Gene Simmons, I'll never fuck you. Ever.

Even if I wasn't single - and even when I was single - I can tell you with supreme confidence that no member of the band KISS could have or could lure me into bed.

Somehow, according to the band's frontman Gene Simmons, more than 4,600 women have - and continue to (despite the fact that he's married) - slept with him.

My friend Bernadette shared this NPR interview with me, where Simmons - who, by the way, is a first-rank capitalist, with a marketing company, and a reality show where he and his partner televised their facelifts - says that every (heterosexual) guy wants to be like him, fucking his way across the universe. The only thing that stops them, he says, is that they don't have as much money as he does.

"Money is the single most important thing on the planet," he says.

My first question to my friend was, "What about the makeup?!" Terry Gross asked that question in the interview, and he replied, "I wash it off."

I'd say very few of the men I have come in contact with want to be a swashbuckling asshole. Most of them want or have wanted their fair share of conquests, but I don't think they're all pigs at heart.

"If you want to welcome me with open arms," he tells her, "you have to welcome me with open legs."

What do you think?

PS Gene Simmons - I don't care how rich you are, I'll never fuck you! With or without the makeup.

TGIAFF!

Thank God it's almost Fucking Friday!! This has been a never-ending week since last Friday. Overnight in the middle of nowhere for work that day. Conference at work all day Saturday. As of tonight, my boss and I have worked 24 hours out of the past 48.

I love my job - but I need a whole weekend. Tomorrow is CHOCOLATE with Darth and Pheromone Girl and I can't wait!

But first, I need to get through another meeting...I am feeding people Subway sandwiches in the hopes that their mouths will be too full for them to cause any trouble.

And selfishly...I ordered all of the sandwiches sans the onions. People in our organization tend to whine and the last thing I need is whining + stinky breath.

Is that passive aggressive or am I just a control freak?

Happy almost Friday!

Helpful is in the eye of the beholder

We had our annual conference for work last weekend (there went my weekend!) It went well but nothing exhausts me more than being around a lot of people - especially ones I don't know or don't know well. This, I read, is the mark of a true introvert, although only people who know me well believe that I'm that way.

There were 125 people who signed up, most of whom I hadn't met before. Fortunately none of the real cranks were there this year - mostly nice people and only a few irritating ones.

I was probably most surprised by a guy from the Southern part of our state who came up and introduced himself and said, "Riot Kitty! I'm J. You're wonderful! You always help me when I can't get your boss on the phone! And you helped me today the minute I walked in!"

Thanking him, I was puzzled at how I had helped, because I hadn't talked to him (so I thought) at the conference prior to that moment.

Then it dawned on me: I had shown him the way to the restroom.

Helpful is definitely in the eye of the beholder!

I would have been burned as a witch.

My dad is fond of saying that if I had been born in another century, I'd have been Joan of Arc.

I'm not quite that brave - I think had I even been my age in the 1950s, though, I'd have been burned as a witch. (By the way, Peach Tart wrote an interesting post about being glad she wasn't stuck in the 1950s.)

Both of my grandmothers are married to chauvinistic jerks. I don't feel bad about saying this because none of my grandparents (and all four are still alive) have bothered about their grandchildren, so the only bits I have seen are what I observed at rare reunions and gatherings.

My grandfather on my biological mother's side is just a bastard, honestly. I had to spend two days with him and my grandmother a couple of years ago when my great aunt (my grandmother's sister) was dying. I had some choice words for him when he continually picked on my grandmother - just mean, unnecessary, bullying stuff. Thing is, he shut up when I told him to knock if off. She hasn't spoken up for herself in 55 years of marriage, so she probably doesn't realize that under that bravado varnish, he's just a coward.

He has been in the hospital with a staph infection and my dad and I were debating whether my mother would go to his funeral if he died. We both agreed that she shouldn't, because he was just a terrible father. Neither of us communicate with her, but I think he really fucked her up.

