Saturday, May 31, 2008


We were having a discussion about patience - and our lack thereof - in my office on Friday, after what my boss described as "a two-hour meeting that should have taken 10 minutes."

I think most meetings should take 10 minutes or less - more than that, and it's just people who want to hear themselves talk. But such is the nature of's kind of a chicken and egg thing, really.

So - here is the best definition of "patience" that I have ever found:

Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.” Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (American Writer, Journalist and Editor, 1842-1914)

And while we're on the subject, I have some patience for just about everyone and everything - even really, really difficult stuff - but absolutely none for computers and their fuck-ups.

One of my coworkers brought in an entire file of funny stuff this week, and one of my favorites was a list of haiku relating to computer messages.

The joke is that in Japan, they've replaced MicroSoft (e.g. the Evil Empire, switch to Firefox!) error messages with haiku. Whoever came up with these - 5, 7, 5 syllables, 3 lines - is a fucking genius.

Because let's face it - MicroSoft SUCKS, AND they have a monopoly. How the fuck can this have happened? It's like a condom with holes in it being the only one on the market.

But seriously...if any of these popped up as error messages, I'd have to laugh my ass off rather than pull out my hair.

I challenge everyone reading to invent their own as well! Try these for inspiration...written by an unknown genius:

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Windows has crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

First snow, then silence.
this thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
this page is not here.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located, but
countless more exist.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.

The Tao that is seen
is not the true Tao - until
you bring fresh toner.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Hey, baby!

I don't have any pictures yet, but here is a big welcome to the world for Luke William Baan, who was literally born yesterday :)

He is already so loved - he is the long-awaited child of my cousin Adriane and her husband Matt, and grandson of my aunt Suzie and uncle Glen.

I can't imagine anything better than coming into this world with people saying, "Hey! We've been expecting you!" and being thrilled that you're there.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Another stolen meme

And here's a cute picture of Mr. Lucky...who is doing what I plan to do this weekend!

4 Meme

Stolen from JLee
A)Four places that I go to over and over:
Siam (a Thai restaurant in the next town)
Borders Cafe (best iced mochas)
My bookcase
My cats' food dish (to feed them, not myself)

B)Four people who e-mail me (regularly):

C)Four favorite places to eat:
El Sol de Mexico
Juan Colorado

D) Four places I would rather be right now:
A warm beach
A tanning bed
Somewhere with sun

E) Four people I think will post their own "4,4,4:

F) Four TV shows I watch all the time:
None! I don't watch TV.
So, because there was technically no answer for "F", I'll give you another:

G) Four of my favorite words:

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Speaking of politcal propaganda...

I was thrilled that so many people in my state turned out to vote in this primary - and that we picked Obama by a LANDSLIDE. Mr. Riot Kitty and I were watching an interview with Hillary Clinton's Oregon director as the polls came in. Classic:

Reporter: So are you at least ready to concede Oregon?
Hillary Director: We're going to wait until the latest numbers come in...

*Flash to the latest numbers, showing Obama leading, 60% to 40%*

I can't help but be thrilled that Republicans "sat this one out," as The Oregonian put it, because the GOP in my state and nationally has been so poisonous for so long.

Would you believe that a Republican president (Ike) had warned against building up the military industrial complex? Had created a national parks system (TR)? Had funded the arts (Nixon)?

These people aren't really Republicans, my conservative acquaintances tell me - they're neocons who are pretending to sell out to born-agains.

But just to lighten the mood, I've included a picture of my favorite candidate...

Sunday, May 18, 2008

A walk to remember

So Friday we found out that Barack Obama was making an appearance across the Willamette River - on our walk route.

The City of Portland said, No problem!

Today, that "no problem," changed to, "bwahahahahahaha!"

The walk was almost canceled by the Secret Service five minutes before we cut the ribbon and people were going to start walking.. I am not kidding.

Would you believe that the Secret Service made us redo our route? Yes, of course you would - power and money do that, you know?

Try telling 1,500 mentally ill people and their families, who have been looking forward to this walk for A YEAR, that would be no walk? Well, I would have been flayed alive. We did have the emcee, our board prez, tell them in the nicest way possible that there was a sudden change in route - And we found out 5 MINUTES before the walk began! Everyone took it OK, though. Talk about relief.

And to THINK I just put one of his bumper stickers on my car. It's the first time I've put a political bumper sticker on a vehicle, actually. I have been tempted, of course, to print up some "SMALL DICK ON BOARD" stickers on huge SUVs, speaking of stickering...

Amazingly, I have heard from a lot of people that they had a great time. I credit the cookies and ice cream, which were kindly donated.

I am taking tomorrow off and getting a pedicure - and then, my life back!

Thanks for being patient with me, all of you, and sending good thoughts my way.

Riot Kitty

PS Extra big hugs to Mr. Riot Kitty, who took 350 pics at this event and was so patient with all of us...and can you believe, he took a picture of some guy's cute dog, and then the guy SOLICITED HIM FOR SEX! WTF?

And we had this one unregistered walker show up (see below). I don't think he raised any money, either. All I saw were a few nuts.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

10 reasons to show me the money

This is your last chance to support yours truly - along with about 2,000 others - in a grassroots attempt to raise awareness about the need for mental illness treatment and recovery programs.

You can do so by visiting this page:

Our walk is in less than 72 hours, and this is my last minute push - and here are the reasons why you should give me even $1 (I'll take anything!) for this cause. (Disclaimer: for family and friends who read this blog who have already given, thank you! This is not a plea for more cash.)

