Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Ouch

One of my friends is likely getting a divorce.

I have plenty of divorced friends and know plenty of divorced people, but this is the first friend who I knew prior to his marriage who is now separated. I'm just not sure how to react, because based on what I know, his wife is totally fucking with him emotionally.

I have not been a big fan of hers for some time. And based on her behavior I suspect there is another guy. I have not told him this. He's in enough pain as it is.

It's very tempting for me to say, "To hell with her!" But it's probably better for me to be more nurturing, so I have told him I'm here if he needs me (we've exchanged probably 100 texts in the past few days) and I am sending him chocolate (he loves chocolate.)

For those of you who have been through a bad breakup or a divorce, what did friends do that helped you?

24 comments:

DWei said...

I've only had one notable breakup or so and I got through the event through anger.

It really helped actually.

LL Cool Joe said...

If my parter leaves me I'd like you to send me a gun please.

Lynn said...

Phone calls, dinners. My parents took me on a trip. :) I loved that. My brother-in-law washed and waxed my car. That kind of thing. I think you are doing exactly what he needs right now - just being there and sending chocolate.

Granny Annie said...

Keep your mouth shut and your ears open and your arms ready to catch.

wigsf3 said...

Why not nurture the rage? Rage is good in appropriate times. This is probably one of those times. Advice like "screw the bitch" may be appropriate. Especially coming from a woman, it has more resonance.

skyewriter said...

Once after a particularly nasty, long, drawn out break-up my best girlfriends showed up on my doorstep with half a case of wine, chocolate, and every Jeff Stryker movie on VHS they could rent from the video store (it was the early '90s)... we laughed our asses off. Best medicine---ever.

A Beer for the Shower said...

You know, as much as you want to say 'to hell with that girl' and tell him what you REALLY think about her... think of what would happen if they get back together. Then it's awkward because they both know what you really think. Just being supportive is already more than enough.

Also, if Mr. RK wants to get the novel to your PC (and thank you, btw! We really appreciate that!) he can either download the Kindle program, which is right on the right side of the screen (available on your PC takes you to the download link) or you can read it in your browser on Amazon.com.

Holland said...

After I kicked him out of the house, my ex complained about me (and foremost about the fact that I kicked him out) and my friends came running to my home with wine, loads of chocolates and arms full of attention, understanding, humor and love. We drank, snacked cried and laughed together.... like a damn good wake.

Green Tea said...

Chocolate is the best medicine..Divorces are hard on everyone..friends and relatives.
All you can do is be there when he wants to vent..

Logical Libby said...

I have had several friends get divorced. Each time I have been their "avenging angel." I get mad and then they can see the situation for what it is. Or maybe that's just what they tell me...

Riot Kitty said...

Thanks for the perspectives, everyone.

lgsquirrel said...

It's sad that divorce is getting so common nowadays. I had one significant breakup and even though it was a mutual decision and we remained close friends, I plumbed the depth of depression for almost a year. What was a great help to me was a friend who took me in to her home for a weekend and put up with all moping and moaning and just offered friendship and a listening ear without once asking any questions or trying to pry. It made me feel blessed and helped me realise I was just wasting precious time being sad and crying over spilled milk.

Riot Kitty said...

LG: I hope he ends up feeling that way, because she seems like a real bitch.

Claire said...

"Keep your mouth shut and your ears open and your arms ready to catch."

Loved this. Also, wine, chocolate, and being there have all worked when I've been helping friends through similar. Sorry to hear this.

Green Tea said...

Claire is right, just be there for him and keep your thoughts about his wife to your self for now..you never know they could get back together.
I went through this with my kids and their divorces, I still have to keep my mouth shut because of the G kids..
Your a good friend "M"

John McElveen said...

RK- Just exactly what you are doing! Being an honest, caring friend!

J

G said...

The only thing that you realistically can do is just be there for him.

On a personal level, because most of my friends are happily and blissfully single, I never really had to help them go through a tough breakup. The few that aren't, I've been there as the proverbial bartender, more than willing to lend an ear to thoroughly bend if they needed to vent.

Riot Kitty said...

Good advice, everyone.

G: Blissfully single! That is funny.

Shionge said...

I have friends who have been through a divorce and custody of two kids one of which is handicapped. I was with her throughout her most difficult times - emotionally and financially and I am glad she pulled through.

Myself, I have my ups and downs but besides being a strong person, I have friends who spends time with and holding my hands and having my chin up high.

So yes, being there for him during this painful time certainly helps.

Scarlet said...

I don't think there's anything you can do to make the pain go away but just by being your funny, witty and caring self...that's a HUGE gift right there. If he can start a blog (even if it's anonymous) to get his thoughts out, his pain, that would help, I think. It helped me through the hard times.

Hugs to your pal and I know he'll be OK having a friend like you in his life.

Riot Kitty said...

S: That is so kind of you - I am sure you helped her get through more than you know.
Scarlet: Very sweet of you!

Darth Weasel said...

At the risk of spewing psychobabble...you can only help them when they want to be helped.

Seriously, it is a tough time to be a friend to the person going through it. The best help you can be is to be there when they want you to and far away when they want that...sometimes at the same time.

And it is often difficult to tell which is right at any given time

Workingdan said...

My marriage recently came dangerously close to divorce...the best thing our friends and family did was remain neutral and just be supportive.

Riot Kitty said...

WD: I have been reading your blog, actually - glad you seem to be doing much better.