Anyway, he told me a hilarious story about one of the times we had visited my grandparents while he and bio-mom were still married. I was maybe four years old and I asked why my grandfather was served his dinner before the rest of us. (Yes, it was that kind of sexist household.)

My dad, who these days would never sit at a dinner table with this kind of shit going on, said it was out of respect.

But I wouldn't leave it, even at age four.

Me: "But why?"
Dad: "Because...he's the head of the household."
Me: "Why? Who decides that? What if we're hungrier than he is?"
My grandfather (to me): "I'm glad you don't live here."
Me: "I would never live here!"

If I would have ever had to live in that house, I think I would have been burned as a witch.

Tip for the uninitiated

Now I know that people have used dead relatives as an excuse to get out of things. Someone I knew in high school, for instance, worked at the same shop that her sister had worked at previously. On her last day, her boss pulled her aside and said, "Oh, by the way. You and your sister are the only people I've employed who had three grandmothers die while they were here." You see, M and her sister had used the excuse a total of three times. Oops.

However, here's a tip for the uninitiated: if you use death as an excuse to get out of a meeting, make sure you don't kill off relatives of which you only have one, more than one time.

The board member that I hate - HATE HATE HATE HATE! - OK, I don't really hate anyone but she comes pretty damn close - the same one who is constantly criticizing everyone else, while promising the moon and yet never delivering any work - missed a meeting last night. She said her dad had died.

And then I find out that six months ago, she canceled a meeting with another person in our organization who happens to be a friend of mine, because - guess what? - she was making funeral plans. For her dad.

Does she have more than one?

I told my boss and for the first time since I met him, I saw his jaw drop.

But over a work dinner tonight (and I think he had had a few beers after work), he blurted out, "Shit! That woman is NUTS! And I put her on the board!"

Then he looked at me sheepishly, because we both work for a mental health organization, and said, "And I don't use that word lightly, because you and I are nuts, too!"

So now I am off to our conference for work this weekend...I expect more strange stuff and more laughs.

Outreach for bigots

A lot of my job is becoming outreach - which is cool not just because it was my idea, but because we need to spread the word into all kinds of communities that mental illness is not a sin. Sadly, some communities still feel this way (we are told) even though having depression, say, is just as organic as having diabetes.

So I don't normally write about religion but this week the Vatican has really pissed me off. They've decided to extend a warm welcome to non-Catholics, specifically Anglicans, who are upset about progress - namely, the fact that women and GLBT people can become priests.

That's right. Want to keep female, and non-straight people of all genders in their place? So does the Vatican! Join us in celebrating heterosexual men as religious leaders! Even if we won't let them have sex, if we *did* let them have sex, their dicks would be in the right place!

It just makes me sick. The Catholic church, in my opinion, is outrageous enough - the pope has the audacity to live in a palace in robes that probably cost more than my car, but go into poor countries and tell people who can't feed the kids they already have that they shouldn't use birth control.

But this isn't the first time the Catholic church has done some marketing to gain membership - you know all of those Roman holidays? Well, they figured that it would be easier to put Christmas and Easter around those times of year to bring Pagans into the fold.

First Pagans, now bigots. Anyone who wants to join and give them more money, I suppose.

So I suppose it's religious marketing 101.

Incidentally, I have been to Vatican City, which is also known as the smallest country on earth. They wouldn't let me into the Sistine Chapel because my dress showed my shoulders. But I was allowed to wait outside at the gift shop while the rest of the tour went through.

Honest to a fault

is how I'd be if I didn't try to be diplomatic in places, say, like meetings for work.

Aliceson tagged me for this meme, and I am supposed to tag 7 other people, but I've tagged the hell out of most of you, so feel free to participate or not as you see fit. I'd love to learn more about you all!

The theme: 10 honest things about yourself.

So here goes:

1. From age 13 to 26, my hair was just about every color except platinum blond: all shades of red, most shades of blond, dark brown, and even black. Then I stopped fucking with it and it's sort of a dishwater brown with a few gold bits if the sun or the light hits just right.

