Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Goodbye to all that

So, having lived in NYC when Giuliani was mayor, and having seen firsthand what an asshole he was - to poor people especially - I can barely contain my glee that he is virtually out of the GOP race.

Like Mitt Romney, he seemed to think that he could buy an election.

I thought it was unbelievable that anyone - especially conservatives - would support a guy who announced on live television that he was leaving his wife for his mistress in the first place. And this was how his family found out!

Here's a guy who has been waiving the bloody flag of 9/11, which was, let's face it, the saving grace of his career. Until that point, he had been reviled - and rightfully so - for forcing out the city's best police chief, William Bratton, because he couldn't face sharing the spotlight; for ramming through "work experience" programs that forced often-ailing seniors to work physically demanding jobs without, in many cases, access to restrooms (and for less than minimum wage, when you calculated the public assistance benefits they were getting); who told reporters that his mistress (and later wife), whose police protection city taxpayers covered, was a "friend,"; who had police harass gay couples in Hudson River Park; who had a couple of bars shut down for "operating without a cabaret license" when people had fun and got up and danced on tables; who tried to change the city's constitution to prevent a political rival from running for office.

Someone who was so power-hungry that he abandoned decades of pro-choice advocacy during this presidential campaign and said it would "be OK" if Roe V. Wade were overturned, and that he'd appoint Supreme Court Justices like arch-conservative Samuel Alito if he were president.

I could go on and on.

In the words of former NYC Councilman Steven DiBrienza, "If you work on Wall Street and live in Nassau County (Long Island), this administration has been good for you."

For disclosure purposes, it is not without a bit of pride that I can tell you I got the NYC community newspapers onto his media "enemies list" when I was a freelancer, due to investigative stories about the so-called "Work Experience Program" referenced above.

Go away, Rudy, and do us all a favor.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

80s rant #2

The New Kids on the Block are getting back together.



As I've ranted before - some things should have just DIED in the 1980s - including this group's musical career.

Gag me with a fucking spoon. The hair wasn't bad enough the first time? I mean, they practically created a worldwide shortage of hairspray!

And every time I went into my (former) stepsister's room, I had to look at all of their mugs, because she (like everyone under 14 except me, apparently) was in love with one of them.

It would make me quite happy if there were NO kids on the block.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Time for laughs

After a few irritating things going on in my family and friends' lives and my own, I thought it might be time for another funny post. I'm not taking any of the credit - I owe it all to Portland Craigslist.

From time to time, I browse job board sections in fields where I don't regularly look...just for curiosity. Tonight's search turned up a few gems. Sadly, this only took a few minutes.


Reply to:
Date: 2008-01-23, 7:01PM PST

Exotic Anchor Inn and Grill looking for dancers asap. Located in beautful Oceanside Oregon. Lodging possable take a peek at *web site* or contact *person* at .....

Location: Oceanside Oregon
  • Compensation: Open
  • Telecommuting is ok.
  • This is a part-time job.
  • OK for recruiters to contact this job poster.
*My questions:*

1. How does the telecommuting part work if you're a stripper? (Note the second bullet point.) Do they partner with You Tube?
2. What kind of recruiter would do this kind of work? (Note the last bullet point.)
3. Just because the poster works at a strip club does NOT excuse him from knowing how to spell the word "possible."

Here's another:

SMART PERSON NEEDED Fast paced office

(Apparently they need someone smart because the poster doesn't have a fucking clue when it comes to spelling...)

Reply to:
Date: 2008-01-22, 4:50PM PST

With sales in 25 countries and across the North America we are searching for someone willing to step in and be part of our team. You will start in customer service, order processing and general office functions. We beleive in a real person talking with all our corportat customers so you will need a great phone personality and a willingness to be very helpful. An additional plus will be experience in the saftey, accounts receivable managment and/or purchasing.

We offer a great compensation program, 100% fully paid bennefits, great working hours,fully paid sick and vacation bennefits as well as private offices for each person. If you are that smart person I'm looking for and want to be recognized and paid for what you are really worth, send me your resume and salary history.

*My God! "Bennefits" once is bad enough; but twice? Hookd on fonix workd fore himm.

And here's one for a potential Mrs. Doubtfire - talk about getting to the point:

Daycare I need it

Reply to:
Date: 2008-01-23, 6:39AM PST

2 boys two And 4 i work tue-fri 9-4..

email me your info. rates and location. Please be specific I dont have alot of time to email back and forth. So give me your avail, my house or yours and where. rates so on and so forth. And a bit about yourself thank you...

