Things I have learned from Dr. Who

I say I don't generally like sci-fi, but then I love Star Wars, Star Trek, comic book movies, and Dr. Who.

My dad and I used to watch it around 1979-80, when I was little - I think Tom Baker was the Doctor then. Mr. RK and I recently started watching the BBC series - it's a bit addicting, as we're through season 3 now (they're currently broadcasting season 7.)

Some things I have learned:

1. No one is ever really dead - it doesn't matter if they are vaporized or memorialized. Trust me, they can come back.

2. Statues are almost always aliens hiding in statue form. Witness the weeping angels or the first time we meet the Daleks in season 1.

3. The Doctor is a bit of a polygamist. OK, not in the traditional sense - he may fall in love, but he's also constantly falling in like with pretty girls.

4. The ship is never really lost. Nearly 800 episodes from combined series prove this.

5. There's a lot of screaming and a lot of crying - think 1950s martian movies. I take it the creators have a dim view of human intelligent response to crises (or is that redundant?)

6. Aliens find humans incredibly stupid, and as a result, they are almost always hostile, considering us expendable. (Ninja edit  - I had typed "expandable," but that was also correct, if you saw the episodes with the sleveen, who needed people to be...expandable.)

7. All alien leaders are narcissists.

8. Technology shouldn't be overused, or we'll all be in danger of becoming enslaved by aliens.

9. Anyone who's incredibly greedy becomes an alien slave. Lots of alien slave themes here...hopefully they don't go into alien sex slavery.

10. All of this alien invasion crap tends to happen in London. Wouldn't you move? :)

But I still want to know, where do they sleep on the ship? Where do they shower? Am I missing something?

I can has family!

You know I had to get some kind of lolcat reference in there...

I may have mentioned on this blog that I have a huge family. Both of my parents are the oldest of five. I have 25 first cousins! And as you also know, my family's a bit odd. For reasons I still don't understand, I have relatives that I hadn't met until recently. But what a fun meeting it was!

My late grandmother's sister lives in my state, and we got in touch after my grandmother died a couple of years ago. She and her husband were up in this area recently - where, as it turns out, my dad's cousin and her husband also live - and we all met up for dinner.

Mind you, my grandmother was serious and I don't think she ever said "poop" in her entire life. Her sister, however, will send me e-mails like, "What the FUCK is going on with Romney, RK?!" So you know we have DNA in common. All of these years I thought I took after my grandfather's side, but now I know the truth. Like Mr. RK, her husband P sat quietly, probably wondering how he had gotten himself entangled with our family.

Some highlights from dinner:
- B, my dad's cousin's husband, takes amazing cat pictures. (They are cat freaks, like us.) One such image was lifted and when he did a Google search for it, 15 entire pages with his picture came up. One was on a gay porn site. Of course, he swears that he doesn't know how - or want to know why - it got there. I'm not sure I want to know, either.

- My dad's cousin S asked, "Did she (my grandmother) ever talk about Crazy Aunt P?" Um, no. Here, again, I thought all of the crazies came from my grandfather's side, and again I was wrong. Aunt P dyed her hair bright orange, wore green pants, and when she was dissatisfied with her walker, she pushed a lawnmower.

I am not making this up.

Mr. RK, to wit, said, "In your family? Yes, I can believe that."

- S used to be married to someone with the word "letch" in his last name. She didn't change her last name to B's when they got married, "Because she said my last name sucked." His last name is a piece of furniture.

Great aunt M is going to be 80 in a few months and she looks 60; her daughter S is 51 and I thought she was my age. Please, pass these genes to me!

I don't meet that many people that I like, and I liked all of them quite a bit. 

PS Don't worry. They knew I'd be blogging about this.

And just when you thought it couldn't get weirder

Greeting me on my voicemail at work this morning:

"Hey, RK! I just left a message on the general voicemail. Can you come to my house and lick my @*&!^T%%#?" (I'm not a prude, but it was so rude that I can't bring myself to type it out. If you want a hint, go read the lyrics to the 2LiveCrew song that riled the lovers of obscenity laws in the late 1980s.)

Not kidding.

And he only left it on *my* voicemail, along with the general one...seeing as how he called me by my last name, I'm assuming this is a complete stranger. But I resent the fact that he didn't leave a message for either of my colleagues!

"It's because you're female," a colleague at another office told me.

Don't you wish you had that much free time? Is this guy unaware of caller ID? Hmm.

Speaking of unaware (or rather, clueless), who do you think ran into her co-worker's office when he was on a conference call and blurted out, "Hey! Did someone leave you a pornographic message, too?"

Come to think of it, my boss was probably thrown off by that question as well...

26 pages of...?

I'm going to steal from Granny Annie again with a question of the week.