2. I have had (unwanted, mind you) sex dreams about every male boss I've ever had except the one I slept with. Don't worry, this was in college, and I was a freelancer. For the paper, I mean.

3. I am the only person in my family with my last name. I bought it. Meaning I paid a lawyer $500 to go to court and change it for me. Just because.

4. I am tough when I need to be, but also a somewhat sensitive person who can get hurt feelings easily. I'm working on this.

5. My cats are more appealing company to me than most of the people I know - or my extended family even.

6. It's difficult for me not to be judgmental of people that have a lot of resources - e.g. time or money - on their hands and don't use it to help other people.

7. I hate TV because until I moved in with my dad in seventh grade, the TV was always droning on in the background, because my mother wanted to do her own thing.

8. I am a closet John Denver fan.

9. I am naturally a curious person to the point where it sometimes annoys other people.

10. One day I'm afraid I'm going to go ballistic in a crowded grocery store when the 90th person bangs into my basket with her cart, tries to cut in front of me in line, won't get her ass out of the way so I can move down the aisle, or asks the checker 16 different ways if they carry an item when she has been told 18 times that they don't. I may lose it and start throwing heads of cabbage at everyone and get kicked out. I really might!

This is why you want to work in my office!

If you were a fly on the wall in my office Friday, you would have heard this:

Me (referring to a couple of bitches pulling a power play, who have made life difficult for my boss recently): You know what? Just fuck 'em both.

My boss: That's something I'd rather not do, actually.

*Howling laughter*

Me: So there are some sacrifices you aren't willing to make for the organization, eh?

My boss: That particular activity doesn't sound like it would be very much fun.

*Laughter until my cheeks hurt.*

Happy weekend!

Over the top!

Thanks, Aliceson! And oh yes - I just realized I owe you *another* post...thanks for the blog material ;)

The challenge: answer the survey below…you can only use one word answers!

Where is your cell phone? purse

Your hair? flat

Your mother? Mars

Your father? Dear

Your favorite food? potatoes

Your dream last night? zero

Your favorite drink? mocha

Your dream/goal? book

What room are you in? study

Your hobby? activism

Your Fear? sharks

Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy

Where were you last night? bed

Something that you aren’t? flat

Muffins? blueberry

Wish list item? peace

Where did you grow up? everywhere

Last thing you did? exercise

What are you wearing? pjs

Your TV? off

Your pets? sweet!

Friends? loyal

Your life? busy~!

Your mood? tired

Missing someone? sometimes

Vehicle? burgundy

Something you’re not wearing? socks

Your favorite store? none

Your favorite color? red

When was the last time you laughed? tonight

Last time you cried? Tuesday

Your best friend? awesome!

One place that I go to over and over? California

One person who emails me regularly? Twin

Favorite place to eat? Mexican

*I'm supposed to pass this on to six other bloggers, so if you're up for it...*

Drum roll...

Word Geek

Darth Weasel

Mike D

Scarlet

D

Green Tea

I swear I'm not becoming a foodie.

A request for the cake recipe? I'm flattered~! Here you are - and Aliceson, I haven't forgotten I owe you a blog for which I was tagged. I'm being slugly on my last day off.

I made this with homemade chocolate fudge frosting, but you can use whatever kind you like.

Yellow cake

Ingredients:

2 cups cake flour

2 tsp baking powder

½ tsp salt

½ cup butter, softened

1 cup sugar

3 large eggs

2 tsp vanilla

¾ cup milk

Preheat oven to 350 F. Use a little olive oil on bottom of 9 x 13 pan to prevent sticking.

In a bowl, combine flour, baking powder, and salt with a wire whisk.
Mix butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in eggs one at a time. Add vanilla and mix until completely combines. Slowly add flour alternately with milk.

Bake for 20 to 25 minutes. Cool before frosting.

And a tip for the uninitiated: cats don't like frosting!

*Ninja edit*

Chocolate fudge frosting
Ingredients:

1/2 cup butter
2/3 cup Hershey's cocoa
3 cups powdered sugar
1/3 cup milk

Melt butter. Stir in cocoa. Alternately add powdered sugar and milk, beating to spreading consistency. Makes about 2 cups of frosting. (Unless you sneak some.)

