Thursday, August 19, 2010

Tips for the uninitiated


I am no HR person. I am not a hiring professional. But I still have advice for people in general after being in on the hiring process at work.

Mind you, we've gotten some great resumes. But we've also gotten many clueless people as well.

So here are some tips I have come up with. Tell me if you think they're clever.

1. When referring to yourself, capitalize "I."

2. Don't apply for a position we do not have - particularly when you are referring to a specific job we posted on craigslist.

3. Don't simply say, "I'm smart," and expect to think it'll land you the job. One cover letter simply said, "I'm a smart person. I can do this job." Not kidding. No more words in the cover letter - it was actually more like a cover sentence. Another person listed his IQ and MENSA membership as reasons we should hire him.

4. Don't send us your resume in power point format, including a picture of yourself in sunglasses. As my board president said, "We're not doing a movie screening!"

5. Don't send a generic cover letter that you've sent everywhere else to all kinds of different people in different industries.

6. Don't simply send an e-mail saying, "I'm moving to your city," and send a resume that says you have no experience in our field and are currently waiting tables or working at a sporting goods store.

7. For God's sake, don't say 1) "I'm the perfect fit", 2) "I'm the ideal candidate," or 3) "I know I'm the right person for this job." Because guess what? Aside from the arrogance of it, a bunch of other applicants - surprise! - have said the same thing.

8. When you know us personally, don't address your cover letter to "dear hiring manager" or "dear sirs."

9. READ THE AD!

10. Don't e-mail me and say, "I could do the job perfectly, but I'm making soooooooo much more than that now!"

I'm not making any of this up. Happy almost Friday!

19 comments:

Claire said...

Oh sweet Lord. People are so odd.

Cxx

PS Yay! Office kitteh!

Granny Annie said...

May i say i liked your post, yes i did:)

G said...

I got a job app once while I was working in the private sector (unfortunately no HR stories like this in the public sector, unless you count mine own mess of an app and resume) that had the word "manager" spelled as "maniger".

Person applying was a manager at his former job, applying for a job with my company.

Fireblossom said...

I'm smart and I just know I'm the perfect person to make this comment at your blog! Hey...how do you like my sunglasses?

PS--re: the lolcat...I cannot imagine a cat working a desk job. But that just makes the picture funnier.

Scarlet Ily said...

First of all, that gato is adorable. Love that little patch of black fur near his mouth. :)

As for job applicants, you should see what they WEAR to interviews here in Miami. I don't know if it's the heat or if they think DRESSING SLUTTY = GETTING THE JOB (depends on what you're applying for, I guess), but yeah, we have some real winners in this town as well.

whatigotsofar said...

# 10 is my favourite. Who does that? Seriously! What a dickhead!

Lynn said...

I used to go through resumes and saw some crazy things I could add:

Don't put every single job you've ever had and then reduce it to 5 pt. type so there are fewer pages.

And no one should put their fun email address on their resume: one guy had the email address of acesorbetter@xxx.com.

Mama Zen said...

And, don't ask how soon you'll be eligible for a vacation!

Senorita said...

Once again, your lolcats never disappoint !

I thank God for dumb applicants, it means less competition for me.

Riot Kitty said...

C: Just when I think I've seen it all, something odder surprises me!
GA: LOL!
G: That is hilarious.
FB: LMAO! You're the perfect fit ;)
Scarlet: I believe it. Years ago at my dad's company, he said someone hired a receptionist because of her huge boobs and low-cut blowses. She kept putting people on hold so she could have personal calls...she finally got fired, but it took awhile because of all of the idiots oggling her.
WIGSF: A volunteer said that. Had she not been in another city, I'd have had a hard time not slapping her. Thing is, she sucks as a volunteer! She doesn't even return calls.
Lynn: Bwahaha! Our board president said she once got one from an e-mail that was something like "hotpussy93@..." Seriously!
MZ: Good point.
S: Another good point!

Darth Weasel said...

okay,first off, general anger towards Fireblossom for plagiarizing my joke before I wrote it.

second, now, my incredibly witty...so incredibly witty it was pre-plagiarized...comment has been stolen, my cover page just got shorter;

"what they said"

LL Cool Joe said...

It's a times like this I realise how right I am for my job, and hey what's wrong with wearing shades in a photo! ;)

Mike_D said...

Does this mean that I shouldn't wear any low cut shirts to any job interviews? How about short skirts? God, that takes the fun out of everything@!

Riot Kitty said...

Darth: I am surprised I haven't gotten one like that yet :)
Joey: Nothing wrong with it! But you don't send those photos with your job apps...unless you're a DJ? :)
Mike: Yeah, sorry to dissapoint you ;)

Green Tea said...

I have told my daughter to check this out, her company has been sold and their could be a reorganization.

She can use a good laugh right now :D

runningwmn said...

Great tips! I only have one question. What if I really really am the most perfect candidate and excellent fit for the job? :)

Riot Kitty said...

GT: LOL!
RWN: Bwahaha!

Word Geek said...

I got one.
If you are a service user at a community centre, and you fancy applying for a job involving quite a bit of admin and the ability to work independently , that's great. Go for it.

However, taking up all the staff's time demanding help with your application because you're 'so rubbish at forms', including requests for help to 'juice up' your resume...won't get you on the shortlist.
Happened last week. About 4 times. No word of a lie.

Word Geek said...

Oh... i should say: this was a job AT our service. The people giving the resume help would be making the decisions as to who made the shortlist...