Monday, June 08, 2015

An open letter to the fluffy killers in my house

SURE, you two look innocent enough.
But I will never look at either of you the same way again.
Yes, I grew up in the suburbs, a fact which is now painfully obvious to you, Mr. RK, and my friends. I have never, in fact, seriously thought you might eat something that didn't come from a can. Perhaps you'd give it a small chase, then get bored, like you do with your tiny soccer balls? Maybe you'd run away?

And yet somehow, a poor field mouse (make that ex-field mouse) somehow ran into the house last week, and you two ate it like a fucking hot pocket.

At least that's what I'm told. God bless Mr. RK for getting home first and cleaning up all evidence of your nasty snack.
I get that there is a food chain. I get that nature is a cruel place. But seriously, why did this poor little thing have to run in and meet its doom with you? I am so disillusioned. Here I am thinking you love us, and the fact is that if we croaked, you'd probably say, "YUM! Fresh meat!"

Now I have no illusions when you sit and flick your tail at a squirrel or a blue Jay on the other side of the sliding glass door.

I've been obsessing about this the past few days, wondering WHICH ONE OF YOU was the killer. Or maybe you both were?

PS You know what else bothers me? YOU ATE THE WHOLE THING. Not that I want to eat a fucking mouse, or find a dead mouse in my living room, but still. Other cats are selfless and bring the entire mouse for their masters, but clearly, you two have no such consideration. All you left were the...well, never mind. Let's just say I owe Mr. RK a big favor.

Yours truly,

A vegetarian. A BIG one.

21 comments:

Elephant's Child said...

When we lived in the country one of our cats used to bring us home rabbits. Which she would disembowel in the kitchen, leaving us the ears and the cotton tails. Eeeeeuw. And the skinny one doesn't do those sort of clean ups...

Charles Gramlich said...

You can take the cat out of nature but you can't take the nature out of the cat.

blogoratti said...

Alas, only the strongest survive.

Lynn said...

The neighbor next door used to have an outdoor cat who would bring me dead animals - whole sometimes, partially eaten sometimes. I once opened the door to a small skeleton with only a fluffy tail intact. I shrieked and picked it up by the tail with about 15 paper towels and threw it over the railing into the bushes below. The next morning it was back!!!! So I feel your pain, my friend.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Experts say cats will eat your eyeballs first. They are soft and easy to get out. Then they'll start on the rest of you.

Just so you know.

But how can we deny them even this? Cats rule, man.

Birdie said...

That is the reason The Ungrateful Bastard is not allowed outside. He kills for sport.

Anil P said...

A cat that once lived in my home would want nothing to do ever with a mouse, content watching the mouse scurry about all day if it could. Ever since that cat I've generally looked with skepticism at Tom and Jerry cartoons and believed that stories of their going after a mouse is but a conspiracy to defame their good name :-) :-)

klahanie said...

Cats, it starts with a field mouse or two, then it progresses to devouring humans. Either that or turn all humans into slaves working long hours in a milk factory in Switzerland.

Must go now because the dog is about to attack my computer screen!

Gary :)

OldLady Of The Hills said...

It's in their DNA. They are not that far away from The Jungle. But.....I never heard of a domesticated cat eating a Human....LOL! I guess there is always a first time.

You made me laugh, my dear, and I thank you for that! Mr. RK is a Gem!!!!!

Abby said...

I'm sure they love you despite your vegetarianism, which I'm sure they can't wrap their heads around.
Our cat likes to play with his food before he kills it (gopher, mouse, bird, rabbit...) Makes it his friend before the ultimate betrayal. Maybe he's just waiting for me to go to sleep and not wake up.

Rock Chef said...

Have no illusions about cats. They are self centred and evil. I fought a war with the local cats and it was a losing drawer...

G. B. Miller said...

Imagine the fun we can have if we change the words to the chours of the song "Fish Heads" to "Mouse Heads".

Mouse heads, mouse heads. Roly poly mouse heads. Mouse heads, mouse heads, eat them up, yum!

Yeah.


Food for thought, so to speak.

Lee said...

Hahahahahaha! I do empathise, RK...I really do! I'd feel similar in a similar situation.

It's your telling of the story that amuses me. My two furry rascals, like yours (like they usually are) don't come in contact with any wild life...other than me, of course.

I've had to be the one to chase mice outside the couple of times they've ventured in between these hallowed walls. These two cats of mine thought they were guests, I think. I'm sure they put out clean towels for them and chocolates on their pillows - they probably even asked them for their breakfast orders!

As these two rascals of mine are only out for the briefest of times in the mornings their hunting time is very limited. Fortunately, the very few times they've been successful in finding a playmate they've always brought it inside and presented me with the "gift" and I've been able to save whatever it was.

It's still their natural instinct...so don't be too harsh on them. A week or two in the "Naughty Corner" should do! They can use that time to learn to read. :)

Blue Grumpster said...

... left the what the what? I need to know.

P.S. Guess who's on my show today? You may know this kitty... HERE

You're welcome ;)

A Beer For The Shower said...

This is why all of my cats are indoor cats. When I was younger, my parents made the mistake of letting the cats go into the backyard. I had to clean up so many dead squirrels. And let me tell you, it's just the chore a 10 year old wants to do because his mother is too freaked out to even touch it.

LL Cool Joe said...

Our cats would torment and kill a mouse but not eat it, that's just plain cruel. Obviously you aren't feeding them enough. and now I want to know which part of the mouse they didn't eat? I thought the balls would be tasty?

lotta joy said...

When I lived in the country, some kind of instinct told me to look over the edge of the bed one night. When I did, there was my cat prepared to jump in bed with me, with a LIVE mouse in her mouth. It was her GIFT to me, and that's how she saw it. I, on the other hand, pictured WILD KINGDOM being played out on top of my body.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Thanks for the link, Riot Kitty! "Relentlessly Gay" -- LOVE IT! Something for us all to aspire to, LOL!

CraveCute said...

Having two cats myself, I can totally relate to this post. Cats reveal their true nature when given the opportunity, on the upside, now you know if one ever got out of the house it could survive for a few days on its own. I live in an old house next to a lake, so I've seen my share of... you know... Cats... just one reason why I always put on slippers, especially at night.. in the dark...

Senorita said...

It sounds like your kitties were mocking your vegetarianism lol.

You cats are beautiful, tuxedo cats are my favorite :)

Bohemian said...

I only get upset when mine turns up her nose at the Generic Brand of Cat Food but then will go out and eat a barbaric lunch as if it's a Hot Pocket! What? Dawn... The Bohemian