Riot Kitty

I speak for the cheese!*

2012-01-23T21:24:00.000-08:00

I don't like labels - e.g. liberal or conservative - I prefer to think of myself as independent.

One place where I totally will not, cannot budge from, ideologically, is the idea that people should take personal responsibility.

So it irritates the shit out of me when groups do stuff like this.

In sum, a group called Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine (PCRM) has put up some nasty billboards of fat people with the message, "This is your thighs on cheese," etc.

I like cheese. If I eat too much of it and stop exercising and get fat, whose fault would that be? Mine. Not the fault of feta, cheddar, mozzarrella or monterey jack.

And at this point I don't think my thighs are any worse for the Wensleydale.*

And why cheese, I ask you? Why not hamburgers, french fries, chocolate, or any number of fattening things?

Mr. RK said, "If they really wanted to be realistic, they'd put up a picture of an empty wallet and say, 'This is your wallet on healthcare.'"

I speak for the cheese! It's an option for protein that many of us vegetarians happen to enjoy. And I can safely say that cheese enchiladas are a supremely effective comfort food, being much more enjoyable than sex with my ex, for instance.

There is fat-free cheese, vegan cheese, probably even salt- and taste-free cheese. PCRM can shove these ads up their pompous asses for all I care.

*Big bonus points for you if you catch that reference!
*Bigger points if you get that one! Get both and you will be initiated into the brotherhood.

Things I like Thursday

2012-01-19T00:16:00.000-08:00

Taking my lead from the lovely Claire, here is my semi-regular edition of Things I like Thursday.

You may have noticed that I like cats - particularly lolcats. I also like using the incredibly nifty lolcatbuilder. I sent this as a birthday card for my little brother earlier this week. He is also a cat person.

Looking through pictures, I also found this Christmas lolcat, featuring Earl Grey.

Of course, sometimes you don't even need to use the lolbuilder to get a good laugh - it's just provided for you (or, more specifically, found in a store by Mr. RK's best friend, who is apparently as easily amused as I am.)

But seriously

2012-01-16T18:02:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. today, and this quote from his "I Have a Dream" speech that I saw on Lynn's blog just grabbed me:

You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love...

Wouldn't it be great if we all had that?

A friend of mine is getting married. Her future in-laws are a bit hoity toity and we all said, "Hey, at least you're not getting married at the country club!" One of her friends, who is African-American, joked that she wouldn't be able to get in...and another friend joked that with my Jewish and Apache roots, I wouldn't, either.

But imagine if that was your reality? Less than fifty years ago, it would have been my reality.

Racial segregation may be over in the U.S., but sexism and homophobia are the sad reality in many parts of our country and the world.

What are you doing to help change that?

Thoughtless Thursday

2012-01-12T17:36:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not starting a new meme - just thought it was a fitting headline for this real ad campaign in Tokyo:

That said, I may or may not have had fun at the mall* with stickers from my new favorite book:

What can I say? I'm easily amused.
*Pleading the Fifth. Also, I was with my friend's two teenagers, which might have had something to do with it.

Writing about the bleeding obvious

2012-01-08T17:45:00.000-08:00

I went to the bookstore today with my friend and her two teenage sons (that was an adventure and a half.) Among the books we saw: a children's book called - and I am not making this up - "What's In Your Diaper?"

Seriously? Do we really need to write about the bleeding obvious? Is the target market for the folks who did not show their kids the book "Everybody Poops"?

If so, Mr. RK and I came up with some alternate ideas:

"Where Does Penis Go?" (A picture book - "Penis went here.")

"Who is the office jerk?"

"What did that bird do to my car?"

"What's in your litter box?"

"What happens when the condom breaks?"

"My claws, your face: ways that pets say, 'No!'"

"There's Waldo."

"Boobs are not an etch-a-sketch: a sexual primer." Mr. RK suggested this, but from what I hear, that may not be totally obvious to most of the heterosexual male population.

So how about it? What would your suggestions be?

Ouch

2012-01-04T20:27:00.000-08:00

One of my friends is likely getting a divorce.

I have plenty of divorced friends and know plenty of divorced people, but this is the first friend who I knew prior to his marriage who is now separated. I'm just not sure how to react, because based on what I know, his wife is totally fucking with him emotionally.

I have not been a big fan of hers for some time. And based on her behavior I suspect there is another guy. I have not told him this. He's in enough pain as it is.

It's very tempting for me to say, "To hell with her!" But it's probably better for me to be more nurturing, so I have told him I'm here if he needs me (we've exchanged probably 100 texts in the past few days) and I am sending him chocolate (he loves chocolate.)

For those of you who have been through a bad breakup or a divorce, what did friends do that helped you?

Ending with a laugh

2011-12-31T19:16:00.000-08:00

A lot of really crap things happened in 2011, both in our lives and in the lives of friends. So I'm hoping for a better 2012. Never have I looked forward to a new calendar year so much!

However, that's not to say that there haven't been fun times and funny times. I spent probably an hour laughing my ass off with my friend's teenage boys over this book this afternoon. And we may or may not have used one of the stickers to temporarily vandalize a sign at the mall.

I will wrap this up with a memory inspired by Granny Annie, who asked in a post awhile back about our favorite holiday memory.

I don't think I've ever written about my late godfather Irwin. He was one of the strangest and most loveable people I've ever met. One of the qualities I prized was his sense of humor and ability to laugh at himself. He closely resembled Boris from the Rocky & Bullwinkle Show. No joke!

One year we all headed to San Antonio for Thanksgiving, and during dinner he gave this impassioned speech about the valor of the soldiers at the Alamo. His crescendo (picture this in a thick Bronx accent): "And that was the cry...Remember the Alimony!" He said this by mistake, of course, and all of us just stared. Then we all roared. It was a family joke for years.

I hope 2012 is a great year for all of you, and that you laugh long and frequently, like no one's watching.

Then something went BOOM!

2011-12-27T21:44:00.000-08:00

Do you remember that line in The Cat in the Hat, "Then something went BOOM!" ?

That about sums up my morning.

Never again will I take a week off and then return as the lone employee in the office.

I get in - early! - no one there to see it. This, after a week and a half prior to vacation where there was a fucking car accident or stall every single day on the way in or the way home.

We have 10 voicemail messages. About half of them are from someone who my boss says "has issues," but who is sane enough to hang up on us if we answer the phone, and leave profane, abusive messages to no one in particular over voicemail.

Another message from someone who called yesterday (a holiday) yet claimed she called and left a message "four or five days ago." (You forget, madam, that we are in the digital age.)

A few minutes into this, and in the space of about 30 seconds, my volunteer calls saying 1) she won't be in, 2) something about her cat attacking her, 3) something about how her doctor is an asshole, 4) she will be in, 5) something involving the word "urinary." TMI, folks, TMI!!

Then the lights go out.

Then my friend texts saying his wife left him.

Then my boss walks in to do payroll and he's all kinds of tired and grumpy, coming in during his vacation.

And the day just went downhill from there.

I had more calls today than I typically have in a week.

A couple of samples:

"I have (a certain type of) illness, and you work at a place that helps people with (this type of) illness, and I'm starting a national web site. So you should send out some press releases for me."

"I'm in a graduate program studying (topic.) So I want to come in and watch a group session of (topic.)" I explain that we are not a service provider. I explain what it is that we do.
"So you don't have groups on this topic? So what is it that you do?"

And mind you, I'm running on four or five crappy hours of sleep, since I stayed up late during vacation.

Oh, while I'm venting - I am sick of seeing stories about Newt Gingrich being an insensitive, egotistical prick. That's news?

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-24T23:33:00.000-08:00

This song cracked me up when I was little because my brother's name is Nik. Also, because it was done by Muppets.

Merry Christmas!

Ants in your pants? How about caffeine?

2011-12-21T20:38:00.000-08:00

You know that we have become the laziest, dumbest society ever when something like this is invented.

Mr. RK first told me about caffeinated pants last night. Yes, you read that right: caffeine in your pants, claims at least one company, will make you lose weight. Forget about eating healthier, eating less, and exercising; you can supposedly get slimmer by the equivalent of wearing a cup of coffee on your bottom. And sadly, this means market research preceding the production of said pants means that statistically, there are a hell of a lot of dumb people out there.

"Even if my head is asleep, my ass is awake!" said Mr. RK. Because the caffeinated pants are exercise pants, so the coffee is on your ass.

And legs. And crotch region. Come to think of it, there could be people that would purchase this product for perverted reasons. So if you'll excuse me...

Copycat

2011-12-18T11:48:00.000-08:00

I'm stealing a Christmas meme from WIGSF. The lovely Claire also posted one, but this one is shorter and there are more opportunities for snark...

What do you really want for Christmas but you know nobody will get it for you?
World peace
What do you not want for Christmas but you know that somebody will get it for you?
A religious card
When do you open your gifts (Christmas Eve or Christmas morning)?
both
Do you prefer gifts wrapped or in gift bags?
I don't like wrapping paper - it seems environmentally unfriendly. However, Mr. RK usually does all kinds of obnoxious things when wrapping presents, presumably to ensure that the recipient doesn't open it easily. In past years, his family tells me this has included glue, sewing, etc.
Did you re-gift anything this year?
No. When I re-gift, I say it's a re-gift and it's an extra.
What’s your favourite Christmas movie
A Charlie Brown Christmas
What’s your favourite Christmas TV special?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Do you like eggnog?
In a word: yuck. (That means no.)
Real tree or fake tree, which do you prefer?
Neither, because my cats like to eat them both. Ask me about one year's 24-hour-emergency vet bill when the Fluffy White Fuck was alive.
Would you actually use one of those fireplace DVDs if you don’t have a fireplace?
What is a fireplace DVD? Inquiring minds want to know!
Are you sick of Christmas music yet?
See earlier post. In two words: fuck yes! I was sick of it before it started. Why? Same 12 songs every year, and most of them are annoying.
Are you getting up early to wait in line to do some Boxing Day shopping (Canada’s equivalent to Black Friday)
No, because I don't live in Canada. Also I hate shopping.
When was the last time you sat on Santa’s lap?
I have actually never sat on Santa's lap. My parents told us growing up that Santa was not real*, so why would I want to sit on the lap of some stranger in a funny red suit? We were, of course, sworn to secrecy, but guess who went to school and told all of her kindergarten friends that Santa was a fake?

*Ditto for the Easter Bunny. But I was allowed to believe in the tooth fairy until the fourth grade! Go figure.

Does my car make me a jerk?

2011-12-14T20:30:00.000-08:00

I've always had small cars, even though I've always wanted a muscle car.

Some funny stuff has happened since I got the Mustang:

1. Far fewer people are rude to me in traffic.

2. A few people now seem to go out of their way to be rude in traffic...presumably because of the Red Menace. Like tonight, this idiot in a Toyota actually sped up to prevent me from merging. I had nowhere to go. Had I been in the Saturn, I'd have had to slam on the brakes and panic, but - hahaha - who was he kidding? He was not going to beat me. As Mr. RK put it, "Vroom vroom and fuck you ;)"

3. I feel like I have to make it clear that I got a good deal on the car, because I'm kind of embarrassed to have a car that makes people say, "Wow! Nice car!" So even though technically it cost the same as a Toyota Corolla, I wonder: Does my car make me a jerk?

Awhile back, WIGSF wrote a blog and mentioned that what people drive can make statements about them (yes, if you drive an SUV big enough to house a small nation, you are probably a prick.) So I wonder, what does the car say - or seem to say - about me?

A. I like fast cars (true.)
B. I have penis envy (not true.)
C. I am flashy (not true, but one of my friends made a joke about it since it's a red car.)

FYI, one of the lunch ladies at my high school cafeteria, who was probably in her late 60s at the time, had a 5.0 Mustang. How's that for defying stereotypes?

I've just changed the car, not me. But it's interesting to see how that one small change can stir things up. And if you'll pardon me, now I'm going to go envy some penis.

More Muppets!

2011-12-13T21:18:00.000-08:00

My brother sent me "The Muppets Family Christmas" - I had never seen it in its entirety, and it is pure awesome! Well worth watching, if you enjoy laughing.

Here is a little preview.

No hipsters here!

2011-12-10T23:28:00.001-08:00

Mr. RK read a story that said my alma mater, New York University, was ranked the #1 college for producing hipsters. That's only slightly better than, say, the #1 college for producing neocons...

So today, I defied the stereotype. How? I bought a bright red muscle car.

Seriously, I had my other car for 8 1/2 years and wasn't in a hurry to get another one. But I have wanted a Mustang since high school and finally aged out of the expensive insurance bracket. I was thinking about getting one in a few months and then this week a good friend's car blew up. She had no means to get another one, and I had taken very good care of my car, so I gave it to her and got this little beauty.

Mr. RK spent a couple of hours shopping around online and negotiating prices. We got a great deal - believe it or not, it was about the same price as a Toyota commuter car. Apparently they only run into the big bucks when Mr. Empty Pants types come in and want to supe them up.

It was pretty funny seeing the slight surprise when the guys (there were no women) at the dealership found out it was for me...not quite so funny when I couldn't figure out how to get it into reverse, because reverse is IN THE FRONT and you have to push down first. I nearly hit my friend's apartment building!

(Seriously, reverse in the front? Isn't that like having a penis on your backside? Anywho...)

