Sunday, November 15, 2015

Apocalpyse later

I'm seriously overdue (again) for a post and visiting blogs. Don't hate me!

Things have been seriously busy at home and work. I know you can relate. This weekend I had to drive down to small town about 2 1/2 hours away from here (I made it home in two hours last night with no tickets, yay!) for our conference for work. We choose this location because it's about 2 or 3 hours from just about everywhere in the state (yes, Oregon is that small.) But aside from the hotel, there's basically nothing there. (Tip for the uninitiated: Carl's Jr. is ranked the #9 restaurant in town by Trip Advisor. No, I am not making this up.)
On the drive down from Portland, you very quickly realize that you're in bumblefuck Egypt and start seeing apocalyptic billboards.

Billboard #1: "Lust damns you to HELL!" (Complete with a picture of flames.) Damn, I'm already fucked.

Billboard #2: "Saturday is the true Sabbath, hijacked by the antichrist! Free booklet! For more information, call..."

Billboard #3: "Addicted to porn? Jesus came to set captives free!" Picture of an ecstatic looking man jumping up in the air like the old Toyota commercials. (If you're too young to remember those, don't tell me.)

Clearly everyone in this part of the state is voting for Donald Trump.

However, I'm pleased to say that the apocalypse didn't happen when I was there. As my friend K noted, "If you lived in that town, you'd be waiting for the apocalypse too!"

I have to say that the highlight of my week was seeing this waiting for me at the health department:
A show of hands, please. Anyone else pick up 1,000 condoms and 500 packets of lube for work? No?
These are actually for holiday bags of toiletries and small warm items and gifts that we put together at work for people who are low-income and often homeless and live with mental illness. That would be a hell of an isolating combination, I think.

The person from the county health department picked up a packet of lube and asked me, "You don't think we'll have a problem with these, right? I mean, people won't think it's to put in their coffee?"

I went back to work and laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.



22 comments:

Lee said...

Hate you?? Impossible, RK...how could we hate you??

I'm probably damned, too...oh, well...who cares? At least I'm in good company. Can I join you next time you go to Bumblefuck?

Perhaps throw a box of condoms in the boot...you never know..they might come in handy...for making water bombs, of course!!! What did you think I meant"

A Beer For The Shower said...

Carl's Jr. is #9? That IS crazy. It's always #1 in my books.

And yes, I remember those Toyota commercials. I don't remember anything about Jesus crimefighting porno, though.

(Oh, and thank you for the birthday greetings! Twas a good one)

Lynn said...

Now that's a good laugh, when you almost pee in your pants!

Abby said...

Condom and lube care packages - there's gotta be a billboard in there somewhere!

Bohemian said...

LMAO and almost spilled my drink on the keyboard! So glad I found your Delightful Blog on this stormy, dreary afternoon devoid of laughs! Dawn... The Bohemian

KB said...

Y0ur post gave me a few giggles, thanks!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I can see the advertisements now . . . "Try our new and improved LUBE COFFEE! It'll slide right down your throat!"

Elephant's Child said...

Only almost peed your pants? Admirable bladder control.
I suspect lube coffee is a once, and only once thing.

LL Cool Joe said...

I thought lube was for your hair? It gives it a nice shine.

As you get older peeing your pants can happen even when you aren't laughing. Not that I'd know about that of course...

Granny Annie said...

I did pee my pants!

Charles Gramlich said...

Yikes, those Billboards sound like the opening scene to a horror movie

Birdie said...

OK, I was looking forward to visiting Oregon because I thought it was a very liberal state. WTF is up with voting for Trump? Don't tell me I have to cancel my visit.

I would never, ever hate you. Ever. xo

G. B. Miller said...

Woah.

Never been to Carl Jr's (prolly 'cause I lives in the East) but I'm sure the equivalent is Arby's, eh?

To lube or not to lube, that is the question. Whether it's nobler to scream in pain, or scream in agony, only the recipient can truly decide.

Unless you're a member of a public sector union, in which case, you need to spread wide so the guv'nor can slam it hard and deep.

This little nugget of whimsy is brought to you by one very tired writer, who couldn't resist an opening larger than the Lincoln Tunnel in which to slide through. Or slide on.

Father Nature's Corner

Rock Chef said...

Well I guess there is not much to distract you from your meetings in that place. Except the fear of eternal damnation, of course...

Ileana said...

It's posts and pics like these that make me think I'm in the wrong line of work. LOL You gotta love your job and the state you live in!

CraveCute said...

We Love you RK!

Blue Grumpster said...

...to put in their coffee? Damn. How come nobody every told me lust damns me to HELL? Well, who put it in my system? Well? Well? See, now I need a drink.

Claire said...

That last story has me weeping. Lube in coffee. What a wonderful world.

Rock Chef said...

Hi, still around. Kind of! :-(

Betty Manousos said...

happy thanksgiving!!

hope your thanksgiving is filled with blessings, joy, and of course, great food. xoxo

love you!

Mike_D said...

Say, this coffee tastes funny.

Love those signs...

Sounds like those chick pamplets we get at work ALL THE TIME!!
http://www.therobotsvoice.com/2008/09/the_10_greatest_chick_tract_minicomics_of_hellfire.php

Ramzu Zahini said...

:) and I smiled.