As you all know by now, since the headlines won't shut up about it, some French magazine ran a 26-page spread of Kate Middleton sunbathing topless. Seriously? I thought the French were nonplussed about nudity and sex...apparently, royal nudity is an exception.

Which got me thinking, is there anything (or anyone) you would most want to see 26 pages of? What would be your top choice? Inquiring minds want to know.

For me, it would have to be:

1. A 26-page apologia from James Dobson's group, apologizing for their existence and noting that they're going to donate their funds to scholarships for LGBT students

 or,

2. Russell Brand

And then there are always the LOLcats.

How about you?

TGIF!

OK, it's Friday on the east coast and in other corners of the world...I totally stole this from She Who Seeks. In fact, you should totally check out her Pussy Riot (oops, I almost typed Riot Kitty) post!

I kind of miss the days when presidential sex scandals were the thing people were arguing about, versus terrorism, the deficit, and all of that other depressing stuff. Sex is so much more fun, especially with other people! But people got into much bigger arguments about a certain intern than I'm seeing them get into about the current political stuff. Why is that?

I guess sex is just more interesting. 

Why I love Mr. RK (not sappy)

So Mr. RK and I went out on a dinner date and as we were driving home, he said, "I was a jerk on the freeway today."

Note: Mr. RK is a very calm, courteous driver, so my curiosity was piqued.

Me: "Really? What did you do?"

Mr. RK: "So this guy was driving around like a total asshole, didn't let me merge. And then I went to pass him and he's leaning out of his window smoking, like he doesn't want to get smoke in his car. So you know when I use the windshield washer, it sprays off of the side of the car also?"

Me: "Yes."

Mr. RK: "I was passing him very slowly, and when I got slightly ahead of him, I saw him toss his cigarette butt on the road. So I hit the windshield washer and got washer fluid all over him. And he looked all pissed off, and I shrugged, like, 'What?'"

This is why I love Mr. RK.

Stories from the front

Welcome to the newest addition of true stories from work!

Mind you, I am one of the very, very fortunate people who loves my job. However, every job where you interact with humans (as opposed to animals or plants) has its moments...and there have been some interesting ones lately.

Recent caller: "I want to move to your area from California. I want phone numbers for all (39) counties in your state so I can find out about services."
Me: "You can find them at..."
Caller: "Hurry up! This is long distance."
Me: "OK, you can -"
Caller: "Slow down! I have to write slowly. I have a neck disability."
(Does anyone know what that means?)
Me: "OK, tell me when you're ready."
Caller: "I'm ready! Hurry up, this is long distance! Aren't you going to help me?"

The beautiful (insert sarcasm font here) thing is that this person keeps forgetting that she has called, and has called about 12 times.

Then there was my conversation with the manager of the program that sent us the volunteer who peed on the floor.
Manager: "Can you tell me anything that will make him more employable?"
Me: "Have him not pee on the floor!"

Seriously, folks. Even my cat has figured this out.

Then I went to give a presentation with some volunteers last week. It was supposed to be 85 degrees, so I wore a skirt and blouse, but it was really chilly in the morning.
Conservative older volunteer: "Well, you wouldn't be cold if you had just put some clothes on!" Apparently showing kneecaps is risque.

Then, of course, you know I always have sex dreams ONLY about people I have to deal with in upcoming social situations and would never, ever, in any kind of parallel universe want to sleep with. So the most recent one was, of course, about someone I know through work and have to see very soon!

How about you? Anything interesting going on in your corners of the world?

Guest post

Funny enough, Riot Kitty had been thinking of inviting me, Vasil P. McNut, to post...and then she saw Fry's guest post on Claire's blog.

I arrived at the house of Riot Kitty and Mr. Riot Kitty nearly 5 weeks ago, but I didn't hesitate to make myself right at home! Their dresser and bookcase make GREAT springboards. They were kind enough to have plenty of toys waiting for me. And when I want to play fetch with my little soccer balls at 5 a.m., they wake up! How caring is that?

Of course the bedding here is superb. I alternate between laps, beds, the sofa, and my personal ottoman.

The food is equally splendid. If I want more (I have to keep my round figure, you know), all I do is squeak!

Sometimes, though, I yowl. I get away with all of this because I'm terribly cute, as you can see. (That's probably what saved my ass when I was peeing on the floor for a few weeks. But maybe she doesn't know it was me...maybe she thinks it was Mr. RK.)

They were also considerate enough to provide me with a brother, Earl Grey. We have fun whacking each other.

Now you might remember that my name was Vasil Plotcharsky. But hey, I'm already a black cat, and named someone on the Titanic? WAT?! My antics earned me the nickname "McNut." So now I'm Vasil P. McNut.

Won't you come visit our house?