The best cake!

Some of you read my previous post about learning to cook a bit. I offered to make a cake for my dad's birthday, too. Only after he had eaten it did I find out he had been skeptical! Skeptical but sweet enough to say yes, make me a cake!

(By the way, the computer I'm borrowing doesn't have image reduction software, so you'll have to wait for b.day pics until we're back.)

He said he was reassured a bit because even though I had never made one before, Mr. RK was my taste tester, and he knew Mr. RK wouldn't blow smoke up my ass (OK, not my dad's exact words) about how it turned out.

Then I made one for my boss's surprise 40th b.day party at work, so my dad was a little more reassured. He says it's the best cake he has ever had. He would not lie to me. That competitive part of me says, Yippee!

We had a nice, low-key kind of time but it's more b.day tonight before we get back - he's actually opening the cards and the rest of his presents. So he got the best cake, I got the best dad.

I got a much better deal :)

PS We are going back tomorrow, so apologies in advance for another internet hiatus.

Don't hate me because it's 72 and sunny!

The drive was a couple of hours longer than it should have been, because there were literally 15 (at least) road construction projects between Portland and San Jose. All stimulus, probably...but Mr. RK is a good traveling companion and put up with my cranky nervousness when I'm not sure how things work (e.g. driving his car) or unexpected surprises come up (me driving the bit through the mountains.)

I am terrified of heights in some circumstances, but I don't let it stop me from doing most things...I've been to the Grand Canyon and looked down, been on big rollercoasters, had no fear looking out on New York City from the Empire State Building. But high cliffs and driving through mountains (or even being a passenger) is terrifying for me. I forgot to mention this to Mr. RK, and by the time we got to flatland, I practically screamed, "DO YOU WANT TO DRIVE NOW??????"

Tomorrow we're going to Muir Woods and I am not even looking, much less driving, over the higher-than-high cliff it takes to get there.

Here's a pic I took from the road.

PS I am trying to visit blogs but I haven't been online hardly at all, so if I don't stop until next Wednesday when we're back, I'm not ignoring you ;) Unless your name is Phil.

Top 10 Tuesday

Dear Joey,

It's still Tuesday here, and your own post inspired me, so here's my rant!

I love my job, and I really like most of the people I work with, and most of those who volunteer for us.

But 10% or so really get on my nerves.

Here are the top 10 things I WILL NOT miss hearing while I am on vacation:

1. After asking if my boss is in, and I reply that he isn't, "Well, maybe you can help me..." and then it takes 5 or 10 minutes to get to the fucking question, which I can't answer anyway.

2. "But are you sure?" Yes, I'm sure. I can't answer the question. Which I have already said. Multiple times.

3. "But maybe if..." This is followed by yet another version of the same question. At which point I feel like saying, "Listen up, you clueless fuck! You can ask me 12 different ways, and you'll get the same answer: I DO NOT KNOW!"

4. The question from our education committee chair, who is a nice but sometimes annoying, nitpicky person who always has a bee in her bonnet, and it's always about something unimportant: "Has C (my boss) done X, Y, or Z yet?" Even if he's been out of town for a week on a business trip in another time zone, and X, Y and Z aren't due for two weeks, and they're all relatively unnecessary.

5. From helpline callers: "Well, why doesn't your organization do this?" Hmm. Because we're a mental health nonprofit and not a service provider, a fire department, or a fast food restaurant. And we have a staff of 2.3, 0.3 of which is an accountant. I've been asked for food-related health brochures, copies of ethics laws for psychiatrists, grant information for horse physical therapy nonprofit endeavors (I am not kidding!), etc.

6. "What does (my organization) do?" If you don't know, why the hell are you calling? Oh yes - you're calling about food brochures and horse phsyical therapy grants! Just curious.

7. Hearing a family member ask, of their adult relative, "Well, isn't there a way I can make him/her take his/her medication?" In a word: NO.