It's gray and freezing here, so I like to think driving this down the street is contributing to the general holiday cheer.

I was going to put my NYU license plate frame on, but the dealership we bought the car from is called Dick's. So just because I'm immature, I think I'll leave that on for awhile.

Lastly, the plate ends in the letters "FJW." My first thought was, "Who is JW?"

Dead or in prison? You can still give us money...

2011-12-07T16:31:00.001-08:00

One of the things I hate most about being under the umbrella of a national organization is that the national organization often fucks things up.

Until very recently, it was impossible for us to get a current membership list, so we used old lists and purged them as necessary.

Somehow, that didn't stop us from sending a fundraising letter to two people who have been dead for years, and someone who is a member, but currently in prison.

So next year, when we do this again, I should start with a disclaimer: "We apologize if you have received this letter in error. If you are deceased or incarcerated, please feel free to return it."

Animals vs. humans

2011-12-03T15:12:00.001-08:00

Granny Annie lost one of her animals recently, and wrote a really thought-provoking post about her relationships to her pets. When her neighbor, whose dog killed the animal, offered to financially compensate her, she found herself wondering how to explain the loss to someone who really did not understand.

Had I not met Mr. RK, there is a real possibility that I would have turned into crazy cat lady. And I would have been just fine with that! I love family and friends, but I love my cats more than most people.

Animals don't disappoint me like humans do - and our furry little guys are just wonderful.
(They seem to know when we need them most: for a week after Mr. RK's mom died last summer, they both slept right by his pillow.)

Pets don't lie to you. They are always happy to see you. They will let you know what they want or need without playing games. If they're irritated at each other, they'll wap each other and wrestle until they get it out of their systems (try doing that at work!) And they are super loyal.

They won't secretly be irritated at you if you get them the wrong kind of birthday present, or fail to return their call as soon as they would like you to.

Me - I am direct. But not everyone wants to be direct, or wants other people to be direct. I've run into problems with family and family-in-law when people talk behind each others' backs instead of being upfront. Repeatedly, I have asked, "Why don't you just tell him/her what you think?" (Or, in some cases, "Why would you have a problem if I told him/her what I think?")

And again and again, the answer is, "Oh, I can't do that because..."

I spend a lot of time wondering what humans need or want, trying to deconstruct what makes them tick, etc. Yes, part of this is my fault because I am an inquisitive person and a sociologist/social worker at heart; however, sometimes I wonder if the ability to speak a language has really tripped us up as a species. I'd rather someone just wap me with their tail if they are irriated.

How about you?

Moo and Oink

2011-11-30T22:27:00.001-08:00

It's already Thursday in the UK, home of the darling Claire, who posts "Things I like Thursday." I'm unable to stay awake for another 90 minutes until it's truly Thursday here, so I'm going on Greenwich Mean Time.

Something I like quite a lot, as you may have noticed, is laughing. I love laughing and I love making people laugh - usually I only manage to do this by self-deprecating means - but I really do think it heals and helps in trying times as well.

So if you need a laugh today, or just *want* a laugh today, watch this short commercial from the 80s. My friend K, who is from Chicago, found this for me - it's a real commercial from a real store in Chicago! Check out the bad 80s clothes and hair, and rapping with giant farm animals! (Yes, we're all nuts out here in the Northwest.)

Making presents

2011-11-26T19:02:00.001-08:00

Every year for Christmas, instead of buying presents (with the exception being the relatives under 18 - because I don't want to die yet), we make things and donate money to charities that we like.

That said, the presents are never boring.

I have painted ornaments...

Cross-stitched bookmarks...

and made custom signs.

And I've made more traditional ornaments for my more conservative relatives.

Mr. RK tried to make an ornament hanger, but it looked a bit funny:

Anyone want to come make presents with us this year? :)

PS This was, coincidentally, post #666.

Things I like Thursday - Muppets!

2011-11-24T00:31:00.001-08:00

I love the Muppets. Tonight we went to see the Muppet movie! No kids in the theater, since it was a 10 pm showing. Just a bunch of us masquerading as adults.

I was talking to the guy at the theater tonight and we agreed that The Muppet Show needed to go on the air again.

"A whole generation is missing out!" he said, and I agreed. The movie even had a pointed scene mentioning how crap kids' shows are today compared to what we got to watch.

One of the reasons I love Mr. RK is because he'll go see these kinds of movies with me. We didn't even have to bring a kid as a decoy.

I am thankful for Muppets, how about you?

Did you pick up 2,000 condoms for work yesterday?

2011-11-18T18:23:00.001-08:00

That would be a pretty fun question for a meme, wouldn't it?

Once again, my work is partnering with several other nonprofits to put together gift bags to distribute to shelters. They have toiletries, a warm item of clothing, and small gifts (like a journal or deck of cards.) And they also have - surprise! - condoms.

As if it wasn't hard enough not having a permanent place to live, homeless individuals also have among the highest rates of STDs...hence the donation of condoms from the county health department.

So even though we are all supposed to be professionals (or at least look like them), none of us have been able to stop laughing about this.

Cue to my entrance at the health department.

Health department worker: "So! We have a mix of condoms - lube, non-lube, tuxedos, and skins."
Me (looking like a deer in the headlights): "Um. I've been married forever. What are tuxedos?"
Health department worker: "Black ones."
Me: "And skins?"
Health department worker: "Those are the thin ones that aren't made of latex, because some people have allergies."

OH, baby. Can you think of a more terrible way to find out you have a latex allergy? (If you can, don't tell me.)

And lastly:

Health department worker: "By the way, they're all standard size."

What, exactly, am I supposed to do with that information? Is anyone going to go to the shelter managers and demand an exchange because they are too big or too small? I can just imagine the conversations...actually, my blog buddies at A Beer for the Shower could do a hilarious cartoon about that conversation!

I got back to work and told my boss that I never thought I'd have 2,000 condoms in my trunk for work.

His reply: "Oh, SURE, they're for work!"

Last year it was even funnier - they had my colleague's name on the boxes, which were deposited in the lobby of her building during a training. Where everyone saw them when the training was over.

What is the strangest or funniest thing you have had to do for work?

And no, the LOLcat has nothing to do with this post. I just liked it.

Thoughts on upcoming holidays

2011-11-14T15:44:00.001-08:00

Mind you, I like Christmas. Unlike some of the nuts in this country, I do not think it is endangered.

But I do not understand why not one, but two, of my local radio stations have decided to start playing nothing but Christmas music before Thanksgiving and through the duration of 2011.

I mean, there are only so many times you can hear "Jingle Bells" or "Feliz Navidad" without wanting to bump yourself off, right? Or is it just me?

It must not just be me because another local station has started running in-house ads that say, "We think holiday music should be played when the holidays arrive. Not before."

I have to say, however, that each year the thing I truly relish the most about the holidays - second to the mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, biscuits and pumpkin pie - is the fact that, being an adult (biologically, if not intellectually), I get to decide who I spend the holidays with.

Didn't you hate that as a kid? There was always some relative who was cranky, or someone who toldyou that you had to wait to eat dessert until long past the time you were dying to go home.

Not in my house! We invite whoever we want, don't invite the people we dislike, and eat dessert whenever we damn well please.

That usually makes for happy holidays.

Pardon our (dis)appearance

2011-11-09T22:42:00.000-08:00

It's been a hectic week with visitors, preparing for an event for work this weekend, etc.

But in the meantime, does this remind you of anyone you know? (Hint: he is going to be 16 in January, and then life will end as we know it.)

My dad went up to visit my grandfather, who is 86 now, and lives about five hours north of us. He is declining, which is hard for my dad to see. But in some ways, he's still got it.

At the assisted living facility where he has an apartment, they have a communal lunch and dinner. My grandfather wears his Notre Dame hat everywhere he goes (he went to school there.) One day at dinner, another resident said, "My mom told us as boys that we shouldn't wear caps at the table."

My grandfather replied, "Well, we're not in your mom's house, are we?"

The apple doesn't fall that far from the grandapple tree.

Probably a dumb question, but why is my noodle boot so shrivelled?

2011-11-05T10:44:00.000-07:00

That sounds perverted, but according to Mr. RK, it isn't.

A noodle boot is, I am assured by him, the technical term for part of a bicycle's braking system.

I am obviously just a pervert. Really, I thought to myself this morning, I should be here writing about the Occupy protests or something socially important. Then I thought, "Nah, innuendo is always good."

Is it just me? Yesterday during a training about social services, the trainer (who is also my friend and also a pervert) said, "It's all about finding the right package." Believe it or not, I did not giggle.

When we started by doing introductions, we thought about using an icebreaker exercise that involves sharing your "guilty pleasure." We decided not to, since the last time my friend did a training and used that exercise, one of the participants said, "I like to go smoke lots of pot!" Great.

So I said, "How about we share our name and an innocent pleasure?"

She shot back, "Do you have any?"

Speaking of innuendo, one of the most challenging work situations I ran into happened back when I was working in PR. A client whose first language was not English hired us to redo her web site - and there was a part on the site that said how much they enjoyed servicing their customers.

Seriously.

I told my boss, "I'll let you handle that one."

Halloween 2.0

2011-11-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

Too many funny things happened yesterday not to write about them. Also because I'm feeling rather grumpy, as today was much less funny, so here is an effort to un-grump.

First of all, how awesome was it that Ghostbusters was in the theater again for one night? There was no advertising about it here, I just happened to hear about it on the radio a couple of weeks ago, search it out and get tickets. The theater was only about two-thirds full - full of die-hard 80s dorks like myself and Mr. RK. (And yes, they really are releasing Ghostbusters 3 next year!)

It was funny to watch it as an adult - I got all the innuendo this time. At least I think I did.

So if you have watched that movie even once, you'll remember the exchange about dicklessness.

And what do you think the one line was that the audience recited back to the screen last night?

"It's true. This man has no dick."

Then we all roared.

Meanwhile, across town, Mr. RK's co-worker answered the door and a man dressed as a zombie just stood there, looking stoned. Finally he recognized the zombie as a former co-worker and said (in front of other parents and kids waiting for trick-or-treating), "Hey man! Come in and have a beer!"

Quickly the word spread. "They're giving away beer?"

Happy All Saints Day.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T13:52:00.001-07:00

Happy birthday

2011-10-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

17 years ago tonight, I went to a surprise 30th birthday for my cousin John in New York City. I've written about him here before.

I've been pondering writing a post with a letter to my 16-year-old self - I was 18 when I met John and 28 when he died.

Do you ever wish you could write someone who has left this world, now that you're older and wiser?

Miss you, big guy.

Things I have learned from living in the Northwest

2011-10-24T22:57:00.000-07:00

This month has flown by so quickly that I forgot last month was my 10th anniversary of living in/near Portland. And next month, I will have lived in the Northwest 11 years.

This may be no big deal on the surface of things, but considering I have moved 20+ times in my life, this is quite a milestone for me.

I consider this a relatively quiet place compared to other places I have lived (New York, for instance.) But that's not to say it hasn't been interesting.

I will admit to having major culture shock when I first arrived. Among other things I learned really quickly:

1. Wildlife is not only in the zoo. My first constituent newsletter from my state reps had an article about "what to do if you see a wild cougar." (The cat kind, not the Real Housewives kind.)

2. Things that have cult followings like nothing I had ever seen before: college football (I just about peed my pants laughing at Ducks vs. Beavers), fishing, and food. Foodies are everywhere! Mind you...

3. It is an utter impossibility to get a salad as an entree here. That said, there is soup everywhere, all year round. Nom! But there is a shortage of good Chinese food.

4. Sun is not just a commodity - people are visibly happy when there are "sun breaks" mid-winter. It's like everyone has an extra orgasm each.

5. Some things have funny names. A bridge can be called a trestle. A creek/run-off can be called a slough. A penis is called a ... oh wait, just kidding.

6. Driving...don't get me started.

7. There are an abundance of small towns named after other countries and global cities, but they're mispronounced. E.g. Madras ("Maadrass"), Lebanon ("Lebenen"), etc.

8. Speaking of pronunciation, nothing sounds like what it's spelled like. A few years ago, an e-mail went around the newsroom where I was working. "You know you're from the Northwest when you have no trouble pronouncing Sequim, Puyallup, Kalama..." Tip for the uninitiated: let someone else pronounce it first.

9. Cops don't always wear blue. My little brother first noticed this when my stepmom got pulled over (he was four at the time) by a sheriff (khaki green uniform) and pointed out, "He's not a real policeman, Mommy! He doesn't have a blue suit on!"

10. It will be a perfectly nice 50 degrees out, and some idiot will say, "OMG, IT'S COLD!" Don't ask what happens when it snows.

Things I like Thursday

2011-10-20T18:52:00.000-07:00

If you haven't read Claire's weekly posts, they are highly recommended!

Today, I am liking:

Homemade chili. I am still under the weather and a batch of this made me feel warm and toasty.

Paul Simon. My dad and the older of my younger brothers are going to see him in concert tonight, and I am so jealous! So I have been listening to one of his CDs all day.

Meeting friends for coffee.

This bass that Mr. RK made. Isn't he talented? Technically, he says it is "almost" finished.

Joey's post about writing a letter in retrospect to his 16-year-old self. This moved me close to tears. I'll try doing one myself when I think I'm brave enough.

