day and crossing the parking lot I heard a very loud booming voice. It was an agitated woman on her cell broadcasting unknowingly to the world that "when she caught the lying, cheating bastard she was going to rip him a new one". As I laughed out loud I heard an echo. A homeless man with scraggly beard and no teeth was laughing with me and we exchanged a common bond of words about our fear for what was due this unsuspecting man. For that brief moment the homeless man and I were peers.

Charles Gramlich said...

whenever I fly, I try to get started reading before anyone can engage me in conversation.

Claire said...

People are strange....ain't that the truth!

LL Cool Joe said...

I sleep on the plane too, or fake I am, with my headphones clearly in my ears. No one bothers me at all. :D

Riot Kitty said...

Clearly, I need to get some headphones! Or an electric zapper.

And GB, I remember TWA and Eastern.

Riot Kitty said...

PS GA, your story cracked me up!

Shionge said...

I am so with you RK and yes, lots of strange people at the airport and some just yak and yak when all we want is some quiet me-time due to the long waiting time to board & waiting for plane to take-off.

A Beer For The Shower said...

No mention of the crying baby? Forget the chatty Cathy's, I always get stuck next to the crying baby, who's always with Mom of the Year, AKA I'm putting in my headphones and blasting shitty music, so the rest of you can deal with my screaming kid and my lack of parenting skills.

Introverted Art said...

hahahaha To me the weirdest people are always found at the mall. I remember when I was in college and worked at a perfume/makeup store and people would come to put perfume on for free. A man once sprayed all this cologne on him and took off. I find especially funny the pseudo celebrities... 7 pm and sporting their sun glasses :P

Riot Kitty said...

S: It's an international problem, for sure!
ABFTS: Ah, that plagued me in college. I seem to be rotating through the worst-people-to-sit-next-to stereotypes, but they're real.
IA: That is hilarious! Sort of like trying to sell something to a door-to-door salesperson, but with an edge.

Logical Libby said...

I always take people talking to me on planes as an opportunity to tell the most outrageous lies I can. Try it, I know you'll like it...

Riot Kitty said...

L: That is a great idea!