8. Hearing volunteers whose chapter of our organization doesn't even have a real budget or any staff tell me we need to be on Twitter, FaceBook, etc. Get a budget first. Hire someone. Until then, be quiet!

9. Taking calls from someone who is nice but rants about the same stuff over and over. I tried to cut this short and make it positive today by asking, "How can I help?" She replied melodramatically, as she almost always does, "Just shoot me." Next time, I am going to reply, "I just might!"

10. Hearing ANYTHING AT ALL from a couple of board members who are just a pain in the ass. My boss, talking to the accountant about one of these members, said, "He is a burr in my saddle at the moment." Then he looked pointedly at me. I said, "Don't look at me! He's a burr in my saddle every morning that I wake up!"

Cool sibling Monday

Well, Tuesday for those of you on the opposite side of the world.

My brother and I both write, although we write totally different stuff. He is mostly a sci-fi/horror/mystery writer, and has been published in several anthologies. My work has chiefly been nonfiction (I used to be a reporter and I am still a freelance writer/editor), along with a children's book that I'm trying to hawk. (Any ideas?)

Anyhow, I've been nagging him forever to get a web site, and voila! Tonight it went live.

I forgot all about the picture above, which, judging from the fireplace, was taken at my late great aunt Marie's house one of the summers we visited her. Which means I took it, or she did, and amazingly, the three of us didn't collapse into fits of giggles before we got a photo.

I'm not sure he'd want to share the more graphic bits of his fiction with her, but I am sure she would be (or is, depending on your frame of mind) proud of him.

I certainly am!

So check out his site. He has some of his work posted so you can read it.

Fall

I was sick as a dog today, but my adorable kitties were right here cuddling with me - and Mr. RK went out and got me an array of goodies, so I suppose I am spoiled.

That's the only thing I don't like about fall - I always manage to get sick at least once - oh wait, and I hate the days getting shorter.

Other than that, I love fall, and October is my favorite month. I love having tea and cocoa (not together), the smell of bonfires (it may be yard trimmings but don't rain on my parade!), walks over leaves that turned colors and crunch under my feet.

The kitties re-fluff and look even bigger than they do the rest of the year. It would be kind of funny if humans fluffed up in cooler weather, too, wouldn't it? Not that it's something I'd like to see...

We are going down to California to visit my family later this week, for my dad's 60th birthday. I don't know if fall will have arrived there by then or not - they call us each year on Thanksgiving and gloat about having an outdoor bbq - but it will be fun to see everyone. I can't wait to go into North Beach in San Francisco - it's my favorite time of year to go to that city, too.

Well, this is about as fluffy and sappy of a post as I've ever written, so I suppose I should close with something more Riot Kittyish...

I gave a speech last night at a dinner/fundraising hosted by one of my organization's local chapters. If it wasn't bad enough that the band was an awful (and I mean awful) 70s cover band - complete with out-of-tune guitars and a lame lead singer - those motherfuckers were talking to each other, right behind me, when I was on stage giving my speech.

So at one point I turned around and hissed, "Will you knock it off?"

They did.

I am going to make a great grumpy old lady!

Jargon

I've been at my current job about a year and a half now, and among other things, it has taken that long to catch up on some - not all - of the acronyms and jargon associated with a health nonprofit.

Among them:
DHS
OHP
SSI and SSD
DMAP
AMH

etc.

I wish people would just choose a language - any language! - to speak when sending out information and information requests. Take this real sentence from an e-mail from a government agency we partner with:

This RFI enables COPR to help the NIH obtain broader public input on the overall need for health information as well as on information-seeking behaviors of the various NIH consumer audiences.

Um, what?

I realized last night, when I took a friend who also works for our organization out for her b.day, that I'm already becoming guilty of doing this myself, if only in conversation.

I said, "So the good thing is now that he'll have a case worker, he'll hopefully get on OHP and SSI or SSD..."

Blah. If I ever write like that, just shoot me.

TTFN! (Ta ta for now!)