This awesome Nightmare Before Christmas figure set that Mr. RK got me. I think one of the reasons we get along so well is that we're both unashamedly weird.

Having my goodies returned. (You knew I had to put in something funny, didn't you?)

Beauty products and engineers

2011-10-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

What happens when you live with someone who 1) is an engineer by profession and 2) likes to build/tweak/make things: your beauty products disappear.

That's right.

Things under my side of the sink (where I keep beauty and first aid products) keep disappearing.

Me: "What happened to the nail polish remover?"
Mr. RK: "I needed it to remove (chemical/paint/product) from (thing.)"
Me: "All of it?"
Mr. RK: "Yes."

Similar items have been transformed for his project purposes.

Skin So Soft? "I used that to grease the bearings in (some machine), because it's mostly mineral oil."

Rubbing alcohol? "I needed to mix it with (some product) to do (something.)"

Hydrogen peroxide? Cotton balls? You name it.

(TMI warning: this next is not PG, but it is not violent or graphic. But you have been warned. Click on the link, and you'll know I have sex. Oops. I blew it.)

But it really freaked me out when this went missing.

"I needed to polish a piece of plastic."

Wish I was making this up.

Things I like Thursday

2011-10-13T20:22:00.001-07:00

Claire inspired me to un-grump, so here I go - some things I like:

1. Dessert. Enough said.
2. Humor. A friend told me today that he wanted to start his own green energy company. Why a green energy company? "Because I don't want to cook, and I don't want to touch anyone!"
3. Iced soy mochas. Because.
4. My kitties. One of my dear boys is recovering from eye surgery. We might get him a pirate eye patch for Halloween. Incidentally, Papa RK said it sounded very expensive to take him to a cat opthamologist...I said, "Maybe, but I like him more than most of our relatives."
5. My brother's upcoming visit. I am going to get him a new phone for his birthday. I think this makes me cool for life.
6. Flower pictures. I took some pretty neat ones in London. See below.
7. Exchanging e-mails with my great uncle, who at age 80, just went to San Francisco and had Thai food for the first time.

What are you enjoying lately?

Cookies are better than greed

2011-10-10T21:01:00.000-07:00

So Mr. RK came up with that title - and then coincidentally found this excellent picture!

He suggested I argue my statement, so here goes.

Cookies are better than greed because...

1. They don't sleep on Hermes sheets with your bailout money.
2. They don't charge you debit card fees to access your own money.
3. They have chocolate chips. Or peanut butter.
4. There are many different kinds of cookies, but only one kind of greed. (Mr. RK came up with that one.)
5. If you are selfish with greed, other people get hurt. If you are selfish with cookies, well, NOM!
6. Greed does not have frosting.
7. Greed does not have cute, furry blue monster to spoof the political issues of the day.
8. Cookies might make your ass bigger, but greed makes your heart smaller. (Mr. RK again.)
9. Cookies are made with love. Greed is made with ... well, not love.
10. Cookies are like sex: you can enjoy them by yourself or with other people. You can only enjoy greed by yourself! (Mr. RK.)

How to lose friends and not influence people

2011-10-08T22:55:00.001-07:00

I went to an event tonight for the local county chapter of the organization I work for. So keep this in mind - if it's an event that I am in charge of, I am fearless and can work a room or talk to anyone. Any other event with more than two people, where I have to be social, absolutely terrifies me.

So I suck it up because I want to thank someone who did the centerpieces for our big dinner at work last month. He said, "Actually, my mom was the one who designed them - here she is."

I walk up and give her a big smile and introduce myself.

"Hi, I'm Riot Kitty from (Riot Kitty's organization.) I just wanted to introduce myself and thank you, because I was in charge of the dinner and the centerpieces were wonderful!"

She replied, "Well hello! Nice to meet you! But...I didn't do the centerpieces."

Turning about 12 shades of red, I turned to the volunteer who said, "Um, my mom's at the next table."

Do not pass go! Do not collect $200! Epic fail!

(Claire: I consoled myself later with an epic nom, e.g. chocolate croissant.)

Gilgamesh and Leonidas

2011-10-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

Papa RK sent an e-mail a couple of days ago, with the subject line, "I don't know how this happened!"

My little sister was supposed to get a puppy at the shelter, but she came home with two new kitties instead. (There is already a grown-up boy cat and a bird that he consistently tries to eat. Everyone except my little sister is rooting for him.)

They had already been named by their cat foster family - Gilgamesh (orange) and Leonidas (Siamese.) I asked Papa RK who came up with them.

"Some pretentious prick," he replied.

Enjoy!

The ring-tailed lemur is my spirit animal

2011-10-01T15:11:00.000-07:00

Every year, huge nonprofits send us probably half a dozen free calendars, thinking we have money to give them. (Tip for the uninitiated: I work at a nonprofit that is so grassroots we do not even have free pens. If you can afford to send me anything in the mail, you can afford to do without my donation.)

Anyhow, I am a total sucker for the animal calenders. The one we have hanging currently came from the World Wildlife Fund, which I stopped supporting when they sent me a membership renewal that read "Statement enclosed." Like they're a fucking credit card company. Right. Plus, I thought it was incredibly lame that they sued the pro wrestling outfit and made them change their name, just because they had the same initials.

Doesn't stop me from enjoying their free stuff...

Each month of the 2011 calendar features a different animal - a photo and a paragraph of info.

Last month's featured animal was the giant panda. I've decided this is the animal Mr. RK would be if he were not human: "Giant pandas are generally solitary animals...encounters are rare outside of the brief mating season, but they communicate often through vocalization and scent marking."

(OK, he doesn't do the scent marking and we do talk outside of mating season, but he's generally even more anti-social than I am, so you get the point.)

October's animal is the ring-tailed lemur: "Females within a troop are dominant, and if an argument breaks out between a male and a female, the female always wins."

That, my friends, is my spirit animal.

Happy October!

Epic fail = epic fall!

2011-09-28T23:29:00.000-07:00

I totally pitched and hit the floor in front of about 40 people at the Dallas Airport tonight! Ouch...but more embarrassing than anything. (See if I say that when I wake up looking like a raccoon tomorrow.)

The trip was great and it felt like we could have stayed several more days, but that's the right time to go home, isn't it?

We did have some excitement on the first leg of the trip, where someone got arrested when we landed (tip for the uninitiated European: if you sneak your own bottle of whisky on the plane, don't get drunk on it and then get into a scuffle with a passenger, because there will be six extremely muscular policemen waiting for you on the other side of the pond.)

Even more annoying, it was like the cast of the Real Housewives of Manchester were sitting next to and behind us on the plane. (Yes, I know that show doesn't exist. You do the math.) And even though the guy who got arrested was German, she looked at her friends and said, "Don't bring me to places where this kind of thing happens!"

I will visit your blogs very soon - just need to get home to Mr. RK and the kitties, and get over the jet lag.

In the meantime, I feel totally justified eating some of the fudge I bought in the UK while I heal up, don't you think? As Claire would say, epic nom!

Europe, where the history comes from!

2011-09-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

It's sometime after 1 am here, and I'm ready for breakfast! (Normally I don't even eat breakfast, but I've been walking my ass off here and the hotel buffet is epic nom!) Amazing considering the large dinner I had when I met the lovely Claire! She came up with "epic nom" btw. (By the way, not sure if I'm supposed to share this, but she has a slightly naughty sense of humor.) We made up all kinds of silly stories for the guy who accidentally ended up in the background. We'll call him Nigel. (My photo resizing/red-eye reducing software is not working - we're not really aliens. At least that we know of.) Wish we had more time! She is absolutely fabulous, no pun intended, and came quite a ways so we could meet up. What a lovely person! You just don't meet many people like that, who are lovely and don't mind if you say "fuck." We managed to cover politics, religion, and even a tad of sex and never stopped smiling!

By the way, we got poured on - my hair may be flat but not usually THAT flat.

I also saw my darling friend Chella, and we swore we'd meet up for longer than the typical one- or two-day visits we've been having since she moved to England 12 years ago. Hope to see her in NY in the spring!

So much history here - we went to the Templar Church today, built around 1200. The oldest stuff at home is probably something Mr. RK will have forgotten to take out of the fridge ;0 Well, you get the point.

One more day (can't believe it's gone so fast!) and then flying back home, which takes about a day altogether. I will definitely miss walking by places like this...

But I really miss Mr. RK and the kitties. I've told him he has to come back here with me at least for a couple of days when we take another trip. (He normally doesn't want to travel places more than once.)

PS My head is full of Eddie Izzard. You did catch that title reference, didn't you?

I see London...

2011-09-23T23:35:00.001-07:00

Well, I'll just say it - YAY! Coming through Chicago was actually pretty smooth. I managed to stay up longer than I ever have in my life - about 36 hours - but our bags were waiting for us at the airport (even though they went to Dallas by mistake, some nice person rushed them on - thank you), I had the best iced mocha I'd ever had in my life at Heathrow, no traffic into London, great hotel, and nice night.

We're staying in Kensington near the V&A Museum, which I love.

We had dinner at an old standby that we found years ago because it was near the hotel where we were staying in Covent Garden. Then we went to see an Agatha Christie play that I've seen and read and still managed for forget who the killer was.

And best of all, I found my friend K's request for "the tackiest present I could find" right away, in the first shop I stopped in.

They're salt and pepper shakers and say "I Love London." The salt and pepper holes are in the heads! My friend said, "It could only be better if they were doing it!"

I told her that Mr. RK could probably arrange something like that with Fimo clay...

PS I just saw as I published the post that the netbook is still on US West Coast time. It's actually 7:45 am here Saturday.

Planes, trains, and automobiles

2011-09-22T11:55:00.000-07:00

Thus far, we have sat on planes but not actually gone anywhere - it's been much more about automobiles.

After re-routing (our bags left for Heathrow without us) a few times, we are now supposedly on the way to Heathrow via Chicago. If and when I do find my bag, I'm going to sing, "Reunited and it feels so good!"

But it was nice to have a bonus night with my family. My 15-year-old brother and 11-year-old sister are still somehow convinced I am cool. I will keep plying them with Starbucks and Hello Kitty respectively to keep that status as long as I can...

So wish me luck! Bon (hopefully) voyage to us!

PS I hate to admit it, but I am getting addicted to the netbook. So I hope not to drop or otherwise break it. And...only in Silicon Valley...there is not only a station for laptop charging, but also a wheel-chair accessible one! I hail from the land of equal-opportunity geeks.

London calling!

2011-09-18T23:09:00.000-07:00

I will won't be in blogland much over the next couple of weeks, as my Pop and I go to London. Hoping to meet up with the lovely Claire, as well as my best friend from college.

Mr. RK insists that I take the netbook with me, so cross your fingers that I don't break it or drop it or lose it, and I will blog from afar.

TTFN!

Things I like Thursday

2011-09-15T20:48:00.000-07:00

Swiped this from Claire.

Number one thing I like today: the event is over, YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!

Number two thing - and I like this every day - laughter. As you know if you've read even one post, I love to laugh, and to make other people laugh.

As you may also know, I work with two relatively non-communicative guys who (I think) are pretty straight-laced. (Who knows. They may be wild men on the weekends, but if they are, I don't want to know.)

So imagine how hard it was not to laugh last night when I walked up to them - they were figuring out the a/v - and heard my boss say to my co-worker, "I just wish I had a couple more inches."

Yeah, he meant inches of room for the screen, but...

WTF Wednesday (almost)

2011-09-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

So there are three more hours in my time zone before Wednesday hits, but close enough. I stole this meme from Red (who, oddly enough, is actually a brunette now.)

I have plenty of WTFs to WTF?! about, but here are a handful from event week (there is a dinner I am in charge of tomorrow night, and I feel like the cat up here):

It's the day before the event. You suddenly want....

1) To get in touch about the emcee role you promised way back when but didn't bother to get back to the event manager about for the past few days, until someone with some influence made you call about it and recommit. Then you want two more free seats. WTF!

2) Another option for dinner. Because the meat one and the vegetarian one and the vegan one aren't enough, damn it, you want a BUFFET! Never mind that you are in a fancy hotel! WTF?!

3) To bring eight people when you said you were bringing two. And have them all sit together. WTF!

4) To not get back to the event manager about how many spots you are filling at your table, even though her nonprofit has to pay for each spot you might take. WTF!

5) To do a half-ass donation when you promised a full donation of beverages - AND you make the event manager's co-worker drive an hour each way to pick it up. WTF!

By the way...I'm the event manager.

Also - the cure for all of this is lots of ice cream. Trust me!

Epic fail!

2011-09-10T16:45:00.000-07:00

Bear with me, as I don't want to write about 9/11 and am pissed off at Yahoo news for the story titled, "Relive 9/11 with pictures of..." Fuck off! We lived through it once already and it was bad enough the first time, assholes.

SO
Segue -

I don't know if I am just in the wrong generation...or don't know as many perverts as the rest of my friends do...but thus far no man I know has offered to send me a naked picture. (Please note: this is not an invite.)

But anyhow. One of my friends (in her 20s) told one of her friends to piss off after he had been hitting on her.

So he does a big mea culpa. A few weeks pass. Then he starts offering to send her a picture of his...you know.

"If you see it," he tells her, "it will change your mind!"

Tip for the uninitiated: women are not like men, in that we don't find naked pictures sexy (especially if they're just pictures of body parts with no one attached.)

