Saturday, March 17, 2007

Interview questions we could all live without

Unless something blows up between now and Monday, I will start a new job that looks to be that elusive of all jobs: 1) fun and 2) working for a nice person.

That said, with few exceptions (including the interview with my boss-to-be), I have *hated* interviewing these past months.

Why?

Mostly because of the dumbfucks who ask such dumb fucking questions! It's almost predictable after a couple of interviews - you learn to anticipate the same worthless questions for which there are really no good (or honest) answers.

Like these:

"What would your former bosses say about you?" How to answer without sounding 1) full of myself, if I believe I have done well for former employers, or 2) like a shithead by saying I don't know? How about, "They all say I gave great head, but I suppose you'd have to decide for yourself."

"What would they say are your strengths, or what would they say you need to improve?"
Hmm. Aside from snorting cocaine on my breaks and swearing at clients and setting the office on fire, what's not to love?

"Have you ever had a conflict with a co-worker?" Well, who hasn't? Haven't we all worked with at least one asshole? But there isn't a good way to answer this, either. If you say no, they'll know you're lying. If you say yes, they ask why, which leads into my next question:

"If so, how did you handle it?" I kneed him in the balls. I signed him up for the nastiest foot-fetish porn I could find. Seriously, by looking for another job. That's why I'm sitting here in a monkey suit with you, tootsie.

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" Away from idiots like you.

"How long do you plan to stay if we hire you?" This is probably the most ridiculous one yet. That depends on a number of unknowns: how well you pay me, if the boss is an asshole, if the boss tries to grab my ass, if the boss is a sexist shithead...you get the point.

"Is there anything that would conflict with your ability to do this job?" Only if more than one of the above happened. But sometimes this is code for, "Do you mind being worked to death?" Yes, I do, until I take that new job as a porn star.

2 comments:

leftcoast said...

Last quarter I sat in as one of the interviewers on a panel at mock interviews at school. We were given a list of questions which were taken more or less from your list here and which made me crazy. I desperately wanted to randomly ask things like, "What's your favorite planet and why?" or "Do you fold or crumple your toilet paper before using it?" but the other two people on the panel were taking these weird questions so seriously that they even intimidated me.

Some hints for future interviewees:

For the love of all things holy, cut down on the perfume! When I can smell it before you enter the room, this does not bode well for my sinuses.

When you're asked the question about your faults, don't say that you don't have any--no one is going to want to be in the same room as an asshole who thinks he's perfect, much less work with one.

I know the questions are stupid (you only had to answer them once, we had to suffer through the banal answers ten times from ten different people) but at least try to make a pretense of answering them. When asked about the conflicts with co-workers, for instance, don't immediately segue into a boring and pointless story about how hard you worked at Home Depot. Be creative--segue into a pointless story on why you prefer folding or crumpling--and be prepared to defend your answer!

Darth Weasel said...

"Aside from snorting cocaine on my breaks and swearing at clients and setting the office on fire, what's not to love?"

What is not lovable about those things?

As for the porn thing...do we all get copies?