Friday, August 19, 2016

Of warrants, sex toys, and peeing

If you haven't figured it out from the subject line: I went on an online dating website. I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone and meet new people, because even though I meet a lot of people through work, I don't want to shit where I eat.

WENT. As in, past tense. As in...oh holy fuck, I have to get this out of my system and share it with you people.

First off, sorry for the long absence. Just when I think I am turning the corner from depression this year, I am right back where I started. I really appreciate the support from my friends in blogland who have been checking in on me, especially as I get ready to go over the hill next week. (More on that later.)

So, I was married for 11 years, and needless to say I'm out of practice at dating. I missed the whole online thing and the smart phone revolution (read: naked pictures) happened while I was married.

I get that in dating as in life, you have to meet a lot of idiots and creeps before you meet people you like. It's a fucking tall order, trying to find someone who 1. isn't a creep, 2. isn't an idiot, 3. DOESN'T OFFER TO SEND YOU NAKED PICTURES OR ASK YOU IF YOU'D BE UP FOR GIVING HIM A BLOW JOB WHILE YOU PEE.

Um. WAT. You say? It's true. I had that come up as a "theoretical" question.
Some of my favorite doozies:

1. A message from someone who looked at my online profile. "I have no wants or warrants out for my arrest." Oh really? Glad we got that out of the way...

2. Sexting etiquette. Two people messaged me offering naked pictures "on request," because "I'm a gentleman" and wouldn't send them unsolicited. Oh. My. GOD. How about never? Does never work for you?

3. People who wax poetic about things like architecture and books in their online profiles, and then message you with questions like, "Are you into anal? How about beads?" Not making this up.

4. 25-year-old idiots who ignore the age filters. I am turning 40 next week! I am old enough to be your mama!! Not only that, you're probably living in your parents' basement, don't have a car, and won't be any good in bed, because you're 25. End. Of. Story.

A tip for the uninitiated: women don't ever have to go online for sex. If we ever get truly desperate, there is always an ex or a friend waiting in the wings. And we know better than that anyway. Most of us have invested in products with batteries.

So there you go. Stay tuned for part 2...because there are more horror stories to make you laugh.

Hope all is well in your worlds.

25 comments:

Debra She Who Seeks said...

First of all, congrats on the Big Four Oh next week -- the best is yet to come! And I mean that!

Second of all, the dating scene, ugh. It's like taking on a second job to do all the work that entails, I don't envy you. But I hope you find the diamond in the dross that will make it all worthwhile!

Abby said...

Yes, I really did say "WAT?" Then I had to go read that sentence again.
Sounds like it truly is a jungle "out there". Maybe hit Costco for a huge pack of batteries?
Still, nice to hear from you. And I hope you get around that corner.

A Beer For The Shower said...

Ha! I love that this is big enough that there's a second part. And you were doing this for what, a matter of weeks?

So the blow job while you pee... is that like the female equivalent of the blumpkin?

Also, in this economy, I know 30-somethings still living in their parents' basement, so don't be too hard on the wee 25 year old pup. He probably just got excited at the thought that someone might rescue him and give him a good home.

Elephant's Child said...

I am not certain whether I am laughing or cringing. Both. Definitely both.

Riot Kitty said...

I must ask, although I will surely live to regret it: what is a blumpkin? And this was a total of maybe 5 days, as I kept taking the profile down whilst freaking out.

LL Cool Joe said...

A 25 year old offering me blow jobs? Hmmmm, what dating site are you using?

Lee said...

I think it might be advisable to give online dating sites a miss...give them a wide berth.

Take some time out to smell the roses...alone. Take some time out for you....just for you. Take time to catch your breath...inhale...exhale. Take time to be you. You might surprise yourself and discover you're the best company you can have. Give yourself time to spend time with you.

The rest will fall into place....one step at a time.

Forget online dating sites....there are enough liars in the real world...there are more in the cyber world.

Granny Annie said...

Yikes! Obviously I haven't been keeping up with you. Thanks for ending my curiosity about online dating sights.

agg79 said...

Wow. And I thought I had heard some really twisted shit in my day. That's the scary part of the net - there are a lot of sick, warped people out there. You're better off locking all the doors and windows and picking up that case of batteries. And, whatever you do, DON'T look up blumpkin.

Happy Birthday

Lynn said...

40 is a good age to be! And I never had good experiences with online dating. I mostly ran into men who want you to be "tiny and petite" or want to make sure you are equipped to take care of them. :)

Cheryl said...

Holy shit! What is wrong with the world??? While I think 40 sounds very young, I would hope that at some point you meet a mature adult. (AKA - NOT like any of those you described)

I have been out of the dating pool much, MUCH longer than you and I had no idea that it was that bizarre out there.

RK, you really don't want to know what blumpkin means but judging from the online courting rituals you are going to find out soon. I am thinking that romance is dead on the Internet.

Lee said...

P.S. 40 is a great age. And I loved my 40s....it was a wonderful decade! If I was given a choice what age I'd like to be...to return to....I'd say without hesitation 40-45!

lgsquirrel said...

There's got to be a better way than on line dating. There's just gotta! How about Pokemon Go? Get's you out there meeting strange people but better than the ones you have been meeting on line.

Blue Grumpster said...

I was good in bed when I was 25. Now I'm 46 and need some spare batteries, TMI? Oh I thought we were chatting the modern way. See, I still need to learn so much. What a smart phone anyway? ;)

Good to have you back.

wigsf3 said...

You're making my online escapades seem very tame and boring by comparison.

G. B. Miller said...

Seriously? 40? In all honesty, I assumed (in a good way, mind you), that you were seriously south of 40. Just keep in mind that 40 is the new 27.

As for the slightly kinky requests, keep in mind that there could be some potential hidden video lurking behind that request.

Father Nature's Corner

Charles Gramlich said...

A firm "Egads" hardly seems strong enough. Nevertheless, I am at a loss for other words.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Happy Birthday, Riot Kitty! Virgos rule!

Weekend-Windup said...

It's nice to spend time in online to know different stuffs.

Claire said...

I don't get the naked pics thing at ALL. Who are these mythological women who actually like them? Looking forward to part two!

Betty Manousos said...

i think that 40 really is the new 20...i've never felt better since turning 40.
on on line dating: lee said it all! and i've never tried on line dating. it's just always felt strange for me. and it's so much easier to lie or manipulate the truth on the internet than it is in real life.

have a great labor day!xoxo

Betty Manousos said...

hoping you are okay out there, rk. think of you often and send you good wishes.

CraveCute said...

Hi RK, hope you are feeling better and enjoying these last few days of summer. Maybe you have found a fun someone to share time with? Can't imagine what dating must be like now days... however, you can tell alot about people by what they post online, so that might be helpful! I know several people who are on their second marriages and they found a much more compatible person the second time around... so there you go! Take care sweetie! ~ Diane

Blue Grumpster said...

Here goes the human race. I'm surprised we're not extinct... yet.

Senorita said...

I believe every single one of your dating stories, no matter how unbelievable it may seem because there is so much fucked up shit out in the dating world, and I have a war chest of horror stories of my own.

I am also sorry to read about your depression. I understand, it is like a fog that strikes at any unexpected moment.