PS This softcore porn (read: Victoria's Secret) postcard did arrive in this condition, with the model looking like a boobalicious vampire - probably the marks came from a mail shredder - so at least it gave us a laugh.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-07T17:50:00.000-07:00

OK, a few words: it's good to be a cat in our casa.

A question for Facebook users (and non-users)

2011-09-05T21:52:00.001-07:00

Full disclosure: for a variety of reasons, I am not on Facebook. That said, I do find it useful that we have a page at my work - we post advocacy updates, events, etc., and I do not have to have my own account to do this.

Most of my friends have FB accounts, and many of you probably do as well - so I ask you, is it me? Or is it incredibly tacky to post very emotionally dramatic stuff on one's Facebook wall for all the world to see? Especially if your profile is not private? And what is the point of doing this over and over again, except maybe for attention?

For instance...one of my friends was horrified awhile back because her spouse announced their separation very publicly on Facebook, even before she could tell all of their friends. I was horrified just hearing about that.

Something similar happened recently with some extended family and it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Maybe it's just me (how many sentences start like that?), but I tend to keep my private stuff between good friends and close family.

What's your take?

The haters have too much time on their hands

2011-09-02T21:57:00.000-07:00

I love it how far-left or far-right groups choose nitpicky ridiculous shit to protest - 'cause it's far easier to do than actual do-gooding, like serving meals, spending time with a hopice patient, or volunteering your time somewhere.

Apparently there is an online group that had no problem when "Dancing with the Stars" (which I have never seen, btw, since I don't watch TV) has paraded stars whose pasts included posing for girly mags or making sex tapes - but OH MY! - they have their knickers in knots when a transgender man is a contestant on the show.

Personally, I don't give a shit who's on that show, and I think it takes a hell of a lot of guts to transition. Chaz Bono has not only transitioned, but he has done it publicly, as a role model and inspiration to a population that has one of the highest rates of suicides, suicide attempts, and survivors of sexual assault - way disproportionate compared to most of the population.

Onemillionmoms.com should think about how they'd feel if their children came out as trans. Would they still spread so much hate?

In the meantime...find something better to do. Protest the number of children that go to bed hungry in this country every night, for starters.

The hazards of working incognito

2011-08-29T21:15:00.000-07:00

Mr. RK and I have our little traditions. One of them is that every day, we ask each other, "Did anything interesting or funny happen today?"

Here is Mr. RK's funny story of the day:

He is sitting outside, soaking up the sun (since he'd be happy if it was 109 every day, except we live in Oregon), and this guy comes out and sits next to him and starts talking.

Guy: "So yeah - my TV broke, but you know? I have a new perspective now that my girlfriend's pregnant. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't need to drive my fast car anymore."

Mr. RK thinks: "Who the fuck is this guy?!"

Then, suddenly, Mr. RK realizes it's P, a guy he has worked with for the past three weeks...except since they test electron microscopes, they are in bunny suits in a clean room.

So he didn't recognize P.

I imagine it's the same kind of hazard as you'd run into if you were a penguin.

I am off to nom my birthday cake

2011-08-25T08:26:00.000-07:00

I am now officially in another demographic...I've left 18-34.

Yikes!

I have to say, recent events aside, the older I get, the happier I am.

That's pretty lucky.

It took me awhile after I grew up to realize that not everyone made as big a deal of birthdays as my family did. As my dad says, "Your birthday is the one day of the year when you should act as selfish as most people do every day."

I am off to do just that!

This would only happen to me!

2011-08-21T20:55:00.000-07:00

I have a very large family.

So large, that apparently when someone dies, not everyone finds out.

So when someone else dies, I END UP SENDING A SYMPATHY CARD TO A DEAD PERSON.

Is there a more dysfunctional family than this? I can't imagine there is.

I sent this e-mail to extended family:

I know we are spread across the country, but would some of you PLEASE notify me when someone like Uncle L dies.

I sent him a sympathy card about Aunt L dying! And I am so sorry, Grandma, I would have sent you a card had I known.

As a friend of mine put it, "That would only happen to you!"

Another friend reminded me, "You are supposed to send sympathy cards to the survivors - not the person who died!"

And part 2 of the story of Dave

2011-08-18T20:41:00.000-07:00

I heard part two of the story of Dave (see previous post) at a lunch meeting today.

All four of us ladies are pretty laid back. We asked whether Dave had managed to find any pants. My colleague said, "Did I ever tell you that Dave proposed to me a few years ago?"

Um, no.

Here's how it happened:

Dave was recovering in the ICU after open heart surgery. (Before you read the rest, keep in mind, he was on a morphine drip.)

He said, "Hey, L - I heard you don't have insurance. So why don't we get married?"

L: "Dave! You have Medicaid. That won't work."
Dave: "So you're turning down my proposal?"
L: "Yes."

Five minutes elapse. A nurse comes into the hospital room.

Dave: "L, wow, she's hot!" Dave turns toward the nurse. "Will you marry me?"

I swear I'm not making this up.

Happy almost Friday!

And you thought your day was strange

2011-08-16T21:28:00.001-07:00

From a colleague's text today:

"Crazy day. Dog bit one of the volunteers and Dave refused to go anywhere with pants on."

Dave is another volunteer.

Don't you wish you worked in mental health advocacy?

More reasons I'm glad I'm not dating

2011-08-11T21:09:00.000-07:00

So one of my friends decided to try a free online dating site.

Some of the guys who messaged her include:

Guy #1. His message to my friend: "So I keep bubble wrap under my mattress, so when I'm doing it, it sounds like fireworks are going off! Isn't that cool?"

Guy #2-10 (estimates) - Can't write proper English. I don't mean ESL - I mean they would flunk first-grade spelling tests. No one wants to get wicha, y'know?

Guy #11. His message to my friend: "So FYI, I have the stomach flu. This doesn't mean you have to wrap yourself in foil, you can't get it through the computer."

Um. Needless to say she didn't write any of these guys back...stomach flu man sent her eight other messages in about 10 minutes after she blocked him.

"Why aren't you responding? Hmm, I guess I'll have to keep trying to figure it out and maybe I'll never know..."

That's OK. The fact that he doesn't know speaks volumes!

My friend did meet someone nice - so far. I'll be back with a full report soon.

Winnie the Pooh and mental disorders

2011-08-08T20:05:00.001-07:00

This came from a friend of one of the volunteers at my work. Mind you, this person has a mental illness himself, so we're all just making fun of ourselves.

Pooh Bear: Eating Disorder ("I wonder if there is any honey left in that pot?")

Piglet: Social Anxiety Disorder (Wouldn't you have trouble being social, if you were simultaneously worried about being made into breakfast?)

Tigger: ADHD (Bouncy, trouncy, fun fun fun fun FUN! Doesn't that explain it all?)

Rabbit: OCD (Sorry to say, out of all of these characters, I am most like Rabbit. What does that say about me?)

Owl: Dyslexia (Because there are so many other owls that can read, you know.)

Eeyore: Depression (You'd be depressed too, if that little black cloud followed you everywhere.)

Kanga and Roo: Dissociative Personality Disorder (I'm still trying to figure this one out.)

Christopher Robin: Schizophrenia

I asked the volunteer, "Why did he say that Christopher Robin has schizophrenia? He's the only normal one."

She replied, "Probably because he's seeing all of these animals that talk to him."

Or maybe I'm in a British sitcom?

2011-08-05T22:15:00.000-07:00

It has, shall we say, been a rough few days. I'm sorry to be largely absent from blogland, but I have spent more time on the phone with all kinds of bureaucrats over the past few days than I have spent on the phone with anyone in probably a year. (My advice for the uninitiated: MAKE A WILL and KEEP ALL OF YOUR IMPORTANT PAPERS IN ONE PLACE.)

That said, I cannot say enough thank-yous to all of you who have showered us with hugs, consolations, donations in my mother-in-law's memory - some even from people I have never met - and general good thoughts.

That has helped make up for some of the not-so-funny insane shit, like my mother-in-law's "friend" who called Mr. RK's sister not 12 hours after their mother died and demanded to start going through her stuff. Or the person we have never even heard of who wanted to go view her body at the hospital morgue. Or the "friend" of my sister-in-law who asked, "Can I have your mom's clothes?" I kid you not. Or the hospital's business office calling my husband asking for insurance information after I specifically told them all such calls go through me, so my husband and his sister can be left alone. (I left her a voicemail that was, albeit without any profanity, so stern that she is now only speaking to the insurance guy.)

However...the last couple of days were without their insane moments of humor. I'll take any laugh I can get just about now.

Picking up my mother-in-law's ashes today at the funeral home, all was very solemn. Outside, my sister-in-law gave me a hug and then whispered, "Your zipper is down."

And I was wearing bright pink underwear!

Don't tell me that's TMI. I had to live it, you just have to read it.

Then one of Mr. RK's mom's friends made a donation in Mr. RK's mom's memory. The donor's name is Ms. Adcock.

And she is a lesbian.

I swear I'm not making this up. A friend of mine texted: "This is beginning to sound like a British sitcom!"

One of my (gay) friends said, "I believe that. If it was Mrs. Delete Cock, I'd be skeptical."

Another friend (who is a lesbian) said, "I'd be wary if Mrs. Strap-on donates in Mr. RK's mom's memory."

So if your last name is Strap-On - hey, it's possible, if you are married and/or British aristocracy - please do donate. I double dog dare you!

No words

2011-08-02T06:20:00.000-07:00

Pardon the hiatus. My husband's mother was struck and killed by a car yesterday.

We are all in shock - it's like being in a horrible dream.

To honor her memory, we're directing donations to a charity event she was participating in - something she got really excited about, put a lot of effort into, and spent time recruiting people for. You can find out more about it here if you are so inclined.

In the meantime, your prayers and good thoughts are much appreciated.

What offends me?

2011-07-28T22:29:00.001-07:00

I have some colorful friends (online and offline), and from time to time, one of them will say, "I hope I didn't offend you!"

My friends, it is very difficult to offend me. However, I was thinking about it, so here are the top several things to which I take offense.

1. People who waste my time. This especially includes people who ask you the same question 12 different ways, hoping, each time, for a different answer. On a couple of occasions on the phone at work, I have actually had to say, "You can keep asking this question, but I won't have another answer for you."

2. People who talk on and on and on and on...and on, and then talk louder when you try to cut them off, so you end up literally having to walk away to save your sanity. Why is it that these are the same people who never have anything interesting to say?

3. People who are fake. You know, the ones who will be super nice to your face and then say, "Oooh, she's such a bitch!" behind your back. Funny, that never works in reverse, does it? There are never people who are rude to your face and nice behind your back!

4. People who get offended about nudity but think violence is A-OK.

5. People who think they have a monopoly on knowledge. This includes the guy I had never met before who accosted me at the lake last weekend and basically told me Christians shouldn't feel bad about having lots of possessions, "because the Book of Revelations says that the streets in heaven will be paved with gold!"

6. People who look down on other people simply because of how they were born - race, gender, sexual identity, social class, etc.

7. People who whine, snivel, and bitch about things, but don't take any action to change them. Here's 50 cents, call someone who gives a shit!

8. Guys who talk to my boobs. I have to say, "They won't talk back to you."

9. Badly made espresso drinks. You know, from mixes instead of syrups. I'm spending a small fortune on this stuff, I'd rather it not taste like mud. Bad espresso drinks are like bad sex and bad pizza: don't bother.

10. You knew this was coming - people who think it's ok to say "Jesus Christ!" or "Oh my God!" but are offended by the word "fuck." Fuck is a very useful word: expletive, noun, adverb, verb, you name it.

Now - dare I ask - what offends you?

Before you judge

2011-07-26T17:24:00.001-07:00

Before her death at age 27, British singer Amy Winehouse was often the target of tasteless jokes on late night talk shows.

What hasn't surfaced in too many articles is the fact that she suffered from bipolar disorder, and didn't like the side effects of her meds. So she refused to take them. So she self-medicated, which is probably what led to her death.

This may seem open-and-shut to you. But consider. I work with people who have tried medication after medication, only to have all of them fail. I have met people who have gained 50-100 pounds as a "side effect" of their medication, putting them at risk for diabetes, heart conditions, etc. - not to mention the effect on their self-esteem. It's not so easy to just pop a pill. Even when you find one that works, it won't fix everything.

My heart goes out to Winehouse and her family because, frankly, I put my own family through hell when going through severe depression. I self-medicated with alcohol, and but for their support and a medication that worked (thank God) without serious side effects, I would likely not be here today.

I understand that pain, that depression that seizes you and makes you unable to do the simplest things, like get out of bed - or even want to wake up, ever again.

Mental health care sucks in this country and even in others, mental illness is drastically misunderstood. I am sick and fucking tired of comments people make when a tragedy of this sort happens, connecting mental illness with creative talent.

It doesn't spur the talent, friends. Those of us who are creative will tell you it's hell on Earth trying to create anything when we're down.

Drinking, for me, took the edge off. I was a little more social, a little less unhappy, felt a little less alone. I would always crash - always end up feeling worse the next day.

It has been almost 14 years (I quit drinking, funny enough, right after I turned 21), but I still have dreams every month or two that I screw up and have a rum and coke or whatever, and have to start all over again. That leaves me to wake up in a cold sweat, kissing my toes that it's not real.