You should totally sponsor me for the NAMI walk because, in addition to the fantastic karma you will be creating for yourself:

1. 100% of the money goes for programs. That's right! 100%!

2. I deserve some sympathy dollars for dealing with John Holmes. In fact, the dollars you donate to sponsor me won't support his branch of the organization! So let's kick some pornographic ass!

3. This event deserves some sympathy dollars because its former director bailed without even confirming our insurance or permits, let alone raising a lot of sponsor dollars.

4. It will be 85 degrees Sunday, and I have 2,000 people willing to spend their time walking on cement.

5. Here's a stat for you: 1 in 5 adults will receive treatment for a mental illness this year - be it anxiety or panic disorder, depression, bipolar disorder, ADD, ADHD, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, etc. Think of all of the people you know - think of 20 percent of them needing help.

6. Here's a scarier stat: 1 in 10 children - yes, children - has a mental illness that is serious enough to need treatment.

7. Education = awareness. We have education programs! Boy, do we have programs!

8. NAMI is a cool organization because it's not all about the money (ironic, I know, for the purposes of this blog.) $35 gets you a state and a national membership; if you're hard up, $3 will get you one.

9. We are a doorstop for people who are in crisis and have been shuffled around the system - and we refer them to HELP.

10. Because you're a good person, that's why!

Monday, May 12, 2008

Riot Kitty, Cyborg With Fangs

Robotic Individual Optimized for Thorough Killing, Immediate Troubleshooting and Total Yelling

Get Your Cyborg Name

Especially if your name is John Holmes.


Today I find out that he has a reputation for being a sexual harassment case waiting to happen, but, sigh, nothing has been done about it. WTF?

And last week I received this gem of an e-mail about him in regards to an event we are putting on (read: I have been busting my ass to put into place):

"Riot Kitty, I haven't said anything yet, but I am planning to help on event day. I have many abilities. Use me however you like."

OK. How does kindling sound? (Yes, Mr. Riot Kitty can take credit for that line.)

Dr. Holmes, I hope you come back as a slug in your next life. And then I hope you get showered with sodium chloride.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

A laugh of Biblical proportions

So I've mentioned in some of my previous blogs that Mr. Riot Kitty works with some...interesting people.

He also works with some less than intelligent people.

Some of you might know the Bible verse illustrating a parable about faith - meaning a little faith can go a long way - but just for giggles, I googled it. Mainly because I couldn't remember what part was about a mustard seed or a mulberry seed or a mulberry bush...(incidentally, wtf? They had mulberry bushes in Biblical times in the Middle East? Does that sound very Dr. Seuss to you also, or am I just thinking of that book, And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street?)

Anyway, here's the verse:

Luke 17:6

And the Lord said, "If you had faith like a mustard seed, you would say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and be planted in the sea'; and it would obey you. "

So Mr. Riot Kitty has been spared ever having to go to church as a kid, and he didn't know that verse. Today, after getting coffee, with a confused look on his face, he repeats this story that he overheard at work:

Guy #1 to Guy #2 during lunch: "So there's this story in the Bible where Jesus uses a miracle to kill a tree."

Need I say anything else? Other than I hope he isn't reproducing and sending more people to the shallow end of the gene pool? Am I mean? Ah, fuck it, I don't care if it's mean. It's a reasonable thing to hope for, don't you think?

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

I just got Lucky!

Lucky the cat, that is...the name came with the kitty.

He spent almost 2 YEARS in a shelter! But Monday night he came home with us.

He seems to be the reincarnation, personality-wise, of Rocco Klein, the kitty I lost last year on Memorial Day (I swear he did that on purpose.) And he looks like a cross between Rocco and Sev. Eerie!

He's a sweetie!

He and the Fluffy White Fuck just stared and sniffed at each other for awhile, but seem
to be doing OK together.

I miss Sev and Rocco terribly, and this isn't meant to replace him, just to add a little catley happiness to the house. Because honestly, having the FWF is sort of like having a muppet...only no one has their hand up his ass. (Mr. Riot Kitty came up with that one.)

Sunday, May 04, 2008


My little brother (who's 12 and getting not so little) used to just hang up the phone when he was finished my parents coached him to say, "I love you, bye." He was 4 at the time, so that was shortened to, "Loveyoubye!" And it stuck with each member of my immediate family, and, later, my husband, and several friends. So we all say it now when we hang up, or when we go out the door.

Mr. Riot Kitty and I have been having a bumpy weekend because 007 - also known as Sev and the Big Brown Bearcat, went to kitty heaven Friday morning. He had been having seizures for the past 9 months, and was amazingly healthy all of his life before that. He was 20 years old, which the vet says is the equivalent of 92 (!!!) in people years.

But the house seems so quiet now. We've lost two of our kitties in less than a year, and that's two too many.

It may sound weird, but we loved these furry guys a lot - and got along better with them than members of our extended family!

It's rare to find someone who loves you unconditionally, never lies to you, can't wait for you to get home, and always wants to snuggle. Of course, I could live without the terrible fumes from the cans of soft food, but it's a small price to pay.

We still have Vladimir, aka Vladi, aka the Fluffy White Fuck (who is so purebred and senile that he hasn't noticed his brothers are missing), but it's lonely enough that we are going to get him a new brother.

In the meantime, I hope Sev and Rocco are chasing chickens in the sky.

Friday, May 02, 2008