Location: Lake Oswego
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  • Compensation: no pay
*So she doesn't have time for capitalization, punctuation, or, it seems, compensation for her future employee...*

And my personal favorite...Haircuts at Hooters!

Be A Barber Babe....Hair Stylist Wanted !!!

Reply to:
Date: 2008-01-23, 3:06PM PST

The Barber Babes is now hiring a part time hair stylist! We need a girl for Wednesdays and Saturdays, or Fridays and Saturdays (your choice). Hourly or Commission....whatever one is GREATER....plus tips! The tips are GREAT!

Our shop is new and small, but we have placed ads in the Willamette Weekly, Mercury, Exotic, Verizon Yellow Pages, Craigslist, Just Out, and tons of sites on line. We are getting so busy it's time to hire another stylist!

The uniform is similar to the Hooters girls (short shorts, tank tops, slouch socks, white tennies), and we are having fun doing Cheerleader Mondays, School Girl Wednesdays, and Fishnet Fridays (not too revealing...we follow public decency codes). I'm sure you can imagine the tips are WAY better than regular shops! (*So is the occasional mopping of jiz off the floor, I'm sure.*)

Send a photo of yourself (G Rated) and a resume to (person) at (e-mail.)

* Must be licensed
* Just out of school is OKAY! (Of course it is...you have to stuff yourself into a cheerleading uniform, and someone experienced might have a bit more self-respect.)
* Fun/Cool girls only (no stuffy or stuck ups!)

*No one with any self-respect or brains, either! And sadly, this salon is owned by a woman...I am tempted to send her pictures of people having sex with animals, but I am not sure where to find them.*

The latest addition to my kitchen

How cool is this dish towel?

It will go nicely with some of the other subversive home decor; among them, the welcome sign I made...

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Happy birthday, wonder boy!

Happy birthday to my little brother Blake, who is 12 today.

Blake didn't become my brother in the conventional way - my dad, younger brother Nik and I were fortunate enough to inherit him and his mother when Blake was very little. (Funny enough, because he looks like me and my dad!)

He is bright, articulate (about 12 going on 40), funny and sweet. We have enough traits in common (among them, a need for time alone, a love of chocolate, coffee, the Beatles, and British comedies) that you'd swear we were blood relatives.

When he was 10, he got a goldfish and named it Jude so he could come into his room, look at the fish, and say, "Hey, Jude." You can't find a cooler kid than that!

When he was five he asked his mom, "Where is grandpa Paul?" (Her dad, who died before Blake was born.)

She told him that we really didn't know.

"Well, he was a good dad," said Blake. "I think if you're a good dad you turn into a star." Pause. "And if you're a bad dad, you turn into Playdoh."

People who dig into the family particulars say, "Oh, he's your stepbrother."

And I correct them: "He's my brother."

I changed his diapers and took him to the Tigger Movie and tried to convince him to eat chicken by saying, "Have some buk!" I took him to see A Hard Day's Night and let him tag along when he insisted on coming on a walk with me through the West Hills in Portland. (After we got to the bottom of the first hill, he looked up at me and said, "I'm done!" Guess who had to carry him up the hill?)

We have had many frappucinos together, and have read many books together, notably Frog and Toad. We still look at each other and say, "Hello, Lunch!" - a joke from one of the Frog and Toad stories. And now he is reading Agatha Christie on his own.

Although I don't have children, now I know how parents feel when they sigh and say, "They've grown up so fast!" Not that I want Blake to be little again - he is more and more interesting as he gets older.

I have loved every minute of it. When I was little, I sort of felt like I had to be a parent to Nik (I'm sure he loved that!) and didn't really get to be a big sister in the traditional sense. So it's catch up time.

Having reinvented our own family (including the wonderful addition of my little sister Trace, in 2000), no one can convince me that blood is thicker than water.

For me, love and family are what you make them. I wouldn't trade mine for anything.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The politics of food

One thing I like about Hillary Clinton is that she's the only candidate that I know of who has included food safety as part of her platform.

Because you've got to wonder (or, more likely, worry) what the fuck is going on with our government when one agency (the FDA) says cloned meat is "safe" to eat (I can just hear the depositions years from now..."It depends on what the meaning of 'safe' is) while another (the Department of Agriculture) expresses concerns that it isn't.

The real laugh is that the Department is "asking" companies not to sell cloned meat. Mind you, they have no authority to recall meat or produce. Bet you didn't know that...neither did I, until I did some research.