So before you judge her - or others who have substance abuse issues - please consider. There may be a very sad reason behind it. And more importantly, they may be forever grateful if you are there when and if they have the strength to move forward.

I know I am.

Coming clean

2011-07-22T21:53:00.000-07:00

I was thinking this week that I'd have to go borrow someone's child so I can go see the new Winnie the Pooh movie. C'mon, John Cleese is the narrator and Craig Ferguson is Owl! How could I not see it?

But still, I am embarrassed to go by myself. Mr. RK said, "Perhaps my mother will go with you."

One of my volunteers at work assured me that it's "for children AND adults."

Yeah. Adults that have children!

I have a secret. I love the old-time, sticky-sweet children's cartoons/books. Winnie the Pooh, Little Bear, you know the stuff.

I love it because it's so, well, sweet! Peaceful, sometimes funny, but not in a mean way. Today's kids' books seem to be, for the most part, 1) crass, 2) insulting to the kids' intelligence, and 3) poorly written. Not all, but definitely some.

In fact, the only fiction I am comfortable writing is fiction for children. You may find this funny, given the fact that I talk like a sailor (except around my little siblings.) But I like recreating that kind of sweet happy place. That said, I should get off my ass and start submitting my book, right?

Anyhow, now you know my dark secret. This should be enough sweet stuff to last you with this blog until 2012.

PS The cat in this lolcat looks just like our Earl Grey. But if we had even presented him with a Tigger outfit, he would definitely have killed us, just with his glare.

Dumb things I have done this week

2011-07-19T20:30:00.001-07:00

1. Walked into my office, glanced at a card with my name on it on my desk, and asked, "Is that for me?"

2. Decided that I was too tired after a day of work + three hours of volunteer meetings to put away the lingerie that was hanging out to dry. Sure enough, the maintenance guy came by today. (This has happened before.)

3. Believed the weather forecast - twice - when it was supposed to be warm and sunny. And dressed accordingly. Turns out it was 60 and pouring. Silly me, it's only July.

4. Scheduled an afternoon of tennis, going with aforementioned forecast. And then scheduled another one. I believe the words are "epic fail."

5. Said, "I'm sorry" when hearing that an acquaintance had broken up with a partner of 2 1/2 years. Because then I got to listen to everything that was wrong with that relationship. Next time, I'm just going to say, "Great!"

6. Thought I could handle more than one mocha today without bouncing off of the walls. (Now I have bruises.)

7. Tried to figure out how to use the "share" feature on our Facebook page at work, unsuccessfully. I'm from Silicon Valley and I can't figure this out! I should hang my head in shame.

Theoretically these lists come in themes of 10, but the week's not over yet. Give me time :)

Freaky Friday

2011-07-15T19:00:00.000-07:00

I've had a bit of blogger's block (that's writer's block, but only when it comes to blogging) and then I realized that some really weird shit has happened this week.

So guess what the topic of today's post is?

Some of the freaky things that happened:

1. Mr. RK came home with a box full of shark's teeth that a coworker found in a rural area about 20 miles from here, that used to be underwater. She literally just came up to him and said, "Here, have these."

2. I have less fingernail material than I did at this time yesterday. This was unintentional but totally my fault. Tip for the uninitiated: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TRY TO REMOVE YOUR SHELLAC MANICURE AT HOME.

3. One day after several days of vacation, I get sick enough to miss work.

4. The day after that (today), I find out my review is coming up. Someone has a sick sense of humor.

5. One of my colleagues got bitten by a dog - the same dog - twice in two days. It's an "emotional support animal" that one of her employees insists on bringing to work. And even after it bit my friend, the employee didn't see why there was a problem with her bringing it to work. Hence the second bite. The dog is now banned, but the employee does not understand why. I am not making this up.

Mr. RK suggested that she bite the dog. She said she is thinking about it.

I'd be more tempted to bite the owner.

6. And this one is just embarrassing - remember how, when I had lunch with someone a couple of weeks ago, I thought he said, "I got laid last night?" when he said he was doing Jenny Craig and got weighed last night? We met for dinner and I asked him, joking, "So! Did you get laid last night?"

Guess who forgot the lunch episode and didn't get the joke?

Any strange stuff happening in your neck of the woods?

Things I have learned this week: visiting brother edition

2011-07-11T22:37:00.000-07:00

Things I have learned about being a 15-year-old boy:

1. Hot dogs never get old.
2. Everything is innuendo, even when it isn't.
3. Vegetables? What are they?
4. Comics rule.
5. So does technology. Especially if it is made by Apple and begins with "i."
6. If your sister has a 24-year-old friend, and offers to let you tag along for coffee, the answer is yes!
7. Brushing your teeth is about as appealing as eating moss.
8. So is putting underwear and socks in the wash when laundry is done.
9. Mochas are life, the rest are just details.
10. Sugar is a food group. So is caffeine.

Well...I couldn't help spoiling him.

Fortunately he and Mr. RK get along really well, too.

I asked him, "What would you have done if I had married a total douchebag?"

"I'd ask him to be gone when I visit."

A guest post

2011-07-08T16:52:00.000-07:00

My friend G suggested that my little bro, who is visiting for a few days (he is 15 going on 40) write a guest post about all of the wicked happenings here.

He resisted. Because he does not know how to type. Actually he is illiterate.

Just kidding. He told me to write that.

So here is his post, which I have extracted with the threat of no more mochas or comics unless he wrote it.

Things I have observed in Portland
By: Blake (Me.)

1. People need their guacamole. See a previous post.

2. All cats are misogynists. (i.e Riot Kitty)

3. The world does not explode when you say onomatopoeia.

4. It is very easy to say onomatopoeia 3 times fast.

5. I have committed heresy to the church of the cat.

6. Some people don't like Matthew Vaughn.

7. I can watch anything but porn.

8. Riot Kitty will vomit on me if I say "anything is fine" one more time.

9. Life is like a Katy Perry music video.

10. I am illiterate.

11. I have the sex appeal of a car accident. Also of a chair.

12. I like barney. He does not deserve to be capitalized.

What I really wanted to tell someone today, but couldn't

2011-07-05T17:38:00.000-07:00

How is it that people who talk way, way, WAY too much - and are older than the age of 12 - don't realize it?

Hasn't anyone told them before?

I had to (politely) interrupt a volunteer at work today who was telling me (as she usually does) an exorbitantly long story that was totally unrelated to work.

She promptly had a meltdown and cried and said I was being mean.

I took her aside and then she apologized and said she was just anxious about a medical procedure she was having tomorrow.

Then, when I left for lunch, she proceeded to retell the entire story to another volunteer.

What am I missing?

More perverts, and congrats

2011-06-30T17:55:00.001-07:00

Yes, it's another post about being a perv! I am on a roll, but if you read, you will understand why.

I had a periodontist appointment today.

I swear, every time I see this guy something that sounds really dirty comes out of one of our mouths.

So after several weeks of dreading getting both sides of each tooth measured under the gums with a pokey metal stick (I am not making this up), it dawned on me that I could request topical anesthesia.

But the request came out like this:

"Before you poke me, could you get me numb?"

And then later, when he rinsed the piña colada-flavored (I am not making that up, either) anesthesia stuff out of my mouth, holding the water-sucker-upper (that's the technical term), he said, "Now suck on that."

I couldn't laugh only because I would have choked.

Anyhow, I can't let this day go by without posting a very public CONGRATS! to my good friend Darth Weasel. He worked his tail off and today it paid off handsomely. (That is what the pic is for, btw, not my appointment...my mouth now hurts like a bitch.) I'm not going to go into details in case he isn't going public with his news, but no, it has nothing to do with porn.

That announcement is for the next post.

And now I know where I get it

2011-06-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

I was super worried about my grandfather after Grammy died last fall, but silly me! He is happier as a single man than we have ever seen him.

Every day, he goes out to brunch and then, for dinner, to a pub with friends from church for fish and chips. He has a cat. He bought a new car. Imagine a religious version of the Fonz, but age 85, sans the leather jacket.

Thing is, this once super-prude guy has had his social editor switched off. My dad is constantly embarrassed because, well, he has kind of become a dirty old man.

The last time my dad saw my grandfather, he had to apologize to the clerk at Barnes and Noble, because my grandfather said her hoarse voice came from "kissing your husband too much." That's mild. My grandfather told my dad about an excursion to a Catholic bookstore the other day.

"I just wrote about my marriage with my late wife," he told two older woman at this store. "The Bible says that when a man marries a woman, the two become one flesh. Do you know what that means?"

(I am cringing as I write this, even as my dad cringed when he told me the story.)

"That means, A MAN'S PENIS GOES INTO THE WOMAN'S VAGINA! ONE FLESH!"

(Admit it, you're embarrassed too, and you don't even know him.)

I am amazed that 1) he was not physically removed from the store, and 2) neither one of these poor old Catholic women (who could have been nuns, come to think of it) had a heart attack.

My dad said, "DAD! Not everyone wants to hear about that!"

My grandfather: "I'm just explaining the Bible."

We agreed that one of these days, he'll be 1) arrested for disturbing the peace (he lives in a town of about 300 people), or 2) he'll get slugged.

Now, mind you, this is a guy who could not even say the word "penis" when explaining the birds and bees to my dad and his siblings when they were growing up. He would literally whisper it.

What the hell happened? I wonder if somewhere in the back of his mind he is doing this because he knows he's old and can get away with it.

If I last that long, maybe I will, too.

Obviously, I'm just a pervert

2011-06-24T18:50:00.001-07:00

I had lunch today with a hospital executive who wants to get more involved with what we do at work. He mentioned that he had to watch what he was eating since he was doing Jenny Craig.

"But this is OK today," he said. "I got laid last night."

Um. WHAT?

I turned about 50 shades of red and he said, "What? I just said I got weighed last night."

Then we both burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Earlier in the day I almost choked on a cookie when one of our volunteers, referring to someone on the sponsor prospect list for an event said, "And when Dick comes in..."

OK, I'm just a pervert.

My brain will always twist things I *think* people are saying when they're totally innocuous. Is there a medical explanation for this? And am I the only one that does this? Inquiring minds want to know!

One more reason I'm glad I am not single...

2011-06-21T21:55:00.000-07:00

I have friends of all ages. Among my single friends, I hear a lot about how much it sucks to date (been there, totally understand.) But I cannot keep up with my 20-something friends and their dates.

I'm thinking of two female friends in particular - we're like a classier version of Sex in the City (I know, not hard to do) and I'm Samantha, because I'm old, compared to them. Literally a week can go by and I'll ask about the latest Mr. Fantastic (not his real name), and the reply will come back (via text, of course), "No, this is another guy. Mr. Fantastic turned out to be a douchebag!"

I'm guessing they'll both go through many douchebags, because that's how dating is. (Note to all of my exes out there who are douchebags: I hope you all found those bottles of conditioner.)

Prior to meeting Mr. RK, I had dates where (and I am not making this up):
- Someone was so forward that I made sure he would never call me again by telling him I was into bondage.
- A divorced someone made me dinner and then pulled out his wedding album.
- Someone mentioned that he wanted to date (read: sleep with) me AND my best friend. At the same time.
- Someone flatout said he wanted me to be his "trophy girlfriend." (Guess who went home and slept alone that night?)
- Someone said he could never get serious about me (this, on the first date) because my hair wasn't a dark enough shade of brown. (He also said he liked Vanilla Ice, so this was no big loss.)

So glad I am not doing it. I have told Mr. RK that, God forbid anything happens to him (or if he decides he is gay), I'd never date again.

I'd just get a lifetime membership at Mr. Peeps.

Mr. RK's Guide to Boys

2011-06-18T23:17:00.000-07:00

So every time I go with Mr. RK to a particular restaurant, one of the guys who works there - his family owns it - scurries around like a mouse and hardly says anything to us. But when I am there with female friends, he never shuts up.

We went there for brunch this morning and he hardly said two words to us. So, driving back home, I asked Mr. RK, "Why would he be so quiet around you, and so talkative when you're not there."

"N from work wouldn't say the stuff she says to me if you were there," he replied. "N" is a raunchy woman who is the age of Mr. RK's mom.

"But," I noted, "N wants to get in your pants. This guy is a dozen years younger than my friend L and I. I'm sure he doesn't want to get into our pants."

"How old is he?" Mr. RK asked. "21 or 22? He wants to get in everyone's pants!"

Mr. RK continued to present his Guide to Boys, which is outlined here:

When you're 15, you just want a good magazine.

When you're 17-33, you just want to get into the pants of anyone of your gender of preference who is breathing.

At around age 33, you become more discriminating.

(Good thing, then, that I met Mr. RK when he was 33.)

So, boys, I ask: is this true?

Y(not)2K? (Ward, this is for you.)

2011-06-17T17:12:00.000-07:00

To my dear late friend Ward~

Wherever you are, I want you to know that I remember your birthday is on Monday. I plan to eat some cheesecake and think of you. I'm sorry you're not hear to eat it with me, and for quite awhile now, I've been wishing you were here for me to sit down and tell you just how much of a difference you made to me, even though you left this world almost eight years ago.

Three years ago, I started working in mental health advocacy. Little by little, I learned what a fucked up system we had - the same system that treated you like a guinea pig, and never got you appropriate care.

It - and you - gave me a burning desire to make change.

