Crazy motherfucker? Come publish with us!

OK, we don't have that many authors with mental problems to consider that as a new tagline.

But isn't having one or two enough?

Today, my co-worker received a six-page e-mail from such an author.

His accusations: We are holding back his "loyalties" (correct word: royalties.)

The truth: Everyone in his little cult apparently promised they'd buy his book, but no one did.

Well, one person did. That's right! He has sold one copy.

Here's an excerpt from his e-mail (identifying details omitted) just for the purposes of laughter - and by the way, his grasp of the English language is about as good as his grasp of reality:

Dear Sirs /Madams,

THE LAW OF CAUSE AND EFFECT(KARMA) AND INTER-HUMAN ECONOMIC TRANSACTIONS

The (book title) was expressly commissioned by the Spiritual hierarchy and my
conceptual instrument simply served the purpose of dishing out these spiritual
veracities to humanity as a whole. The message contained in The (book title) was
Divine-coded message that was decoded into my instrument for transmission to
humanity. The spiritul hierachy itself that commissioned this volume is
meticulously supervising all transactional elements pertaining to the product.

*I don't even want to know what instrument he's referring to.*

The Hierarchy have urged me to thank you a million fold for publishing The (Book
title) and that by opting to do so, you will abound in various forms of
blessings to your greatest delight.

*Who is the Hierarchy? The Bush Administration? The Queen of England? I need more enlightenment.*

Nonetheless, the Hierarchy has also instructed me to urge you to treat me with
the highest and strickest degree of justice and fairness as layed down in our
mutually-consented contract. That not treating me with due justice can generate
very severe karmic physical and spiritual repercussions for you, that will be
very undesirable indeed. This implies paying me the correct proportion and
correct amounts of loyalties. I love you very much and that is why I have taken
the time to humbly advice you of the potential consequences that can arise by
not treating me justly.

*Translation: we either give him money, or we're all going to shrivel up, become sick and fucking die!*

The law of karma fundamentally entails that every deed performed by us, whether
good or bad, will generate the corresponding positive or negative consequent or
consequences that will inevitably and ultimately come back and be borne by the
performer of that deed, to the fullest magnitude.

Given below are two different practical scenarios where karma has manifested:

Scenarion 1: Positive Karma

There was a homeless man who always helped me push my shopping trolley when ever
I went to the supermarket in the UK. Indeed, after three months of his
association with me in this way, a certain charity offered him accommodation, he
was then subjected to training and got a job. He joyfully got married and he is
now a father of one. He has his own car and his own mortgage. He loves me very
much and I am extremely happy for him and the beautiful blessings he had.

*It's scenario, asshole.*

Scnarion 2: Negative Karma

I worked somewhere where the department head sometimes treated me unreasonably
and unjustly despite my acute humility and good-nature at all times.
Nonetheless, at a certain time, a chain of events occured whereby this
department head was dismissed from her job. I later heard that she suffers from
cancer, that she is divorced with her husband and at this present juncture, the
individual is in chronic misery of sickness and other troubles. I love this
person and feel much sympathy for their situation, but she has but herself to
blame for her current state of affairs.

*At least keep your misspellings straight!*

So here are the responses I would like to send him:

1. Dear Author,
We no longer accept e-mail from crazy motherfuckers like you.

Sincerely,
(name withheld)

2. Dear Author,
I redirect you to your own philosophy on this issue: your bad book is to blame for your bad sales karma.
Sincerely,
(Name withheld)

3. Dear Author,
How are you technically savvy enough to be able to use e-mail, but be a completely incoherent fuckhead in every other aspect of your life?

Just curious,
Name Withheld

4. Dear Author,
Because you are in Britain and originally of non-Caucasian descent, we have forwarded your e-mail to the Department of Homeland Security, which will now put you on the no-fly list and probably get Scotland Yard to bug your home.

Cheers,
Name Withheld