It's royally frustrating to have to be SO vigilant as a consumer. You want to buy organic, but have to steer clear of some USDA organics because they have allowed companies so many loopholes (such as allowing beer to be called "organic" without using any organic hops. I'm not making this up.) Add that to the fact that you also don't want products that have been tested on animals, or ones that contain animal products, and shopping for the most basic things becomes an exercise in frustration.

You'd think they'd at least TELL us when a product contains cloned or genetically modified ingredients, but no...all of the labeling efforts have been shot down by both the government departments responsible and big corporate money. Wait a minute, I'm being redundant.

Same thing when it comes to personal care products...my husband and I have started buying products that are compliant with European Union standards because they ban some 3,000+ chemical ingredients and the U.S. only bans, like, 4. Again, I wish I was making this up.

I can't help but wonder if our rates of cancer, autism, birth defects, and other bad stuff aren't terribly affected by the chemicals and genetic food engineering that our government allows.

Speak up! Get informed! A few good places to tune in for non-biased information:

Campaign for Safe Cosmetics

Oregon Environmental Council

Organic Consumers Association

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Mating in captivity

Many years before she got married to (the late) actor John Bale, Gloria Steinem explained her refusal to get married:

"I can't mate in captivity."

From when I was very little, I knew I didn't want the things that society said most people should want. I have never wanted to have children, and until I met my husband, I didn't want to get married.

Until he met me, he didn't want to get married, either. (Or so he says. He's no fool!)

I am not a maternal person. People finally stopped saying, "You'll change your mind one day" about having children right around when I was 27.

I am also a person who needs a lot of space, a lot of understanding, and a lot of time alone. I'll safely say my husband also fits into these categories.

I think we would have been happy just living together, but when an unfortunate anti-gay-marriage initiative popped up on our state's ballot in 2004, we realized how screwed we'd be if we just continued living in sin. E.g., we wouldn't necessarily be able to visit each other in the hospital, leave income/property to each other, etc. (Mind you, this inequality sucks the big one. Support marriage equality!)

That, and Mr. Riot Kitty said, "I want to show my commitment to you."

We had sort of a funny wedding. Neither of us are conventional or bother much with tradition. We only had our immediate family, and we were married by a clog-wearing lesbian judge whose office was in the juvenile detention center. (I didn't know about the location until minutes before the ceremony, but it provides a good laugh now and then.)

My relatives were upset that I wore a red dress and didn't want flowers or a cake. Not to have every tradition ignored, my great aunt ordered me a small bouquet - I found out about this when the florist called and said it was ready for pickup!

The day of the wedding, I had to take off my heels and all of my jewelry to go through a metal detector to pay the county's fee (while my family and future in-laws and future husband waited), then throw everything back on and walk a few blocks (in mid-January!) looking for the right building. Thank God my mother-in-law found it, and my dad, who would have normally had a fit, didn't, because, hell, I was right about to get married and that would have been a spoiler.

The next day there was an ice storm - how's that for a sign? :)

So three years later, and although I am 31, I still don't feel grown up enough to be something like married, but I stop and think about it sometimes and I still can't believe it. Have I become a conformist? Nope. I just fell in love.

At times I also stop and pause - literally - to consider the fact that a handsome, whip-smart, caring man with a great sense of humor - and who loves my cats - is legally required to sleep with me every night! And I thank the powers that be for that every day.

He puts up with me when I get the winter blahs, when I get cranky before I have coffee or have dealt with too many Republicans.

No relationship is perfect, but we are both puzzled when other people say that "marriage is a lot of work," or "marriage is difficult," or "marriage requires sacrifice."

The only sacrifice so far, I think, is when one of us eats the last piece of chocolate.

Happy anniversary to us!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Ways to meet women, by a complete idiot

So I was confronted with this bit of inanity on the Yahoo homepage when I went to check my e-mail. The link is too long to post here, but google "Yahoo personals" and "David Wygant" and you'll find it.

It's worth reading just for the laughs.

It's also SO BAD I had to share it with all of you.

Granted, I've had my share of lousy pickup lines, including, but not limited to:

"Is that salad good?" (In a restaurant, while I had my mouth full.)

"Will you pay for me to get my nosed pierced tonight?" (While walking into a record store.)

"Would you rather I be a gentleman, or tell you that I'd like to sleep with you tonight?" (On a blind date that, naturally, bombed.)

I assume Mr Wygant's article was meant for men like these. If you don't have time to read the whole thing (or fear you might snort your drink through your nose while laughing), here's my two (or three or four) cents and a quick summary:

Three Key Ways to Meet Women
According to David Wygant (who I'm willing to bet money is single)

God knows how Mr. Wygant got this gig - all it says is that he is "special to Yahoo personals" - and God knows WHY they posted this on the homepage.