This has not just been a job, but a turning point in my life.

Every year, I have walked in your memory to raise money to help people from falling through the cracks. Our walk team is even named after you.

Each year I have gotten more ambitious about my goals - raising money, rounding up people to raise awareness - and every year, I've been scared that I would not reach those goals.

But I have.

This year, with the support of family and friends (some of whom are reading this), I raised $2,000 for this cause which is so dear to me.

You have been the inspiration on days when I want to walk out, when I think I cannot take one more person who is angry on the phone, or because our budget is always being threatened and people could literally die because of that, or when I think I will start crying because there is no magic wand I can wave to make things better for someone.

Even in absentia, you have been my greatest strength. From you, I learned that being patient and kind is not being weak; that recovery really is one day at a time; that a true friend will always be there.

I thought, if you were here, you'd probably say something like, "Why *not* $2K?" You were always so funny, and so good at cheering people up.

Wish you were here, amigo, but in many ways, you still are.

I may be juvenile, but...

2011-06-16T10:18:00.000-07:00

A friend wrote that I hadn't posted much lately...I have been out of ideas and things have been stressful for some of the people in my circle. (No, not that kind of circle, perverts!) Mr. RK says I have a "super empathy chip."

Plus a couple of tough anniversaries - my cousin's death (last Monday) and my late friend's birthday (next Monday.)

However (don't laugh), the meditation exercises have been absolutely amazing, and I haven't even really started yet. (A friend said she thought my last post was a joke at first!)

What has really made my week, though - and this may be really juvenile - Rep. Boehner (pronounced "boner") asking Rep. Weiner (pronounced "weener") to resign!

It would be even better if the attorney general - Holder - had asked him to step down.

5-Minute Friday

2011-06-10T21:58:00.001-07:00

No, this has nothing to do with Rep. (or soon-to-be-ex-Rep.) Weiner and said weiner. My friend Claire gave me this idea - you pick a theme for a post and have five minutes to write about it.

And today's theme is...meditation. GO!

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know I'm pretty high octane. But I really do want to relax more...and overloading on exercise, mochas and cheese enchiladas is not making it happen.

So despite the fact that I hate any kind of new agey crap (sorry, that was redundant), I got talking to a volunteer about meditation.

Read: I am desperate to stop waking up at 4 a.m. worrying about things. They're not even my things! I am very close to my family and when they stress, I stress, which doesn't help any of us.

Years ago my acupuncturist recommended yoga. Mr. RK noted, "You'd probably be in class saying, 'Hurry up!'"

I am not patient enough for yoga.

So I went to the dreaded meditation" shelf at the local bookstore, which also had shelves on many other topics I can't even pronounce, let alone understand. I eschewed everything that made my skin crawl and found a book for beginners. This author noted that the reader "won't have hours each day to spend" meditating, nor should you think it's necessary to spend years learning how to do it. Who the hell has that kind of time anyway? (Speaking of relaxing, it's not so relaxing being timed, but what the hell, this is a good creative writing exercise.)

One minute to to! So wish me luck. I'm going to give it a try.

Nowhere on the back of the book did it say I had to stop saying the word "fuck."

But maybe I can become a not so riot Kitty.

Headaches and Weiners

2011-06-06T19:25:00.000-07:00

First off, sorry I haven't been to visit blogland in the last day or two - I had a volunteer retreat (oxymoron) all day yesterday, and today I stayed home with the longest-lasting headache I've ever had.

Nonetheless, I just *had* to come online to post some advice for a certain New York congressman.

(This may be juvenile, but is it me? Or is it hilarious that someone who posted a picture of his dick online, then lied about it, has the last name Weiner?)

So, following the very lewd public lies and gaffes of U.S. Rep. Weiner of New York, here are a few things you might want to think about if you consider a run for office, or being in the public eye:

1. If you post a naked picture on the internet, someone will find it.

2. If you lie about it, in a profession of righteous indignation, it will backfire.

3. If you are a public figure, it will rain down on you 10 times harder (no pun intended) than it would have if you were an obscure soybean farmer in Missouri.

4. So in sum, your dick will always catch up w/you.

Out of all of the stupid moves this guy has made (so far - there's still time for more), I have to say the most idiotic thing was his comment that about none of this being his wife's fault.

HELLO! Um, you think so? You mean she wasn't holding a gun to his head saying, "Take pictures of your penis and send them to college students, and then lie about it!"

Rep. Weiner, you are a first-class pig.

Dr. Seuss day

2011-06-02T18:06:00.000-07:00

Do you remember that Dr. Seuss book, "Oh the Thinks you can Think!" ?

One of the lines from it that I really laughed over as a kid was, "Oh the thinks you can think up if only you try!"

Translate to my life and it would be, "Oh the things you can fuck up if only you try!" That would have been my subject line, but the last time I used the word "fuck" in a post one of my friends took me off of her blog roll so as not to offend some other friends. (Don't worry, I understand.)

So yesterday was a prime example of why my life is *really* a sitcom. I was so embarrassed afterwards that I e-mailed several friends about it (sorry for those of you who are re-reading it here), just to make them laugh, so I could get *some* good out of it. And also because I was so embarrassed I just had to tell someone!

In the morning, I had coffee with a new volunteer at my work to discuss some ways he could get more involved. We were meeting at a coffee shop that I hadn't been to before.

About a block away, I see out of the corner of my eye a guy who looks like him, sitting right by the front window. I wave enthusiastically and go in and this happy guy says, "Hi, I'm Steve!"

Which is not the name of my volunteer.

I felt like a complete idiot. Especially because he looked really disappointed when I said, "Um, it's not you."

My volunteer said, "Hey, you probably made his day!"

Why? Did he think he was going to get lucky? Don't answer that.

Then I get home and realize the maintenance guy has been in to fix the sink and all of my underwear is hanging out to dry.

Yep.

This is akin to what happens when I go to DQ

2011-05-31T21:30:00.000-07:00

Be sure you have the sound up...

Things I have learned this week, version 2.0

2011-05-28T19:35:00.001-07:00

1. Never get a temporary tattoo.

2. If you do get a temporary tattoo, do not try to scrub it off with the same thing you use to clean dishes. Unless you want to take a layer of skin off of your hand.

3. Be glad you did not get said temporary tattoo on your face.

4. If the weather is warm enough for you to wear a skirt, expect a lot of attention from the guy in the drive-through window when you get a smoothie.

5. If you have a new volunteer begin, don't expect them to stop talking.

6. When referring to #5, don't expect to get any work done, either.

7. My cat is addicted to cake doughnuts. They're like his crack. Note to self: never bring doughnuts home again, if I want any for myself.

8. The weather is psychic. Whenever I go for a walk, it will start pouring the minute I am out the door.

9. Number 8 also applies to the only time I go without a raincoat.

10. If your partner dislocates his rib, and then sneezes, it will pop back into place. So buy pepper just in case.

Really...I'm not making these up!

If your life was a movie...

2011-05-24T19:49:00.001-07:00

...which one would it be?

This question was being discussed by a group of female coworkers of Mr. RK today.

One said, "The Hangover." Another said, "A Series of Unfortunate Events." Another, who is pregnant, said, "Knocked Up."

And one said, "Deepthroat."

They all laughed, until they saw Mr. RK, and then they all blushed.

So Mr. RK asked me, "How about you? One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?"

"Hey!" I replied. "Because of my job (mental health advocacy), or because of me personally?"

His answer: "A little of both."

TTTThhhhhhhhhhhhpppppppppppppppppppttttttttttt.

But anyway. I started thinking it would be a good idea for a blog post. And then I started thinking that all of my favorite movies, well, wouldn't really fit:

Dead Again (Zombies?)

A Charlie Brown Christmas (a little 2-dimensional)

Four Weddings and a Funeral (I'd have a ways to go, hopefully)

Debbie Does Dallas (Ok, just kidding. I've never been to Dallas. Except to the airport. And we won't talk about that. It wasn't *that* long of a layover.)

Ratatouille (No.)

Spiderman 2 (also no.)

I asked, "What's yours? Hellboy?"

He said, "No. Blazing Saddles."

How about you? If your life was a movie, what would it be?

I hope my family doesn't read this

2011-05-20T20:25:00.001-07:00

So before every event I do for work, I spend several days secretly worrying that something is going to blow things up. You know, alien and zombie invasions...or, worse, the port-a-potty people will forget to show up.

Coincidentally - or not - I've been having some really weird dreams. OK, really weird sex dreams, specifically. It's like my brain is playing tricks on me, because this happens when I get really stressed out.

I had one particularly graphic one about a college guy who works at his family's restaurant - and I had the dream the night before I had dinner plans there.

I told my friend on the drive over and she burst into giggles. We get there and - of course - he's our waiter. And he's super chatty. And he starts talking about a human sexuality class he's taking.

Seriously? God is up there laughing at me, I can tell.

At this point I want to slither under the table and just die (I couldn't even look him in the eye when I ordered food), and my friend is cracking up.

So as we drive away she says, "I wouldn't mind having a graphic dream about him!"

I tell the story to a mutual friend, and she says, "I wouldn't either!"

So now I can never go there again.

Or I can, but I'll have to wear a bag over my head and ask his mom to wait on us instead.

Anyhow, question - has anyone heard of the acronym F/U standing for anything but, well, FU?

I got an e-mail from one of our event volunteers today and it said, "F/U today, so everything's taken care of."

It took me a minute to realize she meant "followed up."

Then another volunteer wrote about donations and said, "I think I'm tapped out...unless I get some I don't expect."

Yep, it's all about sex. I hope my family doesn't read this.

For days like this, there is DQ

2011-05-17T17:35:00.000-07:00

That's right, Dairy Queen.

I do four or five events each year at work (depending on whether the legislature is in session), and during event week, I let myself eat anything I want.

This week, it has meant DQ.

You remember a children's book referring to a no-good, horrible, very bad day? Today wasn't that bad...but just GRRRR.

First off - I take time from work, which has been busy, busy, busy working on this weekend's event, to go out and talk to a group of people about the event. Or so I was told. I get there, no one has been told I'm coming (including the center coordinator), so I am led to interrupt two art classes and try to talk about the event. People just look at me and keep painting.

I go to acupuncture to relax. It's 55 outside and the air conditioning keeps coming on.

I then get a call from a state legislator informing me that someone who volunteers for a chapter of our organization that's several hours away has been angrily harassing legislators who are not planning on coming to this weekend's event. Which is in the middle of budget session.

And she is on the big budget committee.

Fuck.

I really, really want popcorn or sesame noodles as my comfort food, but I can't have them for 10 days because long story short, stress has been making my gums (which were doing well) worse.

Double fuck.

And then I get a barrage of e-mails from a married ex-friend in New York (who is an ex-friend because he has been inappropriate, and is married) after a year or so of silence.

Triple fuck! And not the good kind of fuck.

AND it's supposed to rain on the day of the event.

And I forgot one of our awesome volunteer's birthdays.

I'm going out to dinner tonight, because God knows the house would probably burn down if I tried to cook.

A shout-out for the lovely Ms. Claire

2011-05-15T15:44:00.000-07:00

Here I am, all nerves about the weather and hoping the port-a-potty people don't forget to show up next week, when I have the big event for work.

But I realized it's nothing compared with the huge task my lovely friend Claire took on for charity.

She did a fundraising "Moonwalk" to help fight breast cancer, and raised more than her goal! You go, girl!

This wasn't just any walk - it was the length of a marathon, at night, through London. Plus, she made it through despite a bad reaction to the food they got at the beginning.

I'm a complete wimp. I'd have probably turned back after the bad pasta, or, more realistically, asked someone else to walk for me ;) And I definitely would have said "fuck" a lot.

Anyhow, this is a special cause for me, as my grandmother was a breast cancer survivor. You may see lots of pink ribbons now, but twenty years ago, it was nearly almost a fatal diagnosis.

Because of people like Claire, raising money and awareness, breast cancer is now front and center. By the time Grammy was diagnosed in 2002, there were options for treatment and survival.

I am happy to support you (and thanks for supporting my event, too!) and proud you are my friend. Hope it won't be too long before we get to meet in person.

Congrats, Claire!

I just shouldn't be allowed in public.

2011-05-11T20:15:00.000-07:00

Those of you who have Trader Joe's in your area probably love it as much as I do. Lucky for me, there is one 10 minutes from where I live and about a mile from where I work.

I had a weird experience at the work store a couple of days ago. While in the checkout line, the conversation went like this:

(Male)Checker: "Did you just move here from the west side? I remember seeing you at the west side store."
Me: "No, but I work nearby."
Checker: "You know, it's weird, I've had, like, three customers move here from the west side. And they all pointed out that they knew me at the other store. Which was kind of weird."

(Hello...isn't that what you just did?)

Me: "Yeah, weird."
Checker: "And what's really weird is that I have this friend who does his hair like I do, and has sideburns like I do, so sometimes people confuse us."

(Why, exactly, do you think I give a flying fuck?)

Me, right before I walk out the door: "Yeah, people confuse me for other people with brown hair and big boobs all the time."

I just shouldn't be allowed out in public sometimes.

Real questions and answers

2011-05-08T19:56:00.000-07:00

Once again, it's nearing event time. The one coming up is our biggest all year (2,000+ people) and it's the biggest event in my field in the state.

