Sunday, March 11, 2007

10 expressions I could live without

And so could you.

What I want to know is, who the fuck came up with them? And who repeated them, and how did they become popular?

I'll steal a bit from Eddie Izzard and expand on it.

I'm talking about common expressions or old sayings that should never have been uttered in the first place!

Think about it:

"S/he doesn't suffer fools gladly." Well, who does? Do you know anyone who intentionally hangs out with idiots? (Well, a certain former employer comes to mind...but I think they were sleeping together.)

"The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." What kind of plans to mice make? And what makes them well-laid plans? Can anyone answer this one? Hmm? And so, are the best laid plans of women and cats the ones that never go wrong?

"A penny saved is a penny earned." Um, actually, a penny saved is a fucking penny saved. Unless you went fishing in a fountain and stole it, or found it on the sidewalk, it was already earned, wasn't it?

"Haste makes waste." How, pray tell? I'd say owning a house the size of Al Gore's, and heating and lighting the whole thing, makes a hell of a lot of waste. But haste? Usually, it just makes...well...nothing. (By the way, my great-grandmother, God love her, used this expression all the time...it wasn't until I was out of college that I found out the second part of this expression, which she reserved for few people: "It takes money to buy good whisky." Go, great-grandma!)

"All things come to those who wait." This is such bullshit. The only things that come to those who wait are...well...actually, I can't think of anything coming to someone who waits.

"Never say never." Oh fuck off, I'll say it as much as I want! Besides, some things will NEVER happen...me deciding to go skydiving, or having lunch with a former co-worker who was about as nice as nails in your back.

"That's the way the cookie crumbles." Or, alternately, "That's the way the ball bounces." What dumbfuck came up with these? How exactly does the cookie crumble? Is there more than one way to crumble? More than one way to bounce? Enlighten me.

"It's like apples and oranges." Meaning two things are completely dissimilar. Um, hello? Those are both fruits! How about, "It's like apples and doornails," or something like that?

"Think of it as a learning experience." Translation: You just learned that you got screwed. Try not to do the same thing again to avoid having the same result.

"It's like the pot calling the kettle black." So, was this originated when it was okay to make racial slurs, or what? And in the context of crockery that speaks? What the hell?!

"You're pulling my leg." How this came to mean, "You must be kidding me," is a mystery to me. Joke = tugging on body parts? That seems a little weird even for the 1950s. Is there some hidden sexual meaning behind it? No, I think that would be, "You're pulling my dick."

Let's make haste and remove these dumb, senseless maxims from the English language. That would be a well-laid plan.

2 comments:

Leslie said...

"The best-laid plans of women and cats never go wrong."
Hmm.
I like it.

Darth Weasel said...

"Think of it as a learning experience." Translation: You just learned that you got screwed. Try not to do the same thing again to avoid having the same result.


Also, "Yes, I am directly responsible for one of the 5 worst experiences of your life. This all could have been avoided if I had any human decency within me. So prove you are the better person and never again bring up what I did to you."

As for the pot calling the kettle anything...when did pot learn to speak? Except for saying stuff like "dude" and "sweet", that is...