He is indeed special, as you will find out.

But anyway - his three keys are, and I'm not making this up, are as follows:

1. Observe What She Is Doing
As opposed to totally ignoring her, if you have eyes, I suppose this is a good thing. Rather basic though. And you really shouldn't stare, because, well, that's just creepy.

2. Act on the Observation.
If you see a woman texting frantically, Mr. SexGod Wygant suggests a man approach her and inquire, "Is your friend late?"

Here's another gem:
For instance, if a woman is ordering a double espresso, the thing to talk about is usually the first thing that comes to your mind.A typical guy might say, "Do you like coffee?" which leads to a yes or no answer. A man who is 100 percent present will look at her and say, "Rough night last night?" or "Busy day ahead?"

In my book, this would be a man who is 100 percent DESPERATE and can't come up with anything else to say. My reply would probably be, "Yes, my husband kept me up all night with naughty sex."

The rationale by Mr. Wygant:

"In order to properly act upon the observation, you need to open her up and evoke a feeling."

The only thing it would evoke from me would be a) the creeps and/or b) the thought that it was a really dumb pickup line.

Step 3: Listen to What She Has to Say.

"In order to have good conversation and bond with a woman, you need to listen to what she says."

I'm not making this up. But as we've all noticed, there are some really stupid guys out there who might not know to do this otherwise.

I'd add step 4: Look at my mouth when I'm talking, and not at my boobs.

Thank you.

The scariest thing I've seen this year...

I went to Target to pick up a prescription today, and as I walked toward the pharmacy department, I saw, prominently on display...STIRRUP PANTS.

NOOOOOOOOOOO! I wish I could tell you it was a coffee-induced hallucination, but alas, I cannot.

I love lots of things about the 80s - jelly bracelets, music, the Psychedelic Furs, among other things...but not fashion!

Some things that went on in the 80s should stay in the 80s - and this includes stirrup pants, Debbie Gibson, neon clothing, fake moles, puffy paint t-shirts, Reaganites, and pegged jeans.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

The headline of the day

Message, not gender, may be turning voters off Clinton

Well, no shit!

Here you have someone campaigning on her husband's coattails - they've posted signs outside of her rallies that read, "Miss Bill? Vote for Hill!"

You have someone who - like her husband, actually - started out idealistic and seemed to care about the poor and the middle class, but changed positions on a number of things because the winds blew a different direction and it was convenient.

Someone who has swung so far to the right that Newt Gingrich supports her, and Rupert Murdoch has had fundraisers for her.

And how about the positions she's flip-flopped on: the war, extending the Patriot Act, a law that makes it much, much harder for ordinary people (as opposed to big corporations) to file for bankruptcy.

How about her not showing for some of the Senate's most important votes - like bringing home the troops?

Yes, it is way, way past time that this country took down the barriers and gave women an equal shot at being president. Hey, if Turkey and Pakistan can do it, so can we.

Just not with this candidate.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Happy Birthday, Cupcake!

Today my husband turns - well, in the interest of keeping him happy, I'll just say it's his b.day. (Here's a hint: he's less than 40 and more than 20.)

My family and our mutual friends and I always try to make a big deal because his friends and family usually either forget or don't do much. This year, his mom promised to come over with a present and then didn't show. His sister still hasn't mentioned his b.day. All of his friends have kids (e.g. chaos), which I suppose excuses them from remembering.

But it still makes me feel bad for him.

It is only since I have met my husband that I've realized that not everyone makes a big deal of birthdays like my family does. A friend once told me, "You're used to being spoiled on your birthday!"

I suppose so :)

But in my family, birthdays are a bigger deal than, say, Christmas, because they're personal. It's a day to be happy to be you! (I used to wonder when I was a kid: if it's supposed to be Jesus' birthday, why am I getting presents?)

This is not to say that we spend gobs of money - especially during the years when my dad wasn't making much money, he didn't (and couldn't) overdo it with presents. But he always made sure we felt special.

I think everyone deserves that.

Happy birthday, sweetheart!

Thursday, January 03, 2008

If the laugh fits...

I had planned to post this pic I found on the internet before hearing that Hillary, Giuliani, and Romney - e.g. status quo, flip-flopping, stand-for-nothing, whores for big business - all lost in Iowa tonight.

But it seems especially fitting now...- I *must* become proficient in photoshop so I can do some of my own Dr. Seuss spoofs!