I'm running it. Needless to say, you'd think that would mean people would know not to ask me, say, for rides to and from cities three hours away so they can attend.

Nope.

So here are a few real questions and answers (and demands):

"I need a ride from City of E (three hours away)."
Do I look like a taxi cab? Seriously, I have to plan an event for 2,000 people, but I have time to take you and pick you up.

"Will there be ice cream again this year?"
Yes.
"How about cookies?"
Yes.
"What kind?"
Nabisco.
"How about water?"
No, I want people to get dehydrated. These are five minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

"Will you have a shirt in my size?"
What size is that?
"Depends on how the shirt fits, or if it runs large or small."
Why don't you show up early and try them ALL on.

"Will there be lunch?"
Are you fucking kidding me?

There is one guy who asks to have a table every year, and every year I tell him (nicely) no. There are more than 2,000 people, I cannot give each participant a table.

So this year he asks one of my committee volunteers.

I wanted to yell, "Hey, dipshit! The answer's still NO!" The same guy brought an unexpected guest to an RSVP-only formal luncheon. While I managed to seat the guest because someone got sick and couldn't make it, dipshit man had the balls to ask why they couldn't sit together.

It reminds me of a game my dad used to play when we were little and would nag him about things. He'd ask, "Do you want your answer loud or soft?"

I did get one very sweet e-mail from a lady asking if she could bring her dog to the event. "He's very well-behaved, has been to doggie daycare, and is very social," she wrote.

I wanted to write back, "Wish all of the people who show up that day would be as polite as your dog!"

Observations

2011-05-05T21:35:00.000-07:00

Years ago, Saturday Night Live had a skit called "The Planet of Honest People." The setting: a board room. Someone announces that someone else got a promotion. The co-workers chip in: "I wanted that job!" "I hope you do really badly!" I think it was Kevin Nealon that asked a co-worker on a date after the meeting. She replied, "Actually, I'm just after cheap sex."

I remembered this skit tonight as I was leaving a meeting where I had been invited to present. I was promised would "be quick." I figured it would take about 20 minutes. It took over an hour.

Things I have learned this week:

People who say, "I'm so sorry to bother you," really aren't.

Ditto about people who bombard you with questions and say, "I hate to keep you..." They really don't.

I'd much rather live on the Planet of Honest People and have someone be honest and say, "I'm going to totally waste your time." And "I know you want to leave, but I don't give a flying fuck."

Wouldn't you?

Wouldn't that be great?

And no, the lolcat has nothing to do with this post, I just liked it.

I can't say anything new

2011-05-02T21:36:00.001-07:00

about the death of "that man," as a friend put it so well.

But needless to say the past 25 hours have been weird. I didn't sleep a lot last night, mainly because I was thinking back to the horrific events of almost 10 years ago.

I lived in New York City for three and a half years - I went to college there. I didn't go "home" during the summers; I lived there year-round. So when 9/11 happened, three and a half years after I moved back to the West coast, after the disbelief passed, it was like someone had blown up my home. Like someone had ripped out my heart.

For my friends that live there, it was like someone had ripped out their guts.

The past day's events have made me think about all kinds of stuff from that time - the months of flinching every time the phone rang, every time I saw a plane flying low. The months of nightmares that I was running from buildings falling down. The F16s flying over my house at night. The realization that the shops and cafes I used to hang out at, with my ex who worked downtown, were charred and gone and that somewhere among the ashes, there had been people. Flying in and reconstructing the skyline in my mind. Carrying a portable radio in my car.

And the few weeks of general kindness right after it all happened.

I went to get mashed potatoes at KFC; the checker said, "God bless you."

We were overwhelmed by generosity for the survivors and their families.

We tread lighter. We realized that most of the daily bullshit was unimportant.

That couldn't last - but why can't we have it back? Why not channel that deep-seated human compassion and goodness and kindness and live like that every day? Why does it have to take a tragedy?

Maybe, one day, it won't. What if we channeled that energy and ended hunger and suffering around the world?

Just because we choose not to do it doesn't mean it's impossible.

Oh boy oh boy!

2011-04-30T20:31:00.001-07:00

Cake Betch, who I sometimes feel is my younger (don't ask me how much younger) alter ego, gave me an award!

She had this to say about my blog:
I'm sitting here trying to figure out what the fuck Riot Kitty's blog is about but I can't really put my finger on anything in particular. There's a bunch of stuff on there, it's just whatever the hell she feels like writing, which is totally cool in my book. Plus, she posts lolcats pictures. Instant draw for people like me with the attention span of a carrot.

And she's right - I do post whatever the hell I feel like. And today, having a bit o'writer's block, she gave me a topic (thanks!)

As for inspiration...you have probably noticed that the main themes here are 1) laughing, 2) wondering "WTF" about some things, as they pertain to common sense and lackthereof and 3) ranting about lingerie. If any of this has inspired you, I'll probably fall over, unless it has inspired you to laugh or rant with me, which I hope it does from time to time.

So the rules of the road are that I pass this on to 10 other inspirational bloggers. Like Cake Betch, I love all of you, so I will pick the first 10 that pop into my mind:

1. Ileana @ arroz con mango. Chica, you always inspire me to laugh and look on the bright side - as well as imagine Johnny Depp in ways I'd never think of. Plus your art is just amazing.

2. Joey @ Joey's Pad. You inspire with creativity and deep thoughts.

3. Lynn @ Good Things Happened. You inspire me to see the beautiful and pleasant in the every day, where I would usually miss them.

4. Libby @ Libby Logic. Your combination of perfect sarcasm and survival inspires me.

5. Mike D @ The Good Mike D. You inspire me to be a better person. Plus we like the same geeky comic book action stuff.

6. Aliceson @ Feet off the Table. Your artistic talent and ability to keep a cool head when chaos reigns inspire me.

7. John @ Full-on Forward. When you're not writing about reptiles, you inspire me to remember what's really important in life.

8. Claire @ The Country Mouse Tales. Visiting your blog, I'd think you've never had a bad day! Truth is, you inspire me with your ability to turn negative into positive and, of course, the badgers.

9. Grannie Annie @ Fools Rush In. We have much in common, and you inspire me with your wisdom and sense of humor, and ability to keep calm amidst life's hassles.

10. Darth Weasel @ Darth Weasel Jedi Mind Tricks You. You inspire me for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that you strive to be the best person you can be. You are quick to forgive those who wrong you, when I just want to throw mud pies.

So go at it! Thank me and post away!

Thoughts on underwear

2011-04-27T19:03:00.001-07:00

Are the salespeople at Victoria's Secret super aggressive?

To whit - I hate shopping. I order everything I can online, except when I want to get CDs or books, because I love record stores (sadly, they seem to be dying out) and bookstores (not the big box kind.)

So when I shop for anything else that is not a gift (because I do like picking out gifts), I am on a mission. I know exactly what I want. If it's an item of clothing, I try it on just to make sure it'll fit, since quality control in most places tends to suck.

Last weekend I went shopping for bras. No less than six salespeople at Victoria's Secret asked if they could help me. It's not a huge store, either. So by person #5, I finally said, "Not to be rude, but you're the fifth person (and then the sixth person) to ask me that, and I know exactly what I am looking for."

Finally I find it and then when I go to the fitting room they ask for my name. Um, what? Do they want to invite me for dinner? Have a first name to match a description in case I steal a bra? ("Her name was Riot Kitty, and she ran off with a black 38C!")

Then after I managed to get things purchased without signing up for a Victoria's Secret credit card or giving them my phone number (maybe they want to ask me out on a date?), I complained to a friend.

Her reply: "They make bras in your size?"

But even before I wrote this, I just read the funniest lingerie-related blog ever at WIGSF. I dare you not to pee your pants laughing. Then you can shop for more underwear.

The man in the bunny suit

2011-04-24T20:59:00.000-07:00

Flashback to Easter, 2001. I have only lived in the Pacific Northwest for a few months, and my parents are still living in Portland. I'm at their house for brunch, look out the kitchen window, and see a very tall man in a bunny suit hopping across their neighbors' yard, throwing eggs. He looks up and waves, then hops off.

"He must be a fun guy," I say.

My dad, who rarely swears, says, "Actually, he's kind of an asshole!"

Go figure - those were the neighbors that wouldn't even say "Happy Halloween" back to my little bro and parents when they went trick-or-treating. I guess it goes to show you that just about everyone can be fun sometimes.

Or maybe that some people just like to use the holidays as an excuse to play dress up.

Do you have any Easter, Passover, or spring traditions?

Oops

2011-04-19T21:34:00.000-07:00

I thought *I* had a good memory.

My little bro (15 going on 40) visited and we went to see Arthur.

Him: "You just want to see it," he said, "because Russell Brand is your plastic joy."
Me: "What?"
Him: "From your blog. Russell Brand is one of the celebrities you want to fuck."

%*#&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)##############*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oooooooooooooh, the days of us watching Peter Pan and reading Frog and Toad are long gone.

I tried to bluff my way out of it and say, "That was a blog about celebrity crushes!" but he pulled up the post on his phone.

After recovering my balance, I asked, "OK, then, who is your celebrity crush?"

He grinned. "I'll tell you, but it means I'm a bad person."

Me: "Why?"
Him: "Because she's a bad actress and doesn't have a brain in her head."

Those qualifications - good at their job, whether or not they have brains- didn't even come into consideration for me, so I suppose he's still all right.

What does guacamole mean to you?

2011-04-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

That was a real question I overheard this jackass of a guy in line at Chipotle ask the staff tonight.

My bro and I went there, and though there was only one guy in front of us, it was taking forever.

Why? Because he was micromanaging every step of the line for his burrito.

He made the staff slam his containers of guacamole on the counter to "get out the air pockets." He corrected them continuously. "Nope, still a HUGE air pocket!"

Then after the slamming, a container of guacamole broke. "Ooooh, you broke it!"

He bent over a wrapped burrito to inspect it.

I wish this was fiction. I could hardly believe what we were seeing and for a minute I just stared at the guy. Who, by the way, came on a bike with that snorkle-dicky mirror attached to his glasses.

You know me - I always root for the underdog. One of my pet peeves - and I was just discussing this in the morning with a friend who works in a cafe - is when people are abusive to workers in service industries (e.g. baristas, restaurant workers, etc.) It's like they're being pricks just because they can, to the people who work in some of the hardest jobs for the lowest pay.

So after the last air pocket comment, he says to the cashier in a super condescending voice, "I assume you know what guacamole is."

She said, "Yes."

He said, "What does guacamole mean to you?"

At that point I had had it.

I asked him, "Don't you have anything else to do with your free time?"

The guy looked absolutely bewildered. "I'm sorry if you found my behavior offensive," he said.

I wanted to say, "I didn't know you knew that many words!"

But instead, I said, "It's not offensive to me. It's offensive that you are so rude to all of these people working here, and they can't say anything back because you're the customer."

He looked really embarrassed - the kind of tail-between-the-legs look - and he slunk out.

Then three employees thanked me.

The cashier said, "He comes in once a week and he expects us to memorize his order. But then he changed it."

Hopefully he'll leave those air pockets alone for awhile.

Inquiring minds want to know...

2011-04-12T21:44:00.000-07:00

Some things I would really like to know:

1. What, exactly, is the meaning of the phrase, "High-ho, the dairy-O"?

2. Just about everything that comes in a jar has a label that says, "produced on the same equipment with shellfish, meat and nuts" - e.g. everything you might a) be allergic to or b) be avoiding if you are a vegetarian, kosher, or vegan. My question: Don't they wash it?

3. Along these lines, what is up with peanut butter jars that say, "Warning: contains peanuts." Isn't that the point of peanut butter? Are they letting me down gently, in case I really wanted broccoli?

4. Companies that have signs that say, "Quality since 1946" (or whatever date.) Did their products suck before then?http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

5. If "G-rated" means sexually neutral, why do they call it a G-string?

Any thoughts? Help me out here...

PS If this did not give you your laughter quota for the day, go read my good friend Darth's post regarding recent news.

Busted

2011-04-09T15:00:00.001-07:00

One of my good friends is planning to take her 15-year-old son to the beach when the weather is nicer, with another one of our mutual female friends.

She asked him if he wanted to bring his girlfriend.

"No! You two will teach her bad things," he said.

"Well then, how about I bring RK instead?" she asked.

"Even worse!" he said.

I told her I was flattered. Apparently we are infamous already...

My 15-year-old brother is coming to visit next week as part of his spring break. If you have been reading my blog for awhile, you know that even though he is my adopted brother, we're more similar and closer than I am to most of my DNA relatives.

We both love coffee, comic book geek stuff, and general naughtiness. I am dreading the day when he thinks he is too cool to hang out with me.

In the meantime, we're going to go have burritos, iced mochas, and shop for action figures.

Is there someone in your life who feels like family, only better? If so, who is it?

Mental Day

2011-04-06T17:26:00.000-07:00

A handful of days a year, the depression just gets me, and there is nothing I can do except ride it out and wait for it to get better. I took a mental health day yesterday, and fortunately, working in mental health, my boss and co-workers totally understood.

My dad said, "So you took a mental day?"
Me (laughing): "No, mental health day."
Pause.

Dad: "Isn't that the same thing?

It's hard for me to write when I am down, but conversely (and this really irritates me) when I get the blues my mind won't stop running around in circles...and writing is a good antidote for this, normally. Go figure the catch-22.

So a few hours away from me is Kurt Cobain's hometown of Aberdeen, Washington. The 17th anniversary of his death was in the news largely because of a guitar statue that was put up in his memory this week.

I did a lot of involuntary thinking about him, and not because I am the biggest Nirvana fan (although I do like some of their music.) But I remember tiny details about where I was (Santa Barbara), who I was with (a bunch of people I'd mostly never see again), and what I was doing (hanging out at a party my boyfriend's friends had) when I found out that Cobain died.

This wasn't a seminal generational thing - but it strikes me because it's one of only a handful of moments (9/11 is another) that is permanently etched into my memory.

A guy whose last name was Hendrix (hard to forget) told us the news right after he told me about a girlfriend he had who had died. Our first thought: drugs. When we found out it was suicide, some part of me thought: He found a way out.

I also finished reading a book on illness by Mark Vonnegut, a pediatrician who lives with bipolar disorder who is also the son of the late author Kurt Vonnegut - another Kurt who suffered from major depression, except he never owned up to it publicly. "I have so many original thoughts," Mark Vonnegut wrote, "that I take medication for it."

There's no humor like black humor to get through the day.

At that point I was 17 and I was not sure if I would, or if I wanted to, get to 27, Cobain's age when he died. To say that I am glad I did is a big understatement. Depression has claimed far too many and I am blessed to have found treatment that works most of the time, and friends and family who are supportive most of the time.

Some people speculate that artists and writers suffer from mental illness disproportionately from the rest of the population; I think we are just better at writing it down.

RIP Kurt(s).

No joke

2011-04-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's April Fool's Day, but I remembered a funny story that is absolutely true, and I have had no ideas about what to post that wouldn't sound too bitchy or raunchy (so what else is new, right?)

Right after I started my current job I met one of the founding members of the local chapter of the organization. She is, I believe, in her 80s, but still advocates for her son, who has severe schizophrenia, and volunteers as much as she is able. She's also a nice person, which is an important point in this story.

Mrs. M, as I will call her, told me she was a retired high school teacher, and that when she started teaching she kept seeing the acronym "MYOB" appear in her classroom. She assumed that meant "mind your own business."

On the last day of school, one of the students said, "It actually stands for M- You Old Bitch!"

She told us that story and we all burst out laughing.

Then she looked at us and shook her head. "I don't know why people always find that so funny!"

Fuckety fuck fuck FUCK!

2011-03-28T19:28:00.000-07:00

Some weeks, I think we are just not meant to get out of bed. I mean, it would be so much easier if I was a bear and could just hibernate.

Among other things, I went dress shopping for an event we have at work.

Foolishly, I tried on a babydoll dress (do those look good on anyone?) and my boobs didn't fit into the boob section. Complaining to a friend, she looked at me point blank and said, "You're surprised?"

I sent out a somewhat bitchy e-mail to one person - and it accidentally went to the entire Yahoo group. Fuck.

Oh yeah - about that event - it's a formal luncheon for about 300. An RSVP was required. I have given the numbers to the caterer and they have ordered the food.

Does this stop me from getting the following questions? (I'll give you three guesses.)

"But I meant to RSVP." (Too fucking bad.)

"Can't I just stand in the back and not eat?" (No, because of fire code.)
"Really?" (No, I just made that up to piss you off.)

"But isn't there anything else you can do?" (Yes, but I didn't want to tell you during these last five minutes, I just wanted to hear you whine.)

And no, the lolcat has nothing to do with this post...I just thought it was funny.

RIP Geraldine Ferraro

2011-03-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

Those who are talented and brave enough to be first in any arena can expect to have their share of personal attacks, and Geraldine Ferraro was no exception.

While I was too young (7 most of the year) to fully appreciate the significance of her VP spot on the presidential ticket, I have been in awe of her my entire adult life. Thus I was sad to read of her death from blood cancer, which was the same kind of cancer that killed my uncle back in 1987.

I called on my dad, the first feminist I ever met, to sum up some thoughts about what it meant at the time to have Ferraro front and center in that election:

It was 1984 and while Orwell’s novel had not come to pass, having Ronald Reagan occupying the Oval Office seemed close enough. And he was running for re-election. Surely the Democrats could find someone to neutralize the Gipper’s charm, but no, they were prepared to nominate bland Walter Mondale, after Reagan had made peanut butter out of bland Jimmy Carter four years before.

Then something astonishing happened. Newly minted candidate Mondale selected Geraldine Ferraro of New York to be his vice presidential running mate. And she was not bland! She was smart, articulate, humorous, and holy s—t, she was a woman!
Well, I just had to see her in person. I went to a small Sons of Italy Club here in Silicon Valley, California, where I also found out that Ms. Ferraro was Italian. And what a rally it was. Her stump speech was rip roaring hot and if Reagan had been anywhere within a thousand miles he wouldn’t be riding his horse in Santa Barbara for awhile. The crowd sang, danced, cheered, and Geraldine Ferraro seemed to love it all, do it all, and carried it off with effortless class. In one of the few events I ever attended that featured a woman as the center of attention, before or after, there were as many men as women there, and all of witnessing Ferraro’s triumph believed that America was on the verge of finally awakening to FemPower.
Alas, Ms. Ferraro and Mr. Mondale did not manage to beat the Reagan juggernaut in the fall of 1984, but Geraldine remained a forceful and highly watchable figure in American politics for a long time after.

Now she is gone, and I would guess, so are many of the people who saw her that day years ago in San Jose. She is gone but not forgotten, and with a bit of luck maybe she’s partying right now up in the Sainted Sons of Italy Club as we remember her here with fondness and respect.

Frontier SUCKS

2011-03-23T18:31:00.001-07:00

They bought Verizon last summer, and it's been sucking ever since, and not in a good way.

I just got internet back at our house after 48 hours of outage. Why was there an outage? They won't say. There was no storm, no major disaster, no transformer blew up. In short, they just suck.

So I am thrilled to be posting from home!

And just so I won't disappoint any of you, here is my perverted story of the day.

Four of us were going out to lunch in a friend's small car.

"Now I know it's small, but you'll get used to it and it will work fine," she said.

I replied, "I've heard that one before."

The three of them looked at me like I was out of my mind. Perhaps...or I was just the only pervert.

Can I sue Mother Nature for false advertising?

2011-03-20T15:20:00.000-07:00

Today is supposed to be the first day of spring. Ha.

When I think of spring, I think of:

Flowers
Leaves on trees
Sunshine
the Easter bunny
and all of that good stuff.

What we have:
Flowers at the store
Bare trees
Frost in the mornings
Hail
Cadbury eggs.

It's about this time of year, after months of rain and brr (ok, not as brr as you in the Midwest, but you get the point), that I start to seriously question 1) my sanity and 2) why the hell I live here in the Pacific Northwest.

At least Mr. RK has more stories to make me laugh.

Last week at work, this really annoying, self-righteous woman started complaining about how her husband didn't like it when she went out to clubs and danced with/hung out with other guys.

Trying to drum up support for being a slut, I suppose, she asked Mr. RK, "Well, you got to clubs, right?"

Mr. RK: "No, not really."
Her: "And you drink, right?"
Mr. RK: "No, not really."
Her: "Well, have you ever?"
Mr. RK: "I quit all of that when I left the porn industry."

Silence...did I mention that this person is also really gullible?

And then she didn't talk to him for the rest of the day.

Things I have learned this week

2011-03-16T22:26:00.001-07:00

I'm stealing Lynn's idea for Random Photo Thursday and morphing it into Three Thoughts Thursday, which is the number of ideas my brain has room for at the moment.

1. I get more many comments on posts that involve dick size than ones that are truly introspective.

2. Just about everyone I meet (myself included) is partly Irish. Did everyone hop the fence?

3. Mr. RK got annoyed at work when one of his co-workers kept calling him Robert (which is not his name.) So he started calling her Steve.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Plagiarized from Joey's Pad

2011-03-14T19:49:00.001-07:00

My friend Joe wrote a very insightful post, and I'm stealing a quote he posted that made me think.

"Nothing is hopeless - if you can't choose what happens to you, you can chose how to react."

- Sarah Brown

I have grappled with this over the years, going from a spunky kid (from birth) to an anxious kid (after my parents got divorced and I moved too many times) to an angry young woman (after I realized not everyone in the world was nice or truthful), and now (I hope) finally to someone who is learning to be calmer and not react by assuming the worst.

My friend Darth Weasel put it this way a few years ago, when we were both having a difficult time at work: "I ask myself, 'Will you care about this tomorrow?'"

My buddy Claire's blog has a picture up saying, "Be calm and drink more tea." I wrote her that I tend to be antsy and drink more coffee!

I have had such a hard time wrapping my mind around the tragedy in Japan, questioning God and the universe...in addition to a week of family drama. But Joey's post made me rethink that in many ways, too. I can't prevent bad things from happening - to my loved ones, or to strangers far away - but I can choose how I react. I can choose to help.

Versatile

2011-03-10T18:48:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Marnie, I have a topic to write about!

I've been sick (ill, not perverse) and not thinking super clearly, hence the absence from writing.

Marnie nominated all of her blog buddies for the Versatile blogger award. Thanks!

So this involves thanking the blogger who nominated you (check), passing it on, and sharing seven "fun" facts.

I forget who already has done this post, so I pass this on to any of my blog buddies who would like to post.

Speaking of fun...I don't know how "fun" these facts are, but they're all true.

1. People ask me when I decided that I did not want children...I knew from birth. I remember having an argument at age 5 with someone who kept telling me I'd change my mind. "No, I won't!" And I didn't.

2. Before I met Mr. RK, I totally wanted to go out on a date with Michael Palin.

3. If the world ran out of cheese enchiladas, I'd probably fall down and cry.

4. As a kid, I preferred action figures to dolls. I still do.

5. I have moved nearly 30 times in my life.

6. I hate makeup.

7. My great-grandfather organized the Milwaukee Railroad and also captured Baby Face Nelson when he was a volunteer deputy sheriff in Iowa.

There you have it!

Kissing the turtle

2011-03-06T19:24:00.001-08:00

I'm happy to report that I am not the only member of this family making faux pas.

On Friday, Mr. RK said a group of Filipina ladies at his work were discussing the fact that one of them had just gotten a pet turtle.

"I don't know why I got it," she said. "It doesn't do anything. It just sits there or crawls around the aquarium."

Mr. RK left to do a task in another part of the office and came back a couple of minutes later. The turtle owner said, "So I just picked it up and kissed it."

He said, "You kissed the turtle?"

And the entire group of women started laughing so hard they had to hold their sides and cry.

Mr. RK: "What?"

One of his Filipina co-workers explained that while the turtle's owner was indeed talking about giving her new pet a smooch, "kissing the turtle" in the Philippines was slang for giving oral sex.

Mr. RK turned about five shades of red and said, "It's a good thing I'm not here right now!"

Lucky in bed

2011-03-04T21:29:00.001-08:00

What did you think I meant, you perverts?

TGIF!

Riot Kitty

I speak for the cheese!*

Things I like Thursday

But seriously

Thoughtless Thursday

Writing about the bleeding obvious

Ouch

Ending with a laugh

Then something went BOOM!

Merry Christmas!

Ants in your pants? How about caffeine?

Copycat

Does my car make me a jerk?

More Muppets!

No hipsters here!

Dead or in prison? You can still give us money...

Animals vs. humans

Moo and Oink

Making presents

Things I like Thursday - Muppets!

Did *you* pick up 2,000 condoms for work yesterday?

Thoughts on upcoming holidays

Pardon our (dis)appearance

Probably a dumb question, but why is my noodle boot so shrivelled?

Halloween 2.0

Happy Halloween!

Happy birthday

Things I have learned from living in the Northwest

Things I like Thursday

Beauty products and engineers

Things I like Thursday

Cookies are better than greed

How to lose friends and not influence people

Gilgamesh and Leonidas

The ring-tailed lemur is my spirit animal

Epic fail = epic fall!

Europe, where the history comes from!

I see London...

Planes, trains, and automobiles

London calling!

Things I like Thursday

WTF Wednesday (almost)

Epic fail!

Wordless Wednesday

A question for Facebook users (and non-users)

The haters have too much time on their hands

The hazards of working incognito

I am off to nom my birthday cake

This would only happen to me!

And part 2 of the story of Dave

And you thought your day was strange

More reasons I'm glad I'm not dating

Winnie the Pooh and mental disorders

Or maybe I'm in a British sitcom?

No words

What offends me?

Before you judge

Coming clean

Dumb things I have done this week

Freaky Friday

Things I have learned this week: visiting brother edition

A guest post

What I really wanted to tell someone today, but couldn't

More perverts, and congrats

And now I know where I get it

Obviously, I'm just a pervert

One more reason I'm glad I am not single...

Mr. RK's Guide to Boys

Y(not)2K? (Ward, this is for you.)

I may be juvenile, but...

5-Minute Friday

Headaches and Weiners

Dr. Seuss day

This is akin to what happens when I go to DQ

Things I have learned this week, version 2.0

If your life was a movie...

I hope my family doesn't read this

For days like this, there is DQ

A shout-out for the lovely Ms. Claire

I just shouldn't be allowed in public.

Did you pick up 2,000 condoms for work yesterday?